What’s it’s like for me at 10 months clean today
I ’m Rick and I am an addict.
Today is my 10 month anniversary. Thank you. Never thought I would get this far. Even with 10 months clean I want to share where I am today because I hope to look back at this day and hope that I will improve.
Went to a talent show last night with fellow addicts. The thing I was most amazed is how much courage people have in the world. No matter if I could sing like a bird (can’t carry a note really), I would still not have the courage to go in front of so many people and sing. Not sure where people get their strength from at time to do that. Don’t even know if NA gives you this skill. Just know that right now, I could not do it.
I have been a speaker twice. I also know that I am not ready for that as well. See above.
Been dealing with a problem I have with my sister right now. Trying to take more control of my life. Although I know my sister is coming from a place where she is trying to help, I think the way she is trying is hurting my ability to grow and I know the growth I need to do is difficult. Yet, I know if I do not take steps now I will be back in a situation where the drama will cause me more harm than good. The problem really is the delivery. She cannot seem to talk with me in a calm and understanding manner and she takes the issues she has and makes them mine though the yelling and confrontation.
I used to be a person who would take confrontation and now I simply cannot. It’s not like I have lost my backbone but more that I realize that the more drama in my life will only distract me from learning and growing. She has issues that I cannot handle myself nor should I but the confrontation forces me to react. Because of this I feel that every conversation with her ends up me not opening up on all the details and more importantly she thinks I am lying to her.
I have always had an issue with abusers who want to control my life. The problem is they do it in the name of love and worse they actually help and then hold over you their help as the passport to control. I cannot help her.
So the decision I have to face, and one that I already did in fact, taking back all control of my life from her and acknowledging that she will not stop. If i must distance myself from her, then I must. It is hard to do it in the face that I have used her help financially so much over the course of my addiction. Only in NA did helping me come without a price. This gift is great because I can see the reverse of this in my relationship with her.
So in the end I may have horribly hurt her feelings by being honest. The honest replies to her is not something she wants to hear. I am trying to listen to her comments with an open mind and heart. I just cannot allow to have a relationship that is both abusive and helpful at the same time.
The result of this may mean I may have to move. It also means that I may not be able to seek her help as the issues I still face with my past comes up. I have to be prepared to accept that things may get worse and in the end, I can only hope that by me being honest with her will in the long run help her and I have a more equal relationship as brother and sister and not overseer and cripple.
I may lose my job. I may lose my friends. I may end up homeless. I may lose the few things I have but I will still not use. I will still try to work on my recovery and I will still have faith in my High Power because in the end, even if I am in jail or alone, my Higher Power is with me and will not abandon me after taking me so far.
