Tomorrow is by birthday. Clean time 126 days
B irthdays we’re always kind of a drag for me and like most people it became just another day. What I mean by “just another day” is that when I was younger, the abuse was not restricted on these days. They were not special days for me. They still meant I would be hit or raped. They still meant I would be mentally destroyed. They still meant that I would be humilated.
My brother and sisters never knew of the secret shame I felt and being my birthday and all meant that I had to crawl deep inside myself to find something that meant joy. My mother always made a cake and yes, there was candles but you should know that my sisters birthday is a few days from mine so they always had my birthday shared with hers.
Nothing special for me… probably not for her either.
Everyone knows that before you blow out the candles you make a wish. Every single year of my life, including the present, I wish the same thing. It’s not what you are thinking because again, to understand this, you have to think like a little boy. I wished for two things… to catch a whale and the ability to fly like Superman.
It wasn’t until I got older did I understand why I would wish for this strange thing. If you are smart I bet you can guess it. I wanted to fly and have Superman powers to fly away. I wanted to catch a whale because I wanted to know what it felt like to do something that everyone would be amazed at. My feelings of self worth were so low that I felt that only if I could do something so amazing, my life would be better and if it was not, I could go far away and nothing (being Superman and all) could stop me.
So why do I still wish this same wish every year? Maybe it’s just tradition for me. Maybe it’s just me still being that little kid, hoping for a miracle. I don’t know really.
So everyone asks the same thing… “what’s your plans tomorrow”? I plan to wake up early. Go to work. After work, go to a meeting. Go home and go to bed. I simply want the day to pass. I might tell someone I know, I don’t know. Not sure about it.
Maybe as I am leaving work. I don’t like when people make a big deal out of my birthday. It’s just another day.
One day I will die. Don’t know when of course. I look forward to that day more than I do any birthday because even if there is nothing more past this life, at least it’s all over. No more expectations of something good to happen. No more wishing on something positive. On that day I will finally get my birthday wish fulfilled. I will be able to fly away and nothing can stop me and I will have done something amazing… I will have finished a life NOT worth living.
