I’ll never forget the day I decided to run away from home. I was 15 years old and a pretty good looking kid. It was in chicago and I was home alone. I knew that my father would be home in a few hours. I stood looking out the window and although I was not crying, tears was rolling down my cheeks. I feared yet again being abused and the thought that in a few hours I would again suffer was simply too heavy on my heart. This time, I decided to run instead of take it once more. That’s when my mind made this simple decision… If I stay I’m gonna die. If I run with the little money I had, I would die on the streets but at least before I died I could at least see what a normal life was for a little while. I wanted to be free and I wanted it to end.
I went to the bank and closed out my account. I had a whopping $112. I called for a taxi to take me to the airport. That cost me $10 and when I got the airport I decided to go to California because that’s where I always heard runaways go to. I figured I could sleep on the beach and die with watching the sunset.
The plane ticket cost me $98 (it was a while ago!) and I boarded the plane. The remember as the plane took off, looking out the window, that I was in fact flying to my death. When I arrived at LAX I didn’t know what to do but I knew the airport was no place to be so I hopped a bus to the bus terminal (I figured runaways would be there and maybe I could get a place to sleep).
That bus trip cost me the remaining three dollars I had so now I was broke, alone and in a city where I knew no-one, thousands of miles from home.
When I arrived at the station, I just sat at a chair for hours. I simply did not know what to do and now I didn’t know how to get to the beach. For those of you who do not know this, the bus station is in the ghetto… or at least it was back then. Finally an older boy came up to me and flashed a badge and said he was a cop. I told him he was too young to be a cop so back off. He laughed, sat down with me and asked me if I was a runaway. I said yes an he said he was too. He asked if I had a place to sleep and I said no. He offered to take me a few blocks away a condemned building where he and other sleep. I followed.
Along the way I walked past closed businesses, hookers, drug dealers and thugs. The streets was dirty and the sky was cloudy. I expected California sunshine and I got nothing short of darkness. When I got there it was more horrible then I could have imaged. Ten stories of an old hotel. I looked across the street and another closed hotel was there too with a painted sign on the side of the building saying “$15 a week”. Hookers and dealers everywhere. We busted thru some wood paneling to keep kids like us out and walked up the dirty stairs.
He lead me to this room no bigger than 12 feet by 12 feet. There was no bathroom in the room but there was a community one down the hall. It didn’t have water and had been used many times so the sight of it was horrible not counting the smell. In the room as two other guys who were passed out from being drunk. He told me I could have the corner on the floor. I was really tired so I balled up in the corner and used my shirt as a pillow. I feel asleep.
About 3 hours later I awoke because I felt something was crawling over me. There was no electricity so there was no light other then the street lights coming from the window. I tried to focus only to see large cockroaches crawling all over me. I brushed them off fast and tried to sleep again, with tears again cascading down the side of my face. Even with all this, I was glad to be away from Chicago.
The sun came up and I found myself alone in the room. Everyone left while I was asleep. I went downstairs to see my new friend talking with some hookers. He saw me and with a big smile came over and welcomed me to a new day. He asked if I was hungry and I said I was. He asked if I had any money and I said no. He said he would spring for me this time but that’s the last time. I had to earn my keep.
We ate at this dumpy diner. All he could afford for me was one egg and toast. That was good enough. While we ate I asked him what he did for money and he told me he hustled and he “rolled some people”. I didn’t know what he meant. He said that was robbing them. He told me that either I was going to do the same or sell myself like him. I knew I could not rob people, I just couldn’t and I refused to sell myself. He said that he needed to hit the streets and to meet up with him later at the room.
The first stop was walking down the street and asking the business owners if they had work. Everyone looked at me like dirt. I was just trying to get a real job. Finally I saw a sign at a gas station that said “help wanted” so I went up the the window and asked about what I could do. The guy asked if I had an ID and I didn’t. He asked for a phone number. I had none. He then laughed and said how could I get a job if he can’t contact me. I walked away with a lump in my throat.
I then saw a church and I knew being a good little catholic boy that the priest would help me. I knocked on the rectory door to be met by a priest. He wouldn’t let me in and when I told him that I was a runaway and needed help, he said that there is a lot a runaways and to go seek help elsewhere and he closed the door. I knew now that I was in trouble. This was not a bad dream, and I was now scared.
I went back to the building and outside was some female hookers. I sat down on a step and one came over to me and said, “what’s the matter honey”. I told her and she said not to worry, the girls would take care of me. She told her friends that she would be right back and we went to get some real food.
I told her I was scared and she said everyone is scared. She said she had a way to make it at least feel better and told me to sniff some of this powder she had in a little tin foil. I did and within seconds I felt stronger and not tired. I didn’t feel scared either. She told me not to sell myself and to do whatever I can to go home because a boy like me will be used a lot. We hugged and she said she will keep an eye out for me and left.
Later that day my new friend, I’ll call him Jim because I think that was his name, met up with me. I told him what happened and he said good because he was going to help me the same way later. He asked me if I rolled anyone and I said no. He asked me if I sold myself and I said no. He said that he would “train me” on what to do cause he wasn’t gonna carry me.
The primer course was nothing more then telling me what to do when you get into the car with someone. He said that the majority of the people who will pick me up is old wrinkled men. He warned me that there is two main things to be concerned about, the cops and the weirdos who will rob me or hurt me. “Take the money up front, always make them touch you first, ask if they are a cop, and always be ready to fight”.
He said he will make sure I was ready in the morning but I had to shower first because he said I smelled. We went to the Greyhound station and they had showers for 25 cents. He gave me the quarter.
This was NOT like the gym at school showers. These were not other guys my age and the place was clean. This place smelled. The towels smelled like bleach and was hard. In the showers was old fat guys or long bearded weird looking types. When I walked in I was this muscle bound short haired clean cut kid and I thought I was going to be raped. They just looked and one guy played with himself while I showered. This nightmare would not end and what’s worse, this was just the start.
After I showered, Jim and I went back to the building and he had some more of that white powder and we did some. He aske me if I have ever been with a guy and I said no because I didn’t want to share about the sexual abuse from my father. He said I would need to be broken in or the new customer would get mad and hit me.
JIm said he wouldn’t do it but he would allow me to come along on one of his tricks but he couldn’t charge more because I was not suppose to be there. A car pulled up, he bent down and in a second he said “come on, get in”.
We went to a little motel room. JIm gave me more of the “powder” and then he talked to the old dude. They laughed, the old dude gave him some money. Then Jim told me to take off my clothes while he took off his. We did. Seconds later, Jim and this other dude was holding me down and I was being raped. It was violent and ugly. It hurt bad. After the old dude got done we got dressed and all I could think about was two things:
1) This was not the death dream on the beach looking at the sunset, but this was death.
2) I was now a monster and the innocent kid was officially gone.
I met my two new best friends who would make it all better and they stayed my best friends for years… Meth and Coke and would not leave me until 25 days ago. That was over 3 decades.
