Through the support of fellow addicts, I didn’t use but I did have a conversation with my sponsor and I want to share with all of you the message I shared with him. He forgot something that I guess clean time allows you to forget. How hard it is to be new to this stuff.
So this post is to all addicts going to one of the long list of “Anon” groups…
You expect me to smile at meetings and I do. I do because I want to fit in but behind that smile is fear and saddness. Don’t confuse my lying smile with your “years of clean time” smile. They look the same but they are not. I know there is a good chance I am not going to fit in because the only place I fit in is with other people using. Hell when I talk I don’t even make sense to ME!
You expect me to share. If i did, the majority of it is to distance myself from you, not bring us closer. Did I say something that was offensive or not in the programs way? Good. I’m mad right now because I’m a losing my best friend, my addiction, my life… and I have nothing to fill that emptiness but saddness and fear. I haven’t even started the steps so right now, there is nothing replacing what is going away. It’s like your kid leaving home and you keeping the room the same. No-one is sleeping in the room and I expect the kid to return one day and live in it again.
You expect me to know your traditions. Sure, you read them when the meetings start but I don’t know what I am hearing or why any of it will help me stay clean. I don’t even know what you guys are talking about. There is so much going on in my head that you think I’m actually listening?
You expect me to follow along. How? There is no user guide and you guys shout out something when people are reading. I have no idea of what you said. I didn’t exect anyone to do that except when I watched the Rocky Horror Picture show. Then, at the end of the meeting is this group hug? I don’t want to hug in a circle and say worse yet, you guys then start this little, “Just for Today” stuff. All I can do is stand there and look dumb. Nice. Now I feel worse. No-one thought about maybe putting together the words on paper and putting it on the floor so I can follow along? Now I feel real stupid.
You expect me to hug you. Yes, I need a hug. I need a big hug and someone to tell me that everything will be okay. Sometimes the hug is more like a handshake and I don’t get the message. I don’t get that you really care. Why hug me if that’s all there is…just shake my hand. Unless of course you mean it. Then really hug me because I’m scared to death and I don’t think I am deserving of anyone hugging me let alone someone caring. The last good hug was when I was small and not using. I’m still that scared kid inside.
You expect me to get my first coin or keytag. It took major courage to just show up and now you want me to stand up in front of everyone who I don’t know. I just can’t say if that I have that kind of courage. Maybe if you started from the longest years down to the newbies I might understand what to do and it’s okay to get up and get one. They must mean something. I just don’t know the value yet.
You expect me to go out on fellowship events. If I do, I’ll be faking the fact on how sad I am and if I show my colors, you won’t like me. Better to reject myself than you reject me. You invite me to go do things. My instinct is to hide. Maybe I’ll tell you how busy I am in hopes you will give up. In my heart I hope you won’t give up because everyone in my life already did with me. One day, when my mind is clear enough and my faith that you won’t let me down is strong enough, I will accept all offers. You’re testing my desire to stay clean and I’m testing your belief I will. In time we will both win that one but for now, I’m gonna lose. I may even be able to do that for someone else… if I survive.
You expect me to get a sponsor. Looking at those 12 steps, they seem like there is no way someone with all the problems I have to really go through them all the way. Everyone else must have had easier lives I did for sure. How am I going to ask someone to be my sponsor if I am not sure I can do this program? How do you expect me to get a sponsor when no one really shouts out that they really want and need sponsorees? I don’t want to be a bother. I’m not that strong. My pride is already hurt and now I have to beg.
You expect me to have a Higher Power. I know you will bluff me on this one. You will try to convince me a higher power is anything that stops me from using right? We’ll I prayed before and look at me now. My life is ruined. This is the Higher Power you want me to turn to? This is the Higher Power I am suppose to say that serenity prayer? I don’t even know the words let alone believe them. I used to believe that something or someone can save me and now I don’t know what to believe.
You expect me to call someone in the program when I feel like using. Why would you think I would? If I want to use, they could not stop me. I can’t see how. Why call someone who is an addict just like me? I don’t even know if they can stop me. They have no formal training and I’m pretty stubborn. What if they don’t answer? What if they have no time for me? I just know that I will open my soul to them and either get addicted to them or expect the relationship to hurt me. It’s just easier to use.
You expect me not to use. Everyday I wonder if I am going to lose it today. Every moment is filled with the burning desire to use. I’m still in hell and now I have no shield from the heat.
You expect me to fail. That’s why everyone stays away from me when I told them I was new and didn’t have much clean time. That’s why you all group together, pass notes, and look at me funny. Even though I have been going for a while, every meeting in the beginning is like the first day. I had the courage to go to dinner with the group but I sat there all alone and quiet. I AM A FAILURE. Well on that one, at least we agree.
