Don’t know why but I woke up early today and couldn’t get back to sleep. Decided to go into the office early because of this. My back is hurting as well (had a car accident recently and injured my back).
Well mother’s day is over. Usual drama with my sisters. Later that day I went to a meeting. Interesting comments from a couple other people at the group. They said that I the purpose of the first step is to realize that I don’t have to use. Really I know this but what they are saying is that addicts don’t know positive options when they have a problem. They usually see black and white. You know… I have this problem so I will just use instead of thinking about the solution. It makes sense.
I am having a real problem with rejection lately. There is this other guy in NA who I like a lot. He seems to be the “kewl kid” and has his stuff together. He’s good looking, smart and has really is kind hearted and nice. Tries real hard to bring people together and is very supporting of other people in the Fellowship. I so want to be his friend, probably because I admire him and I like his energy. Sometimes the younger ones show me how to live happier. Anyway, I think the big thing is that because of my past, I was not really liked by the jock types at school. They kinda saw me as a loser. They had the hot cheerleaders and they all hung out and I ended up hanging around other dorks like me. I really admired those guys and wished I was like them
So now I’m older. This kid is one of those jocks. Yah, I admire him because I would like to know someone like him would actually like to be friends with a person like me. So I struck up a friendship and it is clear that he has pulled away. First, I don’t know what my problem is… why I have this weird need to be around people like that. There is so many VERY kewl and none jock types I have met at NA. I have met two of them that I really like a lot, probably more. Neither is a jock but both are as nice as them come and they seem to respond to me fairly well. I really like these guys and pray that I will continue to develop my friendship with them and not let my stupidity get in the way of what could be great and lifelong friendships.
Guess getting rejected simply sucks. It’s just I refuse to not try to be friends with people. I can’t change me that much. There are parts of my personality I like and all the rejection in the world won’t kill that part.
