I’m back! Addiction Clean time 2 yrs, 11 months, 14 days
I ’m Rick and I’m and addict.
First I am sorry I have not been more attentive to this recovery blog. I am sorry. I should be. So many things have been happening in my life but the truth is, I let this blog slip and the end result is lack of posts.
Not sure where to begin with what’s going on. I think I’ll go slow and just catch up everyone where I am at with my recovery.
I am going to meetings but not as many as I should. They are starting to get to me and I would sooner watch TV. Trouble is I like meetings. Not all of them. Some of them. I definitely like the people for the most part but I have been struggling with the concept of “artificial significance”. This is changed my thinking and some for good and some for bad.
Here is the concept and this is not a NA concept.
I believe as humans we MUST feel like we deserve to live. That we are important. That we are unique and someone somewhere someone cares if we exist. I think we can do this with negative actions and positive. A positive action is doing service or any volunteer work. We can do it with sponsorship. We can do it by greeting the new comer and being significant in their lives. We get it by sharing our hope with others and by being honest without being all showboat. We live and share with humility and with respect for the listener.
How we do it negatively is easy. We fake being sicker than we are. We brag about our using. We talk all about the trouble our using got us into like we are celebrities. We talk all about how much money we made. We care not for anyone but ourselves. We don’t call other people in the problem, we wait till they call us. We make our sponsees do weird things to show us respect. We act like we know everything and can teach recovery to students. So many ways I simply can’t list them all here.
So the thing is I am thinking about how my character defects makes me act with “artificial significance”. The more I think about it the more ashamed I am at myself all these years. I am ready to change and with the help of my HP I will. It’s just so confusing to me right now.
Being clean and living dirty… Clean time 965 days.
I ’m Rick and I’m an addict
On the one side of my black tag says “Clean and Serene for multiple years of recovery”. Those bastards! They had to throw in the word “serene” and mess it all up for me. See I am clean all right. Not using drugs or drinking. Am I serene? Hell no because as far as I am concerned I am still using. Here is how…
1) I still look at porn and collect it. I love porn. Not that it really does something for me sexually like it used to do but damn, I just love the look of it and I miss the days my life was like a porn star. For some reason I connect to it. Maybe I am seeking love and think the way to get it is to someone connect through sex.
2) Eating. I could take a lasagna bath. Yah that is gross. Ok how about a jelly bean shower? I love food but it makes me sick if I eat it and it makes me look like crap because I eat too much of it.
3) Work. I love working and I sit with a laptop sometimes on my lazy boy doing work while watching TV. Yes, the end result is I make money but the other side is the wonderful isolation.
I could go on and on but here it is in a nutshell… and some of you might not like this… NA does not give me all I need. I still have defects and I still have issues with the whole surrendering thing somehow will lead to me getting rid of the defect. I absolutely need and require “freshness” in my life. That means new meetings, new people, new events, new MESSAGES from new ORGANIZATIONS or speakers!
I am right now listening to Tony Robbins series on “Personal Power ll” and it has made more of a difference recently with my life than NA does.
NA is my base. Tony Robbins and other motivating speakers is my “booster shots”. Combined… I am starting to really live the program now that I broke free from JUST the NA message. Isn’t living the program really just living a serene life? Orthodox members of NA will kill me for this. I am not a puppet to the program. So in case you are some ass-wipe who wants to drag me through the mud on this… consider that if you are working the program you know that NA has no opinion on outside issues… so deal with it.
Oh yah… Happy Holidays
The 5 Spiritual Principles found within the first step… by Pat a sponsee
T he 5 Spiritual Principles found within the first step: AH HOW
1. Acceptance
2. Humility
3. Honesty
4. Open-Mindedness
5. Willingness
Acceptance: “We accept our addiction and life the way it is.” “The foundation of our program is the admission that we, of ourselves, do not have power over addiction.”
Humility: “We admit our powerlessness over our addiction and our inability to manage our own lives.” “We began to see that we had rationalized the most outrageous sort of nonsense to justify the mess that we made with our lives with drugs.” “We begin by asking for help.”
Honesty: “We are powerless not only over drugs, but over our addiction as well.” “We begin by asking for help.” “The foundation of our program is the admission that we, of ourselves, do not have power over addiction.”
Open-mindedness: “The spiritual part of our disease is our total self-centeredness.” We realize the opposite of self-centeredness and begin to practice open-mindedness. “We begin by asking for help.” “Upon working this step, we affirmed our surrender to the principles of NA.”
Willingness: “We reached a point where we could no longer continue using… When we were beaten, we became willing.” We begin by asking for help.”
Keep it fresh!
The monotony of the same meetings over and over again can get to you after awhile. I’ve been clean for a little over six months and have experienced this already. The following contains a variety of ways to keep your program fresh and continue with your recovery. Feel free to add as many as you can think of!
1) Plan a trip to World in 2011 at San Diego and follow through
2) Go on the West Suburban area White Water Rafting Trip
3) Chicago Regional Convention in 2011
4) Become a Sponsor
5) Attend writing workshops for new literature and IP’s
6) Volunteer for the NA helpline
7) Learn the History of NA
Participate in NA Talent Shows
9) Start New Meetings
10) Travel to out of state meetings or different area meetings
11) Join H&I
12) Welcome and get to know new comers
13) Join unity and organize meetings
14) Go to Stronghold and other NA retreats
15) Become a GSR or another trusted servant position
16) Buy NA novelty items
17) Read different NA Literature (IP’s, It Works, Step working guide)
18) Plant an NA tree and watch it grow as I do in my recovery
19) Start an NA Disc Golf Tournament
20) Go on a weekend trip with NA members
Ahhh finally I see my true addiction. Clean time 1 year, 11 months.
I ’m Rick and I’m an addict. First, can you believe I have been clean this long? Amazing. Okay enough with my gloating and onto what’s going on in my head.
I just discovered an interesting thing about my addiction and I thought that maybe by discussing it here, that others may have the same situation and not know it.
So I’m a pretty complex guy. This means my brain has figured me out and for addiction to win this war and kill me it has to be more cunning then even what I normally would recognize. That’s kind of the problem with addiction really… you (the person with a brain disorder) is trying to fix you (the same person) using the same brain (yup – you again). This is why you need the fellowship, a sponsor, friends in NA and more because YOU should not listen for one second to YOU. You’re a liar and you know it. You are a person who can manipulate anyone and you are good at it… then why do you think YOU are immune from YOU?
Did I lose you?
See I have been dealing with the drug issues head on right? I have been dealing with the whole “don’t use for today” and focusing all my attention on staying clean at all costs. Kewl. That’s the program. Problem is (and here’s the fun part..) what if my brain has put my symptoms of drug use in front of me as a “red herring” of sorts so I will never really deal with the deeper more damaging addiction I have?
I am not saying that drugs is not an addiction of mine. It is. I am not denying the evidence because it is just too much. What I am saying is that my addiction to food and sex is in so many ways much more damaging and life threatening. I used to have unprotected sex with anyone who would give me the chance. As you know I used to be a whore so I like going to them on the reverse side now. Kind of comforting. Not sure if I would get normal sex with someone loving and caring. Got sex messed up in my head and now I have problems with the issues of sex and relationships. “Do as I say and not as I do” is my motto. That’s dangerous for soooooo many reasons. Ah, but I am older and now bald and fat and there is no chance right… wait till you read this shit… it’s amazing how smart my disease rally is…
I stopped smoking recently and gained another 25 pounds. I am totally out of control with my weight and growing like the freaking girl on Willy Wonka. Soon I will be the size of a whale if I don’t stop this. My body size causes me to feel like crap and not socialize. I isolate more and more and secretly eat junk food in my car when no-one is looking. This causes me to get fatter. Because I am so fat, I don’t want to have sex with anyone because who would want me right? The people who WOULD want me, I am not attracted to. So IF I LOST WEIGHT then my sex addiction could start! If I stay fat my food addiction wins. either way, my addiction is king and I am just a pawn to my own mental prison.
… and yes… even with 699 days clean I feel dirty and not worthy of getting my black keytag.
I’m a new comer. I’m the guy who just now realized that I am sick way beyond what I first thought. Drugs was socially UNaccceptable way to deal with the even socially acceptable issues such as sex and food issues. Yah, I’m that good.
So just for today I am going to try and break these two habits and get clean. I have a headache. I hate people. I feel bad. I want to eat. I want my porn. FUCK YOU ALL. I am struggling. I will make it. I have friends. I need you. I feel weak. I need help.
Stuff I learned in the time I have been in NA.
I ’m Rick and I’m an addict. This may help or not. I don’t know.
1) Stay plugged in. People who do not stay plugged in usually go back out there. This is why it says in the traditions speech about unity service. Figure out how much you need to stay plugged in so that you would feel bad if you lost your connection.
2) Build up my tools – you never know when you need them. The basic text is just a book. It didn’t get created till years after the program was started. It is just a tool in recovery but it is not the only tool. Owning one means nothing. You do not recover by osmosis. Rubbing the outside of it won’t keep you clean. Preaching the words to others wont get you clean. The book only has purpose when you give it a purpose.. like learning something new and then living what you learn. Recovery is like a flashlight. Just when you need the light to shine it won’t be there unless you keep fresh energy inside.
3) Keep my side of the road clean to the best of my ability. I got clean out of fear that I was defenseless against my enemies. I stayed clean because I didn’t have to be afraid once I realized that I was not in control of what my enemies did anyway. My battles only get worse when I try to make them better using the reserve of spiritual principals. When I become unwilling, intolerant, selfish, and when I look to blame others for what they do to me, I end up losing. When I keep my side of the road clean, things typically work out.
4) We all recover at different speeds and at different times. Be ready for it. I saw meetings as a perfect place. I saw the people in the rooms as a place of safety. I again created a fantasy life, like I did when I was using. In time I learned that the rooms of NA are filled with people who are sick, like me. This means they can show their ugly side and I, being an addict myself, will take their actions 10 times worse then they are. We have a loss of perspective and this is no different. I have seen people do some horrible things since I have been here. People being used for sex for drugs, people being manipulated for money, people being slandered for popularity. I have seen people gang up. I have seem clicks of people treat a single addict poorly. I have heard people happy to share the worse day in someone ELSES life for basic conversation.
5) Chronic constipation will kill. You have heard the expression or used it yourself “I am going to go to my grave with this action or thought”. Yes you will and that very thought will get you there 10 times faster than normal. The more we hold things inside, the more ammo our addiction has to use against us. Share who you are in the meetings and with your sponsor. If you are a monster, let everyone know you are. Once your dark side comes into the light, it rarely has a way back in. Share the truth with your sponsor and if you can’t, then get a new sponsor. You must have a person you can unload your thoughts on.
6) You can’t do this by yourself no matter what you think. You are the problem and your brain is the enemy. You think that the thing that wants you hurt is the thing that will save your ass? You must learn a few basic tricks that require a high level degree of trust. For starters doing things you KNOW you would never do normally. This means doing what your sponsor suggests and not just saying you will. This means trying new ideas out and believing that you are not right all the time no matter how right you think you are. If you don’t learn to LIVE A humble life, you will be broken into submission by your addiction. Your pride could cause you to believe in an idea you have, no matter how bizarre, and your addiction will help you carry it out. In the end, if it is wrong… it is wrong.
7) Learn to defend and protect yourself. When I first got in the program I felt so guilty that I just was willing to do whatever, give away whatever, sacrifice whatever just to have people stop hating me and wanting me to pay for my past. I learned to protect with all my energy the person I am today while dealing with the person I was in the past. This means don’t lay down everything just because you feel a sense of obligation. If you have a lawyer, instruct him on the basic principals you wish for him to act under and then let him do his job of protecting you. If presented with a person from your past whom you harmed, and you are not ready to deal with it, then back off.
Act slowly on new information. If something does not seem right, there is a logical reason for it and you don’t know it yet. We have gotten to a point where people don’t trust us. We may not trust ourselves. People may not tell us the whole story sometimes. Because we have put up a defense wall so high and so thick, once we are on the other side of the defense wall facing our issues and something comes up, we usually feel trapped in a corner and react like an animal forgetting all that we learned about living a good life with our side of the road clean. However, if we pause it’s possible to allow the new tricks we learned in and then deal much better with life. If someone says something about you or a person you know and it doesn’t feel right, this means there is something you just don’t know yet. Don’t pick sides. You could close off a avenue to stay clean for the sake of illusion or lies. If you must know, ask. 3rd hand info sometimes is 1st hand bullshit.
9) Never get your options from yourself. Options is one thing I have an easy time looking at for others but a hard time thinking about for myself. So I never get my options from me. Getting options from people, sometimes many of them, does not mean you still do not have a choice which option you can choose. I typically don’t even think of my choices and therefore choose the one which is worst for me.
10) Don’t make someone else responsible for your recovery. People do care but that does not mean they have to deal with your train wreck of a life. You do. Pay your way and earn respect. You want to be respected, do respectful things. Just because someone cared enough to point out that you need help does not mean they just became the governing body of your recovery.
11) Stop getting people to sign off on your bullshit. Sometimes the reason why we don’t change the people, places and things is because usually somewhere in that mess is someone who is our “validator”… the person who we can blame when things go wrong even though we did it ourselves.
12) Stop looking for reservations. Addicts know that we do not even need a reason to use. Also we will accept everything and anything as that reason… even things we have never seen or exist right now in our lives. When you admit you are an addict you then admit you are unmanageable which, in a nutshell means you finally get that you don’t need a reason to hurt yourself… you will just because you are an addict. People use from boredom. Any reason works. We don’t need reasons. This means anything works which means you must respect this disease and always have your ammo near you.
13) Keep your program fresh. We are by nature hunters. We seek the next biggest high, the next bigger score. We live to use and use to live. This means we are horrible at maintenance. Once you start your program it’s real exciting but at some point the honeymoon is over and we get bored. I have found that the more I plan on keeping the program fun like going to new meetings, going to conventions, dropping by NA events, and yes, speaking when asked, I get to do something new and a lot of time fun.
14) Make sure that the right people know you are in recovery. Does your doctor know. How about your Dentist? Do all your friends know? How about your family. Staying clean works best when people know your limitations or what could make you sick. You should know the difference between people who support your life and those you support with your life. The ones you support – think twice about telling that you are an addict… like your boss. Do they need to know. Why? The ones that supports you should know.
15) Do postmortem reflection. Start learning you. When you have an episode where you want to use, or if you just used, when you get to a “normal” place, ask yourself what triggered the event. Rarely have I seen someone just suddenly start using without an emotional action beforehand. Did your lying increase and become more obvious? Did you get more angry than usual for no reason? Did your sexual attitude change? What changed hours or days before the desire to use came into play. I know when I am about to get sick, I get angry. I know when I hate listening to people share at meetings I am about to get the desire to use. I know when someone treats me like a second hand citizen or treats me like I’m stupid, I am about to use. You can work the steps that you are not on way before you learn them.
16) Participate in every meeting you go to. Never be a guest at a meeting.. be a host. One addict helping another is without parallel but what does that mean exactly. Helping is more than just offering your wisdom. Helping sometimes means doing something to support a meeting. This means help set up or tear down. Get chairs for late comers. Read one of the plastics. Sure, if everyone did this you may not find something to do really but people won’t because some people think that if a meeting is free, then you should not have to contribute. That’s crap.
17) Make friends with people you are attracted to and not physically attracted to. See some people go to meetings to hookup or hit on people. This is because they are sicker than they themselves realize. They are so caught up in their addiction they cannot control the most basic of urges. If you drop “looks” as a reason for getting to know someone, you may find someone you are attracted to in other ways.
18) Have a way to express your feelings other than what you do now. I have a blog. Rrick was started for me to get the feelings out of me. Blog. Journal. Record your thoughts on a tape. Anything. Just get it out of you each day.
19) Get the gear when you can afford to do it. If you like baseball, bet you would get a cap. Start becoming a member of the membership. There is ton of things from cups to rings to shirts and more. If you are a fan, show it. You are not afraid to show you like your sports team. Support your life team. Show the other guys who also collect what you have and they will do the same. Na.org has a store to buy stuff. Check it out.
20) If you choose the wrong option or use again don’t blame the program. The greatest resentment you can have is to the very thing that’s trying to save your ass. Closing the door on something that works is dangerous. There are bad meetings. Bad speakers. Surface level sharing. But the program of NA and this fellowship is bigger than any of that.
21) Embrace the new comer. As time goes by we forget how painful it was only to go back out there and get a reminder. As I speak, hundreds of people are being addicted for the first time. Somewhere on this earth, someone just died of an overdose. I didn’t come to the rooms because I wanted to. I can never forget what is it like and the eyes and ears of the newcomer will keep reminding me of what it is like. When I help the newcomer, I am really helping them distance themselves from death. But another will show up. Rehab centers are usually always full.
22) Making amends just needs to happen. I learned what it’s like to have something stolen from you. I learned whats it’s like to have it stolen from a friend. The feeling of betrayal is incredible and although it is possible to get over it in time, when it happens it hurts real bad. It doe not matter if you agree totally with the amount of the other person’s loss. The emotional loss of friendship and betrayal, even for the smallest thing is very painful. Since you took this persons sense of well being away, you are really the only one who can restore it and everyday you don’t the person walks around a little more damaged. If you want people to forgive you for your errors, you must do what you can to restore them. Don’t expect to be trusted again. The goal is not to get back to the point where you can interact like old times, that ship has sailed. It’s to not have people walking around still in the same bottom you left them. You may not be able to make them whole but you can make them better.
23) Get some balls and get in the game. So get this. One guy I know was solicited for drugs from 2 other clean addicts at a meeting. Another time, one guy was asked for sex in exchange for a fix. Yet another time a girl used a meeting to find a husband whom she later hurt him so emotionally the dude went back out there and is using again. Wake up people. The people who go to these meetings are addicts and they are used to be degraded or doing things that are seriously wrong. Some people go to meetings and lie about their past and make up dramatic stories about their present because reality is just to hard for them. There is one dude I know who goes to meetings who has over 2 decades clean and he is the worst predator I have ever met, preying on the newcomer for sex and a lot of time getting what he wants. As fast as you can, find the people who has the clean reputation NOT JUST THE CLEAN TIME (ohhhh everyone knows the bad ones trust me – they just don’t want to gossip EVEN if the bad ones are hurting others – basically a confused bunch of overly helpful addicts who have no clue how to have a set of balls and mix spiritual principals with a lack of integrity). Find the good guys. Stick with them. And when you have the strength and a good reputation, confront the jerks head-on. Stop being one of those people who slows down when they see a car wreck and get out, help the people and do something. Get in the game. I guess this is what the entire post is all about.
