There are some things that a simply unforgiveable. There are some acts so horrible all the wishing in the world is not going to reverse time. I am about to share with you one of those acts.
This has been on my mind for the last 3 days and each time I go to write about it, someone bothers me or I get side tracked. Finally I am going to let it out and some of you who read this will get totally turned off to reading any more of my posts. I understand. The fact is that the reason why I blog is not really for you. It’s really about me digging into my soul and exposing to the world the dark secrets so that I can one day look back and see what happened. If I die suddenly maybe someone will read this and know what happened to me. Maybe something I say will help someone not use… just for one day.
I am not going to bait you into reading this entire post so I’ll get to the bottom line. This post is about me betraying the trust and love between me and my dog. I had him killed. I am not going to say “put to sleep” because it wasn’t like that. If you want to know what I mean, go ahead and read on. Again, if not, I understand.
I have this affection for dogs and especially ones that are about to be put to sleep by a shelter. About 5 years ago, I thought it was time to get a dog so I went to this shelter. I fell in love with every dog I saw and wanted them all but I knew I couldn’t. After walking up and down the kennel rows, I couldn’t choose so I sat on a bench inside the shelter to think. A handler was walking by with one little dog. He looked like Benji.. a mix of something (not sure) and yorkie. The second I saw him… the very second… I fell in love. I walked over to the handler and she pulled him back from me.
She said to get back, ‘this little guy is not up for adoption”. When I asked why she said that he was found in a car with 2 other bigger dogs in the heat with the windows rolled up. Because of it, he hates men… all men… and he bites…. and don’t even try to get near him when he is eating as he will get uncontrollable. I laughed and I knelt down and said, “not this guy, I can tell a good dog from a mean one”. He wagged his tail and jumped up to lick my face. I asked what his name was and she said, “Benny”. I told her I wanted Benny and she said well why don’t we go for a walk with Benny and see if he follows my lead. We walked around the shelter and he was like attached to my hip. When she saw this she reminded me of the problems Benny had but I didn’t care. I knew he was my dog and I wanted him to come home.
When I took him home, I just couldn’t understand what she was talking about before. That is, until my neighbor said hello to me over the fence. Benny… my little peaceful dog turned into Benny the guard dog from hell. He started jumping up, almost clearing the 5 1/2 foot tall stone fence to bite my neighbor.
Over the next year, I saw what the handler saw. Benny would go nuts when some guest came over. He would attack anyone but I was always there to stop him. Even with the character trait, I still loved him. For me, and only me, he would allow me bath him. It took going to several groomers to find one to do him and ONLY after he was majorily doped up. Sometimes he required a lot of drugs from the vet before a haircut but always, each and everytime, he was a puppy to me. I loved him so much.
Benny would sleep with me. He would sit for hours next to me while I would work. He would go for walks with me and we both loved car rides. No matter how mean he was at times, almost without exception, he was just this little baby. He could swim but preferred to be on my shoulders when I was in the pool. He had a collection of over 200 stuffed animals and loved the ones which played music, not just sweaked. He was the perfect little guy the majority of of the time and as time went by, people loved him and he loved them back. No matter what, each time, I would warn people that Benny has a tendency to snap at times.
Benny did bite me once. He also bit my mother and my neice and my brother (on the ass as my brother retreated from him - my brother is such a pussy). Each time it was because we got close to his food while he was eating and each time all of us knew better but we just simply forgot about this problem Benny had because he was so sweet normally.
One day, a friend of mine came over to go swimming. This meant that there would be a cooler full of beer and rum. Also, there would be meth and coke. My friend loved getting drunk and doing coke. Then he would go swimming and either make fun of me, make me laugh or be an incredible asshole. Trouble is with the drugs and drinking combined, my friend had a tendency to snap at a moments notice.
The house we were in my my mothers house but she was out of town for 3 weeks. So my friend, Benny and me spent the day having fun at the pool in the back. Benny hopped up on a lawn chair and would look at us like we are fools. After a while we got tired of swimming and went inside to watch TV. Benny followed.
My friend, thinking he was playing, started doing making aggressive gestures toward Benny. Benny was sitting my my lap. I told my friend to stop and reminded him that Benny goes nuts but the booze and the drugs was doing the thinking now. My friend got up and got close and then Benny snapped! He attacked and ripped at my friends fingers and cut him right above my friends eye. Blood was everywhere. My friend then lost it and what happened next was one of my most scariest moments of my life.
My friend started running after Benny, tearing up the house as he tried to get him. Benny ran under my bed but my friend lifted my extremely heavy bed up with one hand, ripping the wood rails apart. Benny ran to the bathroom but my friend tried to get him when he was cornered. I could see Benny growling, with blood on his teeth, cowering and shaking. He was scared out of his mind. I got between them and protected Benny. I told my friend to stop. I grabbed Benny and put him outside and got between the patio door and my friend.
My friend then went nuts, he tore apart my living room, picking up the chair and throwing it. Smashing a lamp, knocking over my mothers stuff. He then went to the bathroom and kicked in the vanity doors. I told him to get out but I could not stop him. He was out of control and all I cared about was that he didn’t get near Benny. My friend left but before he left he warned me that I better get that dog dead by tomorrow or he was gonna do it.
I locked the door. Got Benny. Inspected him for damage. I bathed him and calmed him. Then I sat in the living room and cried.
After about an hour I decided to clean up what I could and assess the damage. It was horrible. I worried about my friend injuries. I worried about Benny never being the same mentally. I worried that I would never be able to get everything repaired. I worried that my friend would come get Benny. I was now scared and didn’t know who to turn to. No-one knew about the drugs. I decided that tommorow I would decide but I knew what I had to do. The unthinkable. I had to end my dogs life to start making this better.
The next morning Benny was all happy as normal. I was glad. I was glad he didn’t know what I was about to do. I shook his collar. This sound always made him crazy because this sound meant either he was going for a walk to for a ride. As usual I had a hard time getting the collar on him (had to use a harness because he would get out of collars at the park and attack other dogs). We went to my car. He looked out the window as we drove. He loved that.
I pulled up the the very place I first got him and went to the door where you drop animals off. I walked up to the counter and said I needed to put Benny to sleep. They asked why and for a moment I was going to lie. I wanted to give Benny another chance with someone else. In my heart I knew I had to tell the truth because part of me could not imagine him alive with someone else and part of me didn’t want to have anyone else hurt.. so I told them the truth. I asked if there was anyway for Benny to be put up for adoption and they said no, once he bites someone, there is no option. They took the leash from me and walked him about 20 feet in front of me and he sat down.
He looked straight at me. He wanted me to come to him and play. I just stared at him knowing that in a moment he would die. It was so hard to see his little face looking innocently at me and me knowing I was betraying him. Then a handler came over and took him past the door. I watched as he walked in the room and the door closing behind him. Inside I was screaming for me to tell them to stop. But I didn’t. I just looked at the door as tears started falling down my cheeks.
I asked the lady at the desk when they would “do it” and she said any moment but if I would have a seat they would tell me when it was all over. I just sat there. The world was surreal. I saw people talking and laughing about their new friend they were just getting. Clerks chatting. People walking around. For me, I had trouble breathing and each moment was agony. About 20 minutes later I got up and asked the clerk what is happening. She said she would check and made a call. She hung up and said it was all over. Benny was dead.
Oh God. At that moment it hit me what I did. I just killed my best friend. Benny was just as screwed up as me and he trusted me. If I couldn’t forgive him, how could I ever forgive myself. I walked outside in a daze. Looking at the sunlight hit the trees. The sun hit my face and the tears felt cold. I got in my car, with Bennys leash and drove home. On the way home I called my friend and told him what happened. He said he was so sorry I had to do that and told me that it was a good thing because Benny could have done that to anyone. Truth is, Benny wouldn’t unless someone did that to Benny first.
Over the next couple weeks I managed to repair and replace everything that got damaged. It took me 5 days to call my family and tell them that Benny is gone. Everyone assured me that it needed to be done. I never told them them exactly how it happened. Before my mother got back, everything was back to normal. The hardest part was picking up all the dog toys. Each one hurt my heart.
I now live with this pain. I miss Benny so much. I can’t even imagine how to heal this wound. If I wasn’t on drugs and drinking, none of this would have even happened. My self centered mind somehow believed I could handle myself. What I didn’t know is that doing drugs and drinking is not all about me.
I made my mother cry. I hurt my drug using friend. I destroyed a gift from my Higher Power and I gave myself pain, shame and guilt that nothing will ever take away no matter how many nice words. Most of all I betrayed the trust between a little lost dog who counted on me to protect him and in return for this, each and everyday, he gave me love. Drugs and drinking carries with it a very high price.
Benny… I am sorry.
