Reconstructing Rick

I never really thought I would get this far to tell you the truth. 73 days is important to me because the first time I tried to get clean, I lasted 73 days, then I relapsed. So in a way this is a special day for me because today now makes it equal to the longest time I have been clean in my life. If I make it to tomorrow, then that’s a record. Today is just equal.

This number must mean something in my life because this is not the first time 73 days has been important. This was also the number of days, (and I counted back then), I didnt think of anything else but working the streets. It was on this day I decided to see if I could get a real job instead of hustling. I think it’s best to share that story because maybe that is why I lost it the last time and I figure I better get it out of my system and see if that stops the repeating pattern.

For those of you who did not read about me selling my body as a teenager, just pop back to my older posts. Click on the tag, “whore”.

Being on the streets and selling yourself in LA is not a wonderful experience like TV makes it out to be. The real world is much darker than TV can ever portray. Picking up johns and taking them to a run down building or going to their room  or your pad is not pretty. Oh, you act strong, but every moment is terrifying. Not all johns are wimps. Some are peaceful, kind types but some are big violent types. The way I got through the experience, (and I want to point out that almost without exception all my new friend who was working the streets did as well), was to consider it a job. You detach from the fact that it’s a sexual experience and you treat it just like anyone else does… you go to work.

At this point, I was moved out the condemned building I was in when I first got to LA, and into a weekly motel room that I shared with another guy. One of the problems of being on the streets is if you get sick you have no one to take care of you and worse, no one cares. I remember that the day before I started feeling bad and sure enough, I was sick the next day.

Try to imagine being so sick that when your roommate brought a trick back to the room, you had to leave. As I sat ourside on the steps, sick and weak, my first thought was the trouble I was actually in. What if I didn’t get better? What if my sickness came from one of my tricks? Where would I go? What would I do?

When you’re sick you don’t think happy thoughts. You think you need to take some drugs, make yourself better and go out on the streets and make some money. I was too weak to stand and the thought of getting in someone’s car was impossible. That’s when I thought I needed to get a real job or at least try. I thought about going home and taking the abuse all over again just for the security of being at home. I thought of ending my life.

In the end, in a non-dramatic way, I just did a few lines and slept on the stairs for a while. I didn’t stop using. I didn’t go home. I didn’t kill myself. What did happen was I just hardened my heart.

The next day I was still sick but not as bad and I went back out and started “working” again. But before I got in the first car again, it was clear to me that this will end when either a miracle happens in my life or I die. When I hopped in the first car that stopped that day I stopped believing in miracles.

Through the support of fellow addicts, I didn’t use but I did have a conversation with my sponsor and I want to share with all of you the message I shared with him. He forgot something that I guess clean time allows you to forget. How hard it is to be new to this stuff.

So this post is to all addicts going to one of the long list of “Anon” groups…

You expect me to smile at meetings and I do. I do because I want to fit in but behind that smile is fear and saddness. Don’t confuse my lying smile with your “years of clean time” smile. They look the same but they are not. I know there is a good chance I am not going to fit in because the only place I fit in is with other people using. Hell when I talk I don’t even make sense to ME!

You expect me to share. If i did, the majority of it is to distance myself from you, not bring us closer. Did I say something that was offensive or not in the programs way? Good. I’m mad right now because I’m a losing my best friend, my addiction, my life… and I have nothing to fill that emptiness but saddness and fear. I haven’t even started the steps so right now, there is nothing replacing what is going away. It’s like your kid leaving home and you keeping the room the same. No-one is sleeping in the room and I expect the kid to return one day and live in it again.

You expect me to know your traditions. Sure, you read them when the meetings start but I don’t know what I am hearing or why any of it will help me stay clean. I don’t even know what you guys are talking about. There is so much going on in my head that you think I’m actually listening?

You expect me to follow along. How? There is no user guide and you guys shout out something when people are reading. I have no idea of what you said. I didn’t exect anyone to do that except when I watched the Rocky Horror Picture show. Then, at the end of the meeting is this group hug? I don’t want to hug in a circle and say worse yet, you guys then start this little, “Just for Today” stuff.  All I can do is stand there and look dumb. Nice. Now I feel worse. No-one thought about maybe putting together the words on paper and putting it on the floor so I can follow along? Now I feel real stupid.

You expect me to hug you. Yes, I need a hug. I need a big hug and someone to tell me that everything will be okay. Sometimes the hug is more like a handshake and I don’t get the message. I don’t get that you really care. Why hug me if that’s all there is…just shake my hand. Unless of course you mean it. Then really hug me because I’m scared to death and I don’t think I am deserving of anyone hugging me let alone someone caring. The last good hug was when I was small and not using. I’m still that scared kid inside.

You expect me to get my first coin or keytag. It took major courage to just show up and now you want me to stand up in front of everyone who I don’t know. I just can’t say if that I have that kind of courage. Maybe if you started from the longest years down to the newbies I might understand what to do and it’s okay to get up and get one. They must mean something. I just don’t know the value yet.

You expect me to go out on fellowship events. If I do, I’ll be faking the fact on how sad I am and if I show my colors, you won’t like me. Better to reject myself than you reject me.  You invite me to go do things. My instinct is to hide. Maybe I’ll tell you how busy I am in hopes you will give up. In my heart I hope you won’t give up because everyone in my life already did with me. One day, when my mind is clear enough and my faith that you won’t let me down is strong enough, I will accept all offers. You’re testing my desire to stay clean and I’m testing your belief I will. In time we will both win that one but for now, I’m gonna lose. I may even be able to do that for someone else… if I survive.

You expect me to get a sponsor. Looking at those 12 steps, they seem like there is no way someone with all the problems I have to really go through them all the way. Everyone else must have had easier lives I did for sure. How am I going to ask someone to be my sponsor if I am not sure I can do this program? How do you expect me to get a sponsor when no one really shouts out that they really want and need sponsorees? I don’t want to be a bother. I’m not that strong. My pride is already hurt and now I have to beg.

You expect me to have a Higher Power. I know you will bluff me on this one. You will try to convince me a higher power is anything that stops me from using right? We’ll I prayed before and look at me now. My life is ruined. This is the Higher Power you want me to turn to? This is the Higher Power I am suppose to say that serenity prayer? I don’t even know the words let alone believe them. I used to believe that something or someone can save me and now I don’t know what to believe.

You expect me to call someone in the program when I feel like using. Why would you think I would? If I want to use, they could not stop me. I can’t see how. Why call someone who is an addict just like me? I don’t even know if they can stop me. They have no formal training and I’m pretty stubborn. What if they don’t answer? What if they have no time for me?  I just know that I will open my soul to them and either get addicted to them or expect the relationship to hurt me. It’s just easier to use.

You expect me not to use. Everyday I wonder if I am going to lose it today. Every moment is filled with the burning desire to use. I’m still in hell and now I have no shield from the heat. 

You expect me to fail. That’s why everyone stays away from me when I told them I was new and didn’t have much clean time. That’s why you all group together, pass notes, and look at me funny. Even though I have been going for a while, every meeting in the beginning is like the first day. I had the courage to go to dinner with the group but I sat there all alone and quiet. I AM A FAILURE. Well on that one, at least we agree.

Today I celebrate one month of clean time. I am suppose to get a keytag at a meeting tonight but I think I’ll wait for my Saturday meeting because I consider the meeting I go to on saturday my “home group”. Yah, this is boring, I know. I should be really excited but I’m not.

The reason why I am not in the best of moods is the fact that I am just not excited about anything today. After yesterday I know I am an addict and I am just about over it, meaning I am just too tired mentally and physically to deal with it.

So what happened yesterday? I ate like a freaking pig and just could not stop. I ate to the point of making me sick. I have been having nightmares. I don’t want to hang around anyone. Actually I am not too sure I want to even go to meetings right now. So let’s see if I can figure out what the heck is bothering me to be this way.

First, I am just tired of trying to make friends with people. Somehow, and I don’t know how this happened, I forgot how to be friends with people. Before I used to buy my friendships. Then I would lie to make friends by saying I like to do certain things because it was what the other guys said they liked. I would go places and do things to please people and in the end I always wanted my needs to be met, and they weren’t.

I worked like a slave all memorial weekend on a friends site only to not have it finished. Worse yet, when he saw it he really didn’t like it. I don’t blame him because I didn’t like it either. I have to finish it up but I think the quality of my work sucks. My boss thinks I do a good job but I am not too sure he is telling the truth.

I know that NA teaches that you don’t have to use. Before I felt like I had to use but NA teaches you don’t. Even though it’s my 30 day benchmark, I just know I am going to go back to using. It’s a matter of time and situation. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t want to use and because I am simply not happy, I am using food to make me happy only to make me sad. Now I feel useless.

I don’t want people to give me encouragement. I am tired of being overweight. I am tired of being an addict. I am tired of the work I do. I am lonely. I just want to cry. Hell, typing that made me tear up. I am tired of doing that because it makes me feel weak and not a man.

What really bothers me is that I just need to feel happy again and I know if I use Meth I will. If I use I will feel that I can make friends and I can lose weight and I can do a good job. Being sober sucks.

The other day I was remembering what it is like to make out with my old girlfriend. She said I was a great kisser but I think she really was and I went for the ride. What a fool I was to let her go. She was really a great power in my life and I miss her so much. Her name was Melanie but I called her Mel. She was an addict and she told me this but I never identified to her that I was as well. I wish I did because it would have been easier for us. I really miss her and I regret that my life was so screwed up that I didn’t take it to the next level. I was scared.

The funny part about Mel was I think that I could have married her if I was not so screwed up. Seems to be a pattern in my life the more I think about it. It seems that just when things get good, I destroy them. I know, that’s messed up.

You know the bad thing about having all these bad things happen in my life?  When I look at them one by one, I can deal with them but when I summarize them in my head, I see no hope. So who cares in I have one month clean. No reason to praise me or celebrate. I’m just goona screw it up like usual. It’s a matter of time.