Sometimes it still hurts, Clean time 143 days
I t doesn’t make a difference on how long you have been clean and how many days you have been in a good mood, some days you simply get down.
Somethings trigger me to get down. Since no-one responded to my post on chatting, then I am gonna guess no-one is reading this blog. With that in mind I am going to just open up and know that it’s okay, there is no-one looking.
So what hurts me:
1) I hate being alone. I am so used to having someone in my life. I don’t like it at all. Guy or girl, makes no difference to me, I just hate being alone. I want someone to sleep next to. Go out to a movie. Laugh at TV shows with. Talk with. Buy things for. Love.
2) I hate being poor. I used to have so much money till I blew it. Each day i hope to win the lottery. Each day I hope to figure out how to make more and at the end of the day I always don’t. I work so hard at failing.
3) I hate my memories. I hate the constant repeating in my head about the abuse I went through and because it repeats all the time, I hate the feeling it is happening to me again. I just wish I could erase those memories.
4) I hate my body. I see guys who look so cut and beautiful. They have no clue how good they have it. I have lost weight recently and look better but I will never look as good as these guys. It would be great to just one day live in the body of a really hot guy just so I can know what it feels like to have people drool over you. Just once. Never gonna happen.
5) I hate being me at times. I talk too much. I say things I shouldn’t. I think I’m better than others at times and try to show my wisdom when I should learn to shut the hell up. I always regret it and I always think about how I should have not talked so much when I am alone.
6) I hate being in Illinois. Yes, that’s where I am at. The food is great and that’s about it. Traffic sucks. The weather sucks. The buildings look like crap. The people are the only redeeming quality and I just can’t figure out why good people live here. They should try Arizona, Texas, Nevada and even parts of California. I’m trapped here for now and I hate each day I am here. I always feel like I want to go home yet this is where home is for now. I want to go make a new home.
7) I hate missing my dog. Yah, stupid. But I killed him. I hate me for that. It would be so nice just to have that unconditional love just once more.
Sometimes all the clean time in the world does not stop me from being me. I hate me for that.
