Reconstructing Rick

This post is for a very close friend but I hope it can help others. Three stories. One message.

STORY ONE:
Brian got married this year and he moved his new bride to Chicago to be close to her family. He grew up in Los Angeles and his parents still live there. He has always spent the holidays at his parents’ home. This year, his wife wants him to stay in Chicago so she can be with her parents. Inside he feels bad but he knows that now, he has a new family and he now realizes it’s no longer all about him. It’s about both of them. Even with this being said he argues about it and worse yet, inside holds a grudge about giving in as his brides family is here in town while his family is far. He justifies his argument as saying that she can see her family every day. He makes a deal with her that next year they will go to his family. When the holiday does come, he has an attitude about it.

STORY TWO:
Jeff has alienated his family so much from his drug use, that his family no longer wants to see him. That includes the holidays. Now Jeff is clean and feels his family should accept him. He plans to spend some time with some new friends but when the day comes, he doesn’t. A friend calls to wish him a happy holiday and he tells his tale of sadness but makes sure to add that it’s okay. Weeks before the holidays he thought about it.

STORY THREE:
Sue is flat broke. She can’t afford the ticket to fly home. She also has no friends where she is at now. No decorations. No festivities. Just another day for her. No matter how many times she says out loud to others who ask that she “doesn’t care; it’s just another day”, inside she is empty and hurting. She feels alone more than before and left out. She does not know how she is going to make it and fears that she will use drugs or drink a lot just to get the day over.

So what does all three have in common? They have made the holidays all about them. Brian forgot that Home for the Holidays is being with the people who you spend your non-holidays with. Those days are a celebration of all the days combined. One day his parents will die and what will be his excuse then?  You don’t need a holiday to meet your loved ones. You don’t need a decorated tree to give a gift to someone you love or to even tell someone you love that you love them.

Jeff’s friends are his family now. What he is not doing is making effort to celebrate with his new family. What he does not know is that his family re-connection will take time. Jeff has no intention of trying to build a new family for himself, only to mourn the loss of his old one. It’s easier because he feels rejected and mope around in self pity then to build a family of his own.

Sue is looking for an excuse to use again and she found it. Money is not the issue. She needs things like decorations to take her mind off her.

The point I make is this… when we died as addicts, we seldom take the time to build a life as a non-addict. We would rather self-obsess and try to grab onto the past without realizing that what we really are trying to get back is a feeling that we are loved. That we are special. That we not forgotten and that our lives do have value.

As recovering addicts we can get all of that and more.

First, today call your family, your sponsor, your friends and anyone you know that cares for you. Tell them that you love them. You don’t have to say “love” if that makes you feel funny. You can say you “care about them” or “you appreciate that they are in your life even if far away”.  If you can’t call, write. When you are done with your family, do the same with the people you know who you appreciate. The more love you give away, the more you will get back.

Before the holidays approach, ask other addicts at the meetings if they will be going to one on that day or the day before. As a few. Get a small group together. Ask them if they wanna get together an hour before the meeting so that you guys can just have coffee together and talk. Make it a plan.

The day before, realize that sitting at home will make you feel isolated. Sometimes being at other people’s homes will feel funny if you drop by on the day itself. You need to have a sleep-over. Ask a few people if they want to come over the night before and stay the night. You are gonna watch movies and have pop-corn. Feel bad about the place you live? Maybe everyone can chip in and rent a hotel room. If you are away from the place you live at now, even in a hotel with friends, you will feel like you went somewhere for the holidays and in effect you did. Don’t do it for you. Do it for them. Try to find a hotel that has a holiday buffet on the day itself.

Make a simple plan. First… your plan has to be rooted in the premise that it’s not about you. That’s why you feel bad now. Make a plan that it’s about you AND someone else. The two of you. Or three. Or more. Start talking about it now. Although you will find a lot of people already have plans, someone who you know doesn’t or wishes they had an excuse to get out of going to their family. Some would like a wonderful excuse to get away. I remember that the FEELING of going home for the holidays was more fun than the actual event. Usually I got in arguments or got bored. When it was all over I wondered why it was so important to me and I usually promised I would not go through that crap next year.

Finally, if you are all alone and I mean ALONE and have not made friends with anyone or have zero money to do anything, then you still have options.

Go to a meeting you have never gone to before.

Volunteer to housesit for a friend who has a pet and may have to put the pet in the kennel while they travel.

Because you are on the internet now, I assume you will on the holidays as well. Plan on going to YouTube and searching for submissions by people who have made spoofs of holiday videos. Here is an example… click this… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kD5d17U1r8g   and there is a lot more than that one to keep you happy and get outta your head.  Just type in “parody Rudolph the red nose reindeer” in YouTube.

Of course, you could comment on this blog and tell others who will read it how you are not going to make this holiday all about you and what your ACTION PLAN is. Share the Love and you get the love back.