Reconstructing Rick

This has been rolling in my head for the past few days and I know it’s not good. I think I’m in trouble.

After a meeting recently, (which really sucked by the way because there was 3 girls giggling and passing notes - which really kills me), I decided to back off a few things. Not because of them, but maybe because it was just one more reason why this isn’t gonna work for me.  I decided I need a vacation from all this “recovery”. I don’t know if other addicts ever thought this way but I am sure a few of you have.

What I mean is that I am tired of not getting real far in my step-work. My sponsor is a nice guy and I would be a friend to him even if I was in NA or not. He is just too busy with people in their 4th, 5th and higher steps to help me. I’ve asked…. and he will see me Saturday. Not sure if I will see him.

The NA “family” to which I belong is pretty large but mostly they are filled with guys who are younger and into more young things. I have lost my connection to them completely. I have lost my connection to my sponsor.

What’s worse is that I really don’t want to go to anymore meetings. Also I have stopped going to my counselor because she simply didn’t help. I think I am about one hair away from stopping this recovery thing.

To make matters worse, when I say vacation, I am talking about using again. Now I know that my using before was very destructive but I’m thinking a few nights a week going out for drinks and maybe a day or two with a few little vicodins. Just to chill me out and give me a break. It sounds bad but in my head it’s a vacation and I know I won’t abuse it.

I’m realy not crying out for help, I just felt because people have been nice to me, you should know that I may be stopping this recovery thing. I am sure using a little bit won’t hurt that much. All this misconnection has started me wanting to go back to some of the fun I used to have and to be honest, I have not had much fun not using.

Sure, people give me hugs at the meetings and that does mean something to me. One of the sweetest people in the world is a lady named Fran and I would hate to hurt her so I am thinking of not showing up to my usual meetings. I have noticed a lot of people take an extended break too. Some I see back, some I don’t.

The rule is to be a member, all you have to have is the DESIRE to stop using. I am pretty sure I lost that. That would mean, no desire = I’m on my own.

All I know is it sure would be nice to have a few pills right now and just listen to some music. Don’t know what else to say. Think I’m gonna tell my sponsor that I am going to stop coming to meetings for a while when I see him on Saturday.

I’m going to bed now. I have thought this for 3 days now. Maybe tomorrow I won’t but I doubt it. I have the pills. I just keep looking at them. No-one knows but you guys. I’ll let you know.

So that’s where I stand today. I need a break.