Yet another call to my mother from someone who I owe amends. This one at 1:15 in the morning.
I am so tired of worring about what my past will cause to me. My life is getting to be hell and I am trying my best to be positive but it is clear that I am losing ground. I tried to call my sponsor but for this last week he has not been available for me.
Yesterday my sister just ripped me apart. Her words hurt very badly. I almost ran and I think with a little soul searching, running may be the option I choose. My mind is just getting a little foggy right now.
A little history here is needed. When I fell apart about 6 months ago, in my daze I sought help from my brother and sister. They put me in a hospital because I was suicidal. I also was coming out of a major drug period and my nerves where totally shot. I needed to go in the hospital. The hospital also was a safe place for me and I needed to feel safe for a little while. One of the agreements at the time was that they could have control over my decisions and money until such time as I was able to have a clear head. At the time it was a good decision because I was not capable of making any decision right.
I caused many people great harm with my addiction. At the time, I didn’t care because I was justifing my behaviour with many excuses. I befriended people, did things so they would trust me and screw them in the process.
This mentality goes back a long time. Decades. I know where it started. When I was being abused as a kid, and helpless, I always thought that I would get back at my father by outwitting him. All I had for survival skills was that somehow I could out-think him and give him payback in time. I accepted that he was abusing me as part of my life but I always hoped that I could make him suffer for what horrors he put me through. In time, I realized he was untouchable so my solution was to make sure he was never part of my life till the day he died. My hope was that he would realize that he lost a son from from he did and my actions would cause him pain from the loss. I was counting in the thought that everyday that went by he would have some sort of fathernal instinct pain. I know… stupid.
It really bites that he died at 69 yrs old because in my head, I wanted him to suffer for many years and when he was extremely old and alone, sitting his in wrecked old body in a nursing home, he would be helpless and frightened and he could not cry out to anyone for help, just like he did to me as a child.
The problem with thinking like this as a child is that this thought of paying back people who hurt you is the same process as you get older. To make matters worse as time goes on, you seek people who will love you, and the only kind of love you know is the love of people that hurt you. The guilt of this type of unhealthly lifestyle is very large and the solution I chose was drugs. My whole life was centered around using in one fashion or another.
I would use great bait to get these abusers to seek me out. Money was the easiest because these types of people like sucking the life out of their victims. If I came to the table with cash or gifts or more, they would find me attractive, start using me and then the sick process of feeling like I am loved while all the while secretly hurting them back begun. The more they hurt me… and they always found a way… the deeper my inner desire to hurt them back ad the more complex the plan.
Sometimes cash was not enough. I developed business skills because these abusers tend to be business owners and more importantly, they seem to abuse more than just me, they abuse other employees too. My sickness can progress because now I think, by hurting them, I am giving payback for many people, not just me.
Wow. That is so messed up and now I am just starting to realize what the hell I have been doing my whole life. The people who I owe amends are also people that have been very bad to me. Only a couple people in my life I owe amends who did not hurt me and those people are not the ones I am scared about. Those people by nature are nice people and I have no shame talking to them about my role in their pain. The ones I am scared about is the abusers who I hurt as part of my disease, but hurt me as well.
My entire life has been filled with this insanity. Now I am scared because the people I have hurt are coming back to hurt me back. Running from them feels good because then I will know they have to deal with it but when they fight as they will, I have to defend my actions. How do you defend your insanity?
In a way, I hope that I have to deal with my stuff legally now. If i get arrested or put in prison it may actually be horrible but I know that if I go through the experience, when I get out, I will have paid fully for my role in this messed up life and I can start fresh. But also I think that even if that happened, when I get out, there will still be years to pay back for my life and it may take every single year. End result, no light at the end of this tunnel and I will have had a horrible life from childhood to death.
That leads me to think that maybe suicide isn’t such a bad option. Also maybe running is a good option. I just don’t think I can express this to a judge who will be understanding of what my life is about and why I did what I did but also I think that yet again, the abuser won and I ended up the victim once more.
So I guess I’m tired. Tired of being scared. Tired of losing everything. Tired of feeling unloved. Tired of feeling like a loser…. which by the way is what my sister called me yesterday…. a bum… a loser. All because I work 60 hours a week for low pay. She thinks I am spineless. What she doesn’t know is this is the first time in my life I am trying not to be that insane person and yes, these guys are abusing me with countless hours of work for the same pay but this time, I have no other agenda but to do a good job for them, even if they are bad people with good personalities.
God help me. I need to get through this period of my life. I need the serenity to accept the things I cannot change right now and give me the courage to change the things I can.
