I’m Rick and I’m an addict.
I think every boy who had a father who hit him all heard this line before. It’s an old standard. It’s an abusers tag line. They have no clue because if they were to see what it is like to live in reality, we all have something to cry about far worse than what he could ever do.
I read the comment by Frank on my last post. I am so proud of him. His situation must be horrible and he has something to cry about. But yet, he writes a positive comment when I was down.
I read the comment by Jeff who relapsed recently a couple posts back. How hard it is to feel like you are failing. Yet, he opened up and shared his pain with us.
From Brainmenu, Immi, Tim and so many more who have shed so many tears inside, abusers stand no chance with us because we have given ourselves more than enough reason to cry. Yet, we rise above our pain, guilt and feelings of low worth and extend our hand out with love and caring.
I want to share a little true story of something in my past that may help everyone out. I had an accident a while back when I was much younger. I cut my wrist (not intentionally) with a saw. Pretty bad cut. I went to the hospital and the doctor in the Emergency room said it will require a lot of stitches and a couple layers. Worse yet, he can’t put me out to do the cleaning of the wound AND he can’t use enough shots to kill the pain because it would run out. Back then, they didn’t have good meds to kill the pain in exact locations on the body so it was not so precise like it is today.
The doctor told me he is going to have a bunch of nurses hold me down because he would have to use his scalpel to cut me deeper to make sure no little steel bits were embedded. He was going to cut IN the cut and again, I would feel every part of it. He asked me if I trust him. I said yes. He said it was going to feel very hot at first and hurt badly but he will try to keep injecting drugs in to dull it.
They held me down. He gave the first shot. Nothing! The bleeding was still bad. He then looked down at my arm and I tried to move my head toward him to look but the nurse held my head in place. Then I felt it. My body bent and I screamed. I begged him to stop. Tears running down my eyes. I could hardly catch my breath as he would take cut after cut into the wound. Then he stopped.
He said for me to rest a moment. He was not done. He felt there was more and he had to continue. He injected me again and he reassured me that if I could endure this, the wound would heal fast and with little scar. He told me to breathe again and relax. He said for me to trust him, it’s almost over. Then the nurses held me again down. He bent over, I said stop but he didn’t. He kept going. Tears rolled down my face and between gasped I begged him again to stop. he stood up, said it was all done and he was going to have someone else close it up. He thanked me for being a good young man and left.
Today, you can barely see the scar. It’s there, but you have to look real close.
I know now this was much more than fixing a wound. It also had a message with it. It was a message of trust.
While the operation was going on, that doctor was my higher power. He was in control. He was concerned on how the accident happened, what injury was still there and what he was going to do to fix me with little scar. He didn’t promise the repair would be pain free. He even told me it would hurt worse than the accident itself. He let me take a rest in the middle, to catch up and gain more courage. He then did what needed to be done to make me better.
That’s what my higher power is doing to me right now. I have made mistakes. I have had accidents. I have made comments, took bad steps, did bad things. Knowing I was injured, I tried to heal myself only to find that I was no doctor at all. My higher power asks me to trust Him. No Promises that that it will be pain free while he does what he has to do. As a matter of fact, he even has others come in and hold me down so I don’t lash out. Just when I think that my Higher Power is working against me, he reminds me to trust him.
Naturally I beg for him to stop. But he knows that my begging is for the pain to stop, not the healing. Just as a good Higher Power does, he continues. At the moment when I simply cannot take anymore bad things happening to me, he stops. The surgery is done. Now the healing can start.
Things are happening in my life once more. Some good, some bad. I used to be very scared. Now, I am not. The surgery is starting again. There is no better surgeon. I have to muster the courage and take a deep breath. This is gonna hurt. I am glad.
November 13th, 2008 at 9:48 am
You hit the nail on the head. We want the pain to stop, not the healing. It can be awfully easy to confuse the two sometimes, though.
November 13th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Here is a bit of Psychology for you rick.
You know when people smoke cigarettes they say “I could quit anytime I want to” well this is the reason that they can’t quit. They say this and then suddenly they have to explain it to themselves why they can’t quit. And there is only on good explanation, and that is because THEY WANT TO. They want to smoke that next cigarette, or that’s what they tell themselves. It makes them feel like they are more in control of their lives, that they have power over the cigarette. They keep the backdoor open when they first start, thinking that they can walk out it at any time. And this is the main reason why they can’t. While they are justifying it psychologically they build a physical habit and it overwhelms their whole identity. And that’s when the back door shuts. But that doesn’t matter to them because they still think they are in control. They play their own God.
The reality is that some people do use drugs rarely and then quit. There are plenty of people who have just “tried” coke. But the more you believe you have control and can quit anytime you want, the more you are bound to justify doing the drug.
Before you ever even think about doing meth, know that back door shuts behind you and you’re fucking trapped. You ain’t in control and you know that much which is good.