Reconstructing Rick

Before I started writing this I had a whole different post in mind. I was going to write on self-acceptance because this was the topic of one of the meetings but before I could do this blog I was haunted by memories of my insanity and I wanted to write them here in this blog.  It’s a little embarassing but I have to tell the truth to get rid of this stuff.

So a friend and I was at this really nice hotel in Phoenix. I mean nice. A resort. The room was perfectly appointed with fine furniture and fixtures. We got it at a real good deal and normally we could never afford a place like this.

Anyway my friend, also an addict (not recovering – just a guy I did a LOT of drugs with), was traveling with me. He also was a co-worker and we both were moving to Phoenix. Anyway the purpose of the trip was to find a new place to live and considering the fact that the company was paying for these trips, we made the most of them. I am suck a dick.

So we both decided to drop some Meth non-stop for the whole trip. This way we could swim, stay up all the time and have a few laughs. It didn’t hurt that he was not bad looking, fun to be around and just my type of guy… an asshole who knew how to suck the life out of people. As you know, I am attracted to people like this.

We are both into the UFC big time. Well let’s put some pieces together that shouldn’t EVER go together. The UFC, Meth, and two guys way too big to be safe. One thing lead to another and somehow we started to wrestle. because of the Meth I had some pretty big energy boosts and was successful with hurting him in the knee. He went into a rage, tore up the place including but not limited to destroying a fine chair, a floor lamp, drapes and more. Then when he was done with his rage he bolted and ran.

I knew that the damage was a lot but I knew I could cover it financially. I just didn’t want the shame of talking with the hotel manager. Didn’t make a difference because they found out and I ended up paying a grand in costs to get the room back to normal.

What was wrong with me back then that I didn’t run as fast as I could away from this guy? Instead, what did I do? I drove around the neighborhood looking for him and in about 45 minutes I found him hiding in some bushes. He was ashamed and calmer.

The reason why I didn’t run from him was in truth I wanted to help him. I thought that he was the type of guy that no-one ever stayed by him because of his bi-polar actions. I thought I could be the friend he never had an in turn create a lifetime bond with him. I knew he was not into guys and to tell you the truth, I was not into him even though he thought I was. I was into his friendship because I define love as people who hurt me.

Looking back, I am amazed at what drugs did to me. Anyone who says that drugs is just about getting high has no clue. The person who does them has no clue because they can’t see it. I didn’t. Now, I have to get over the shame my actions and move on.

I hope to do lots of service work because I owe a lot… mostly I owe myself so that by helping others who are lost like I was I might be able to save myself.