Reconstructing Rick

Recently, in a counseling session I said a few things that really made me think after I said them. I share them with you because I think there is a lot of people this applies.

First, my sister has been in counseling for years. She has been dealing with some serious issues I am sure, but one which I am aware. She felt that she owed me something. Maybe she still feels she does. You see, I found out that when my father used to abuse me, my siblings knew about it. They would hear him crack me in the head, punch me, says bad things to me and eventually rape me. I never knew they heard this.

What my 2 older sisters would do is hide in their closet and cover their ears. They couldn’t take listening to those sounds. They would hear me wail in tears and beg for him to stop. This was unbearable to them. They also feared that one of those times, when he was done with me, he might just go after them. My sister said she thought that I was being the “sacraficial lamb” and the protector between my father and them.

My brother also told me recently that he was and still is angry that I ran away. He felt that I gave up on him and basically threw him to the wolves. My father never touched him for some reason and he also felt happy about that, but strangely because of that, there was something wrong with me.

The truth is they have some truth to what they say and think. I know that there was many times that I actually thought that I better not run because my father would go after them. But this didn’t happen till later in life, in my early teens. Before that, I didn’t even think that at all. I am ashamed to admit that when I was younger I didn’t care if he did or didn’t, just that he didn’t do it to me anymore. Later, to cope with the situation, I got this valour mentality.

After I ran away and ended up being a prostitute, I stopped thinking about them and started thinking about how much I hated my father, in a much more deeper level. I knew he wouldn’t touch them. I think he was more scared of what might be done back to him from a son who was now ruined and hurt. He was right and for that reason and many more, I made damn sure I lived more than 1000 miles from him at anytime.

My sisters owe me nothing. Never did. They were indirect victims and I am sorry they suffer. My brother probably does have a reason to feel that way but in truth, when I left at 15 to Los Angeles, I was on a suicide run. I didn’t think I would live and all I knew is that I could just not take one more day, not one more, living like I was. I would rather be dead. I didn’t think of him at all. I thought about not living and trying to survive.

My family today is very torn apart. My mother is and will always be in denial. She is so old that I hope she never knows the whole truth, even if she feels part of it inside. I would hope that the years ahead are happy ones and I have no intention on hurting her or her positive feelings for my now dead father.

One sister is a bit out of touch with everyone but her family and my other sister is still trying to pay for my fathers actions instead of being a sister and just being a friend. My brother and I are very strained and I just don’t see how that will ever change.

What my father did was much more abuse and destructive then just to me. He destroyed the bond between us in our family, he made all of us struggle through our lives to find hope and happiness and then he died leaving us never to make peace and find healing.

My family now is people I call friends. They just don’t know that I trust them and love them more than anyone who is blood to me. Sure, my Higher Power may change this, but for now, that’s the way it is.

So if you are one of those people who we’re not abused, but you know someone close that was, know that it is NOT your fault, you owe NOTHING to the abused. All you can do is heal yourself because you may never have recognized that you we’re a victim too.

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