Reconstructing Rick

I’m Rick and I’m an addict

I’ll keep this brief. I’m angry and messed up. I have a whole bunch of people from my past starting to come into my present and I am starting to lose that courage of which I speak. I actually had thoughts of using today.

Weird shit has been going through my head lately on top of it. Get this… So I am at my sisters house for Thanksgiving and I had to take the turkey and put it in the over because it was too heavy for her. So she puts it on a rack inside this pan. I look at it and you know what I think? Wow… that’s sucks for the turkey now doesn’t it. The pan is the turkeys coffin and as it sits on the table ready for me to shove it in the oven we all look at it like it’s some sort of freaking prize. What if that was a dog? Would we do the same? Geez…. that’s it. I know it now. My mind is going again.

It’s that magical time of the year when everything bad happens to me. This is the time when all the crap of last year got worse. I ended up with a nervous breakdown, a heart attack which required a hospital visit and almost overdosing. It’s also the same period that was the building up towards the final end of what I knew. Emotions are all over the place then and of course again now.

I am really pissed because I thought I was doing better. I’m a fake. I’m just as bad as last year. Okay… want another piece of my insanity? So last week I decided I had enough of my “normal life” and wanted to go to a strip club. I really don’t even like strip clubs but I wanted to go to one anyway. By myself of course because I didn’t want to have anyone see me drink if I lost it and started drinking (which I shouldn’t of course). On the way there I bust a left turn light and get pissed. Gonna get a ticket for that. Worse yet, when I get to the club I’m dropping money like I actually have it… which I don’t. Then when this bitch (sorry to every single lady who is reading this for that comment and all my other comments) rubs up against me and I drop a few more bills till the bills runs out. She leave and  I sit there and put my head between my hands and said softly… Rick… what are you doing to yourself. What is going on in your head?

Well that, as it turns out, was just the beginning. My anger started to build. My poor judgement followed. All I want to do is go back to the strip club. No I didn’t drink. I had a red bull and then a diet coke. Makes no difference. I was compulsive and obsessive and out of control and at that moment in time if someone put a line in front of me I would have done it in a heartbeat. Trouble is, even with 7 months clean and all the potentially great things that is going on in my life, I am still having issues. I just feel like punching the shit out of someone and that someone is me.