I went to a meeting tonight and boy was I impressed on how many people went to it! There was so many people that I didn’t get a chance to share but I want to so I thought I would share with my fellow readers what’s happening in my life. I am being blunt because I want everyone to know that recovery does not equal good things in your life suddenly happening.
First, Today I got something basic in my head about NA and the steps. Yah, it took me a while to figure this out even though it was clear from the start. NA says that this is a disease. What I didn’t get was that how could doing drugs be a disease. Makes no sense. That is not what NA was talking about.
The disease is the brain malfunction of Obsession and Compulsion. I always knew I had that…. at and one time I even was diagnosed with OCD but I can now understand this. The drugs is just a symptom of the disease! So is other addictions like internet porn, working myself to death, doing everything overboard. I have to deal with the Obsession and Compulsion but to do it, I cannot pollute my brain with drugs.
Also, I picked up that this is a like a cold that never will go away. You learn to deal with it. The main thing is just because your nose isn’t running at the time does not mean you are infected and if you hang around others who keep sneezing on you, you will never feel better. Here is the trick, other people who have colds too can offer support because no doctor can help, and only people suffering from this knows what works. It took me a while but now I get it. Yes, I am an addict. I am compulsive and obsessive and I have no control over it at all.
So onto my issues in my life.
Well it looks like my job is over. On Tuesday the two owners of the company are going to split and the end result is everyone is out of a job. One owner says he and I will still work together but I think he is in denial right now. So I am looking for a job.
My health sucks right now. Having a hard time with a chest infection. My addict mind keeps telling me that this is what is going to kill me. Insanity at it’s best.
I’m broke and I mean I don’t think I will make it in a couple weeks. Family is basically out of the picture. Since there is no job, there will be no money. Applied at a company for a job but the interviewer didn’t like me. I can tell.
With the loss of a job so will the loss of a cell phone. No cell phone, no one to call for help.
Also I won’t be able to keep my P.O. Box and rent is due right now on it. No where to forward my mail.
My sister is about to lose her main source of income and she is no longer a safety net for me. No-one I know can help.
I hired that addict. He did one post and stopped. I am now going to have to tell him he lost his new job and hopefully he won’t continue to use till it kills him.
My car is showing signs the brakes are going out. No cash to fix them and because I live in the boonies, there is no business to walk to get a job and the economy is horrible out here so no chance to get a job within walking distance.
My sponsor is not connecting with me as much as I need him to connect with me and it’s my fault for not calling him.
Yah, I have some serious issues and the fact is… I’m in a GREAT mood and have no desire to use at all. The big reason is simple… I trust my Higher Power more than I trust myself. Turning this over to him has given me serenity and I know I will be taken care of completely. Now I could be an idiot and really lost my mind OR maybe, just maybe, I am working my 3rd step in reality.
If I was a person with money and in a position to bet, I would place my money on me being an idiot but believing in all this gives me peace today. Tomorrow I’ll worry. I’m an idiot.
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October 27th, 2008 at 12:27 am
Hi Rick, I don’t know how exactly it is i’ve landed on your website but its a good thing i suppose. I was just laying in my bed just now and could’t sleep when something told me to get up and go surf for abit, my first google search was “4 months clean” and i arrived here by some divine intervention or something. I typed it without thinking really, i guess subcounciously i wanted to find something to relate to.
I’m a cocaine addict, and i’ve been clean for 4 months today, I want to tell you i hear you man, what you say makes alot of sense. Also i’d like to show maybe another side to things. I think you’re on the right track when you talk about the disease, from what i’ve learned that’s one of the keys to recovery: accepting that disease and never fooling yourself in thinking that you’re cured completly and can go back to using casualy or compulsing into any other activity without facing imminent relapse.
My life is also a mess, i’m in “rehab” right now… if you can call it that. I was basically conned into thinking i was gonna get help here but turns out I ended up in some kind of scam, the place is basically an old Motel remodeled for crackheads, 3/4 of the residents are using including the “staff” but i least i have some comfort here pretty nice having a room to myself for free and alot of other perks. Anyways i’ll deal with my own rationalizations at another time. The only reason i’ve managed to stay clean in here is because i learned some very good tools in a hardcore rehab a few years back and i’m putting them to use here.
I’m getting carried away now…
Basically what i wanted to tell you is this: Although you sound like a down to earth dude, I think you are looking too much on the bad side of things, you need to get things off you chest don’t get me wrong I don’t blame you, but that negative way of thinking is dangerous for addict minds like us. When i was reading your issues list:P i could’t help it notice some positive in every line… I’d like to show you what I mean.
-Well it looks like my job is over. On Tuesday the two owners of the company are going to split and the end result is everyone is out of a job. One owner says he and I will still work together but I think he is in denial right now. So I am looking for a job.-
- Whats wrong with that? you’re on the right track the fact that you are looking means that you are fit to work and most likely have some sort of qualification in some area or another. Keep looking we addicts have a tendency to give up right when we’re on the verge of something great.-
My health sucks right now. Having a hard time with a chest infection. My addict mind keeps telling me that this is what is going to kill me. Insanity at it’s best.
-I hear you on that one i’m still smoking tabacco and all i can afford is the cheap indian kind which hurts so much makes me want to rip out my lungs every morning, there’s something to focus on… quitting smoking. I’m doing the best i can going to them gym 5 times a week to get back into shape, and i’m thankful everyday that it’s not worse. With HEP C and AIDS and all the other shit out there that’ll kill ya and thats closely tied with using you should be thankful too, unless you are infected with something in which case I apologize.
I’m broke and I mean I don’t think I will make it in a couple weeks. Family is basically out of the picture. Since there is no job, there will be no money. Applied at a company for a job but the interviewer didn’t like me. I can tell.
- Money comes, money goes, and it dosen’t solve anything. If you got food for the day and a room to sleep under, you’re spoiled, half the planet would kill to have what we have. Besides the more money you have the more useless mind poisoning juck you are going to want. Focus on what you really need to advance spiritualy. And hell, at least you still got some family.
With the loss of a job so will the loss of a cell phone. No cell phone, no one to call for help.
If theres one thing in this world there is too much of,its phones. you can always get a home line or something or arrange something with a phone somewhere. You got the net? get skype or something.There’s always help out there if you’re really searching. I mean what would you have done 20 years ago? Unless you’re in the streets, sorry if u are, theres always a way to get a phoneline somewhere.
Also I won’t be able to keep my P.O. Box and rent is due right now on it. No where to forward my mail.
-Don’t know about that one.., don’t you have a single friend or family member that can receive you’re mail?
My sister is about to lose her main source of income and she is no longer a safety net for me. No-one I know can help.
- A sister to talk to is a good thing, safety net or not. keep at it and don’t lose heart you’ll be HER safety net in no time. Not only us addicts need help remember that.
I hired that addict. He did one post and stopped. I am now going to have to tell him he lost his new job and hopefully he won’t continue to use till it kills him.
- You got your own recovery to worry about, sorry to sound harsh but the way i see things now. I wasen’t deserving of pity when i was using, neither is he. Fight your own battles, fighting someone else’s addiction is futile you should know that.
My car is showing signs the brakes are going out. No cash to fix them and because I live in the boonies, there is no business to walk to get a job and the economy is horrible out here so no chance to get a job within walking distance.
- I’m in the boonies too… Car, whish i had one, probably wouldt do me any good anyways because my eyes are fucked and i can’t drive at night. don’t need one for now anyway, when i feel a little stronger i’ll move somewhere where there is public transportation. What can i say? Make the best of it, run it into the dirt till it breaks on you:P
My sponsor is not connecting with me as much as I need him to connect with me and it’s my fault for not calling him.
- Bad, I know how u feel my best friend here in rehab just relapsed a week ago… he had six months clean, and now hes lying to me and i fell very alone. But what i can i do, i’ve got my own problems, i’m just gonna have to make new relations. I’m sure God will put someone on my path when i need it.
Yah, I have some serious issues and the fact is… I’m in a GREAT mood and have no desire to use at all. The big reason is simple… I trust my Higher Power more than I trust myself. Turning this over to him has given me serenity and I know I will be taken care of completely. Now I could be an idiot and really lost my mind OR maybe, just maybe, I am working my 3rd step in reality.
-
Only time will tell, must people who don’t use are idiots anyways and will never realize it. If you are an idiot and are aware of it, thats the kind of brutal self-honesty that will lead you to the right path of recovery. And if you aren’t,(as i suspect) well you’re just having trouble adjusting to this society… but in reality
- Being well adjusted to a sick society is no measure of true health -
If I was a person with money and in a position to bet, I would place my money on me being an idiot but believing in all this gives me peace today. Tomorrow I’ll worry. I’m an idiot.
- Never bet against yourself, its the surest way to failure. All inner peace is derived from some sort of self delusion, all thats important is that you don’t use today, tomorow dosen’t matter yet.
One last thing, you are right: “recovery does not equal good things in your life suddenly happening.”
But don’t forget this: “Relapse is one GUARANTEED way of making terrible things in your life suddenly happening.”
Keep up the fight man you’re worth it and you’re not alone.
October 27th, 2008 at 3:15 am
A good honest post as usual and quite insightful too.
Reading your blog it is obvious to me as an outsider how far you have come and I hope that it is just as clear to you.
Things sound really tough at the moment and maybe they might even get tougher. But I like your attitude and hope that you can learn to be easier on yourself because we all make mistakes but it’s what we do with them that counts.
Take care, never lose hope and keep blogging.