I’m in a dangerous place, Clean time 9 mths, 6 days
I ’m Rick and I’m an addict
In all of my recovery I have never been more closer to using than I am right now. I know I am in trouble and I am very close to losing it all. I know I should call my sponsor but he is at work and is usually on voice mail because he is busy this time of the day. Probably should go to a meeting but I don’t want to hear about people whining about their lives (in all fairness it’s not like that all the time). I don’t want to call someone in NA because they actually might help.
I didn’t know this part about recovery and now that I know, I am not too happy about it. See, recovery gives you a clear sense of what is right and what is wrong. Maybe I should rephrase that. Recovery gives you a NEW sense of what is right and wrong. What was right when you are using is now clearly wrong when you are not. You have to learn how to think and live in todays world and no matter how old you are when you started recovery, it is just like learning about how to be an adult when you are a teenager.
I have found that when I feel I am taking advantage of people or I am lying, I get a sick feeling inside me now. I never had that before. I used to be able to con people. If I do that now I can’t even rest in a chair thinking about it. I go to bed with guilt. I wake up wanting to use.
I have spoken to my mother, sister, sponsor, friends and so on and everyone thinks I am making the right decisions. They think I am acting correctly. Yah, maybe but am I telling them what they want to hear to make SURE that they say I am doing things right or am I telling the whole truth? I think I’m a back stabbing jerk who has a problem hurting people he likes EVEN if they hurt him by situations SOMEWHAT out of their control. I am finding I am forgiving more and willing to bend more for others but at the same time I should also be good to them no matter what happens to me.
Do onto others as you would like done to you. Right? I seem to have re-written that line to read in my head…. Do onto others anyway you want, not in regard to their feelings or even ethics or morals, and they should always do you right. No, it’s doesn’t make sense.
I am in the middle or trying to work some very scary business deals. Probability of failure is about 75%. I have turned this whole matter over to my higher power and I know it will be done as it is suppose to be but my self will seems to be getting very confused with what I think is the will of my Higher Power. I know that it cannot be my Higher Powers will when I do things against people whom I like to get what I want. Why should my Higher Power make it work out for me? I don’t seem to be able to stop that stuff no matter how bad I feel about doing it.
See all I know is that if I had a big fat rail in front of me, I would not have any problems in the world. I would not care who I hurt. Funny how drugs gives you all the balls in the world. Being clean doesn’t make you a pussy but it does take away the false sense of greatness and power. I hate it because I know all it will take is just to say yes to something small. Like have a little drink or something. Maybe just pop a pill to chill me out. My clean time will be gone… oh well it’s overrated anyway…. and then I can just have a drink. Then with drinking again, I can just do a few more pills…. it’s not going to stop is it?
At times, I hate recovery. At times. I really don’t like being clean. I think it’s because I haven’t yet found out why I should be loved when I do things that cause people not to love me, and there is no consequences I should suffer no matter what spineless weak ass crap I do. Who the hell loves a vermin? More important is that maybe I am not convinced just yet that life without drugs and booze is better. Times like these don’t really prove that out.
Of course, maybe it’s because I’m an addict. That’s what my sponsor said one time. Who knows.
