Hate the feeling of not being able to stop. Clean 313 days
I ’m Rick and I’m an addict.
Boy do I hate the feeling of being an addict and the times when I feel out of control. Had this moment yesterday and I want to talk about it. It reminds me of my drug use and solidifies my belief that I am an addict.
I have been under a lot of stress recently. Dealing with my taxes. My sister and I have been fighting. Job is getting to me. Wanting to move to California move than ever (probably will do it in June). Just a lot of little things that is getting to me.
Last night when I was at home, I was not hungry at all but my mind said I needed to eat something. I tried to resist. When I went to get some gas this truck stop I get gas at has a whole bunch of very fattening things now on display. This is a very nice truck stop and more like a little grocery store. I struggled to avoid buying a butt load of stuff and settled on something small. I was somewhat proud of myself so I thought that I only purchased a little thing.
In my car, on the last mile to home I ate this thing. Every bite tasted bad and every bite was hurting me because I wanted to stop, but I could not. I really mean I could not do it. It tasted bad and I knew that sugar in me was going to make me feel sick but I had to do it. I felt horrible and really upset that I could not find it in my heart to stop.
When I got home, now feeling like I did, I remembered that I had some more garbage in my house that was bad for me. I sat there watching TV but in my head I kept thinking about how much I wanted to eat this stuff. I was full but the thoughts kept going on and on. I eventually got so mad that the thoughts would not go away I got up, got the stuff and ate it. Each bite made me so sad. I didn’t even want to eat this stuff but I couldn’t stop.
All I could think of when I was done was that I didn’t use drugs but in my head, I still allowed my addiction to control me yet again in another aspect of my life. I felt dirty and I felt that maybe I was back at ground zero on my clean time. I didn’t use drugs but I did use something that made me feel totally out of control, was against my wishes to do and hurt me.
I am an addict. This is how it is. It does not need to be about drugs. It could be food, work, sex, relationships, conversations, gambling, and so much more. I feel so weak and humbled by this and although I feel good I have not used drugs, I feel that it just does not take much for me to lose it to that as well. I know I need to use the 12 steps to solve this issue but food is funny. You can just stop taking drugs and detox and still live but you can’t just stop eating and live.
Maybe it’s not about eating as it is about obsessive compulsive issues that pop up in my life. This is why I need NA because I just can’t do this by myself and worse, I have no idea how to stop. If I did, I would be back on my diet and in much better control of my life. I also hate the thought that I will always be like this and will always go through this stuff.
There has got to be an end. Just don’t know how and when.
