.... addicts trying to recover and their supporting friends

First Step

We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

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Permalink Reply by Rick on August 18, 2009 at 11:54am: I think the hardest part of step one is the admission that we have this problem. It is so easy to simply say that we are dealing with the problems of our using and when these issues go away and things get somewhat back to normal then I can go back to easy stuff...maybe not the hard stuff I was using. Surrendering also means that I will need to deal with this for the rest of my life. This would be easier if I lost a limb because then I would just have to deal with it and everyone would know but being an addict also means no-one has to know and that also means I can deny it pretty easy and no one will call me on it.

The other part is that I get bored pretty easy and am motivated by either the desire for pleasure or mental pain and fear. Doing something for a while because of the fear is easy but doing something, like meetings when it is not is another issue all together. So this means I have to make the process fun and something that changes all the time to keep it interesting. I didn't seek recovery to lead a boring "vanilla" life. I will not recover like a wimp either. I want to enjoy life.

I am more than willing to surrender the things that cause me pain but not to only get boring as a result. This is a choice. Stopping using only exposed the addiction. Now I seek a life of exciting recovery.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Alicia Smith on September 7, 2009 at 5:34am: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable."

pssst----->if you will notice between the two statements there's no dot...there's no comma...there's no ellipsis there are instead two lines which grammatically means equal. Consequence, both situations came together being powerless and having an unmanageable life.

It Does NOT say our lives were unmanageable because of alcohol or crack cocaine or whatever drug you use... just wanted to slide that in there...o.k.???

The first part of Step 1...admitting we were powerless over alcohol or crack or meth or smack ( insert drug of choice here) notes our arrival at the discovery that ONE IS TO MANY AND A THOUSAND IS NOT ENOUGH. I CANNOT SAFELY DRINK ANY ALCOHOL--- I CANNOT SMOKE ANY AMOUNT OF CRACK COCAINE...I can't handle the crap...it kicks my butt up and down the street and around the block every time. NO ALCOHOL FOR ME......NO CRACK COCAINE FOR ME. I CAN'T TOUCH THE CRAP...

There's no such thing as 1 drink or 1 rock or one snort in my addict mind....One just gets me started on an endless nightmare. I get REAL stupid when I put booze or crack into my body. I can't touch the stuff...it defeated me... and It won!!! It brought me to my knees....It beat me up....it beat me into a state of reasonableness where I finally grasped and understood that if I drink one lousy drink or smoke one little piece of a rock all bets are off and sweet promises turn to lies...there's no telling what I will say or do or where I will wind up...So in essence....their effect on me has proven their worthiness as an adversary... An Adversary that I don't won't to tangle with ever again because they took my soul...(( actually - I allowed those drugs to take my soul ))......I know their skill level and now I know my own. They win...every fooking time!!!! That's not even questionable or debatable to me anymore.

The loneliness, the emptiness, the uselessness, the shame, the self-disgust, the inner conflict and turmoil, the mental PAIN and anguish that I inflicted on myself...were what crack and alcohol finally gave me and that's what finally brought me to my knees. I hated myself, I hated what I had become and could not even
stand to look at myself in the mirror...I had ZERO self worth, didn't give a rat's ass about anything other than crack and booze. I was pure low life filth. Booze and crack literally whipped my ass.

I tried repeatedly to control my booze intake or crack smoking and it never EVER EVER fooking worked
I tried for years to figure out how to drink safely, how to stay out of trouble, how to NOT get stumbling, falling-down, puking and passing out drunk each and every time I took a drink.

I tried for years to control my crack habit...only gonna buy 50.00 dollars worth. That's all - no more...
in a matter of hours my paycheck was gone...and I'd be borrowing money, begging money, scamming money, or stealing something to trade, pawn or barter with....

The only control that goes down with booze and crack is the CONTROL that it has over me...because I
can't control it. It grabs me by the throat and has it's way with ME. REPEAT...CAN NOT DRINK BOOZE...CAN NOT SMOKE CRACK.

Powerless...you bet your Butt...I'm powerless over booze and crack...It was at the VERY END of my incredible disgusting useless life as a drunk crackhead that I grasped the meaning of the word. POWERLESS!!!!!

I conceded to my deepest inner most self that I had been utterly defeated by the bottle and by crack cocaine and my life was definitely unmanageable. I knew I couldn't live my life that way for one more minute....Even though I had always abhorred the idea of giving up...I knew there was no other way for me.

I had to...I had no other choice. Other than to drink myself to death because I had already tried to O.D. on crack cocaine by taking hits that could stop a full grown charging elephant in it's tracks...and I wouldn't die...there were SO MANY times that I would score crack and I would ask God to let this be my
last hit...to just take me out of this world...Please just let me die because I didn't want to live anymore....

So...(deep breath) what I have come to realize since I have been sponsoring women in the program is their is a big difference between admitting you are powerless and accepting you are powerless....some may think this is trivial....BUT If the newcomer **admits** he/she is an alcoholic or addict it does not necessarily mean they have accepted it....This is where I personally think they do not understand the word POWERLESS....

A newcomer who might be "admitting" to being an *alcoholic* or ^addict^ might, in his/her mind merely be
admitting to having a problem he/she doesn't understand and can't solve and might not yet grasp the concept that *alcoholic* means "CANNOT SAFELY DRINK ANY ALCOHOL." NONE. Not A FOOKING DROP...the party is over...you can't successfully drink..

Same thing goes for a crack addict...You can not SMOKE ONE ROCK...You can't TOUCH THE CRAP.
It's gonna kick you butt!!! CAN NOT SMOKE CRACK COCAINE!!!!! You have no POWER over it once
you smoke that first hit.

This would explain why someone - I - for example - would spend years continuing to drink and smoke crack after having been exposed to AA and having attended meetings and admitting to being an alcoholic/addict...I had no trouble admitting I was an alcoholic. I knew for a long time before I went to my first AA meeting that I was a drunk. So I did "admit" it at my first meeting. But I was still struggling. And I struggled for many, many years...Somewhere along the way I was sitting in a meeting...and someone made a comment to another person along the lines of well maybe you haven't accepted your alcoholism or addiction.....and apparently you don't what the word powerless means. And I thought to myself ** well that's just fooking stupid**
What the fook are you talking about???? Admit...Accept..isn't that kinda the same thing....I didn't say
that out loud but I was thinking that!!!!

Well Butter my butt and call me a biscuit...NO!!! it's not the same. 2 completely different things....

It wasn't until Alcohol and crack destroyed me and drug me to a low bottom...that I FINALLY understood what the words ADMIT and ACCEPT and POWERLESS....truly meant!!!!

For me...I burnt every bridge I had, used up every person I knew...I conned, lied, stole, cheated, begged, borrowed and crapped on people left and right...I simply used everyone I came in contact with until they were all used up...I traded, pawned, and sold everything I had...I did so many unthinkable and ruthless things - just down right rotten to the core things just to get another hit or a drink..

Powerlessness over the power of alcohol and crack cocaine is what brought me to AA and NA.
If I wasn't powerless, I'd have fixed the problem on my own....

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Permalink Reply by Rick on September 7, 2009 at 8:00am: Alicia - that was incredible. Your sponsees are very fortunate to have someone with the depth of understanding of the 1st step as you go over it with them. Incredible share.

I have suggested to my sponsees to get on board on this and share as well. If they just would read what you wrote, it could save their lives.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by rakesh pande on October 24, 2009 at 12:41pm: thanx u know its easy for me now as i am doing step 1 in india we hardly hear ppl share abt steps !; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Rick on October 24, 2009 at 12:53pm: The great thing is the what the first step does to your life. It is so hard to make the admission that your life is unmanageable and that you are an addict but it is one of the greatest steps you can take. Why? Because there is a difference between a person who is a user that had consequences and a person who would use even with non-stop consequences. One can stop. The other not only goes on but also has other areas of their life effected.

Once you decide which you are, then you can do something about it. Until that time, you will just be in walking and living in circles.

I remember when I first decided. It was not easy. Even after having to write down for a doctor all the drugs I was taking, which took up 2 pages of paper, I still could not admit what I even wrote! "Everyone does it" was my mentality. I just messed up my life more than others. It wasn't until I came to terms with the fact that I think different from other people on so many issues and I felt they were wrong and I was right... all the time did I START the process of the first step. After all... if I was so right then why was my life in a wreck?

When I finally admitted that I had this disease, I realized that maybe some of the things I did wrong or thought wrong was because I have a mental issue. I hated how that sounded. I didn't want to be a nut job. Then it hit me... just because I had a mental issue did NOT mean I was a bad person... just something is wrong with me. Then I had to think about what WAS my mental issue and the more I read the basic text the more I said to myself "this sounds like they are writing this all about me!". It was clear. I had a mental and spiritual disease called Addiction. I could start rebuilding my life. It just meant there was a set of new rules for me. The second step started the path to understanding the new rules to keep me acting and thinking normal.

You are WELCOME to share about your steps here. This is a safe place. We are friends. Welcome.

rakesh pande said:
thanx u know its easy for me now as i am doing step 1 in india we hardly hear ppl share abt steps !; ▶ Reply to This