So it’s Thanksgiving Day tomorrow and there is so much to be thankful for. Most of the time I do not show my gratitude for anything so maybe I need to fix that. Here is what I am grateful for this year:

1) I’m clean. Yah that’s kind of boring but still.

2) I tackled some of my biggest fears with courage.

3) The business I founded is taking off fast.

4) Ham.

5) Remote controlled cars

6) That I am not dead

7) That I got a better understanding of death now and I’m not so afraid of it.

Family Guy.

9) The program and the people in it.

10) Deviled eggs

11) Iphones

12) Not having to make another car payment

13) Much better porn this year.

14) Everyone who gave me a hug that FELT like a hug, not one of those freaking “handshake hugs”

15) My new office

16) Getting past massive problems and conflicts with people I care about and ending up STILL loving them.

17) Puppies.

18) Finally having the balls to say to peoples faces what I used to say behind their backs.

19) Play-Doh. Man I love that smell.

20) My pain being lessened and my joy increasing.

21) Working the steps and actually making progress on them.

22) Finally addressing my IRS issues after all these years and knowing that no matter what all will be okay because of working step 3

23) Making amends

24) Being able to sit in an airplane seat

25) Having incredible sponsees who really make me happy

26) Having a more open mind.

27) Reconnecting with my buddy Gary and reconstructing our friendship. Damn I love that dude. He is my best friend of all time.

28) Having friends such as the people in my life locally that are very special to me.

29) Sad songs (because they make me cry and when they do I feel cleansed)

30) Neurontin. Because if it wasn’t for this drug I would be in agony 24/7

There is so much more I am grateful for… so this list is not exact but I think as long as I am grateful and recognize this as part of my personality I will actually find more things naturally. The benefit of gratitude is appreciation and recognition of my own existence and my place in this world by concious acknowledgement of what makes me human and promotes life and joy. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

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So the other day I told my sponsor that I started drinking on occasion.  He thinks I am insane… which I might be.  He told me that I’m not in the program and that if I come back I should find another sponsor.  That he didn’t do me right.  I don’t think I can swallow that, I didn’t do myself right.  My actions are not related to his words.  Now I will say that under the influence I did some things that I’m not proud of, but at the same time they weren’t disastrous to my life… Okay very close especially if I took it a few steps further, but I stepped back.  I also did a little sneaking around not to get drunk, but more to vent about some shit that was really pissing me off.  One thing lead to another and we ended up getting a little over our heads.  Twice this happened but on separate occasions.  I tried to explain my actions to one of the people I had harmed but it didn’t go over very well.  Then I think at the same time people do crazy shit all the time when they are clean so did this happen because of a few beers?  Did my spiritual principles go out the window?  Alas now I am sitting here debating on how these few drinks have affected these past few months.  I have more confidence; I am willing to stand up for what is clearly right.  I know that I have more abilities than am given credit for and am more than ready to fight for it. But at the same time I look at what I lost.  I have no sponsor, that one person I thought friendship would last with.  He said the relationship wouldn’t change, but it clearly has.  It’s obvious to me.  I also feel alone, well I felt alone in the program, but now even more so.  I have no one to vent to… no one to share my thoughts with.  I try to talk to him and more often than not I get this vibe of negativity.   So was it all about the program?  I knew I harmed him in more than one way but apologies were made or attempted.  I don’t really miss the program but I do miss my friend.  Maybe it will just take time or maybe it’s over…

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today has been the hardest day for me to stay sober since i got sober almost 16 months ago. today it took everything in me and everything outside of me to keep me from saying fuck it. today i wanted to run away and never look back. today i almost didnt care. today it almost didnt matter that im looking at ten years of prison if i fuck this up. today was almost the day i lost it. my back hurts worse than it has ever hurt. i have scoliosis and blah blah blah and legit issues ok but last night it felt like i was having fuck back labor. if i didnt know any better id think i was about to pop out the fourth in my litter. i cried walkin thru the hallway and no one has any sympathy for someone whose fucked up as much as i have. for someone whos drug of choice was pain pills, any complaint of pain is just dope seeking behavior…so, i cried and i tried to sleep and i kept waking up and all i knew to do was pray. over this last week the whole mustard seed thing has been brought to me from several different people, in different ways, and its been stuck in my head. so i prayed…. god and i spent alot of prison religion time together but i often forget Him during my daily routine .so id wake up and id just pray. because i had work today and i didnt know how i was gonna make it. so i held onto that damn mustard seed and this morning, i could move a little better. ok so u dont need 8 pages of my complaints…but i had many many things to do today…so i went to see my counselor for a monthly one on one thing and i got there a little early so i went in to the front desk lady, whom i love, and i asked her to pray with me and she held me and prayed and i cried and i left and every fucking step hurt and i just kept thanking god that i could walk. i went to my dumbass one on one thats really not so dumbass but today everything is dumbass, and then im hobblin the 4 or 5 blocks to the transit center cuz i gotta catch the bus to work, in that neighborhood white girls with big asses are a hot commodity so i had 4 guys pull over offerin to give my gimpy ass a ride. mmhmmm a ride. hey guys, just cuz a chick is hobblin down the street she is not a crackhead prostitute. so anyways i call my sponsor and im tellin her that im ready to say fuck it. that one pain pill would make this all go away! and shes tellin me im an idiot and she loves me. and sometimes thats what a girl needs to hear. and i call my stephie d and im tellin her the same things and shes tellin me shell kick my ass, and im tellin her about the guys who are trying to pick me up from the bus stop. and theyre offering me drugs…and i just keep calling people because thats what they tell me to do, and i dont fucking get high. but i still want to. so ive got a couple hours to kill before work and i decide to go to a damn meeting because its somewhere to fucking be and thats what they tell me to do. and i dont get high. and i love that shitty ass place and that stinkin dog and those fuckin weirdos, i really do, because i belong there, and i still feel i belong nowhere…and i still want what they have. so then theres lunch with anthony which was in his own words “the worst part of his day” even though i didnt do anything but not respond to a text message quickly enough because i turn my phone off during the meeting. so my response was “whatever” because i dont have it in me to fight today…and then… then i really really want to get high….so work. my stupid fucking job that im so determined to keep and i dont even really know why im so determined to keep. its so fucking dirty and so fucking strenous and so fucking hard, and yes i love my damn dogs there and yes my boss is pretty cool most of the time but why am i killing myself to keep this fucking job. you cant not not be able to walk and do what i do. you have to bend and i use to go out of my way to not bend… SO why cant i just walk out. why cant i just fucking call in. since when do i give a shit about stuff like this. this is too hard some days. i dont have to keep this job, and yet i cant quit. i need to prove to myself that im a normal girl and i can hold a job and i can get thru it. so i work, and lo and behold theres some doggie pain medicine hanging out that i have stolen a few times from vet clinics…just sitting there. and i cry. and i thank god that i dont have to fucking take it. and i want to so bad, and no one would know and its right there a whole bottle. and i cry some more and i take wolfie outside and i throw the stupid ball and i clean the stupid rooms and i keep walking past the stupid bottle and i am scared to touch it…i put a fucking feeding bowl over it and i thank god again. and im picturing a dumbass mustard seed and im wondering what the fuck does it grow into, and im coming up with inventive ways to clean cages that require less movement… and im wearing a stupid icy hot patch and i just make myself keep moving…and every step is like a fucking mile and i dont want to do it anymore. and i drink some stupid coffee and i take some stupid excedrin and i dont get high. and i get off work 87 hours later, and anthony is driving me home and every bump in the road is like a fucking stab to my sciatic nerve and im crying my eyes out and hes chooses to ignore me. and save your fuck anthony comments cuz had he done to me all that ive done to him, i wouldnt even know his name anymore, but still fuck im crying and i had had plans to go to the movies with my cousin tonight…and they fell thru, and i gotta tell you, that addict brain in me was saying well you could pretend thats where you were going, anthony doesnt know it fell thru, and you got paid yesterday jenn, just go get a few you have to work the next two days, just buy 3, 4, ok 6 and then youll get thru it, and im fucking crying some more and still hes ignoring me and i just want to be held. ok so i just want to be held by a loracet more than anything, and the fact that he can be so cold is fucking with my brain too and the devil is telling me to go for it…so i start texting people. cuz i need to talk but i cant talk cuz im crying. and i talk to my sister brookie whose been babysitting my badass little kids for 2 days, and i dont fucking get high. and i dont pretend to go to the movies and i dont call those numbers that are burned into my brain. i get in the tub and i cry some more. and i turn the water so hot it almost hurts, and now now im on the couch writing about all this dumbass shit because they say talking about shit honestly takes the stupid power out of it and brookie put my stupid icyhot patches on, and i took some more stupid excedrin and im holding on to those dumbass mustard seeds because theyre all i got. and i didnt get high today. but i want to.

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So I sat down and did a little stream of consciousness and this is what I came with…  Am i still sick?  Well I’ll let you be the judge of that.

Those trips

Those dips

The smoke

The toke

I miss your prick

I miss your nod

Feeling like God

And I miss you …

Years since I’ve been away

No longer shall we be astray

To return to those loving days

When I lived in your murky glaze

The haze shall return

As I’m feeling burned

Because I miss the smell

Of that spoon you churned

That distinct taste

When through my arms you raced

Into my head

As those fears I shed

My life was in its place

Everything was in its right place…

Did you relapse yet?  Don’t know if this is appropriate to post here but I figured I would give it a shot.  This is from the mind of a recovering addict with a few years under the belt.  Just another reason why they tell you to keep coming back!

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Hold cow! Things are crazy right now for me. Most of the stuff I can share here but I have to tell you it has been rapid fire problems. Not small ones either. I’ll give you an example… but not all of it.

So I got sued not to long ago for $50,000 from an ad I signed for at a company I used to work for. I signed on behalf of the company and at the time it seemed like a good idea. We’ll I left and they didn’t pay and so guess what… they came after me. I refused to pay it! They then sued me. I went to court to see if they can force me to pay for it and sure enough, they can. That alone cost $4500 and we are not even at the end of that story! So the lawyer (mine) wanted $2500 to try and settle it and if we couldn’t, then he would charge another $2500 to go to court to defend it. OMG.

Anyway (and I hope you are following me on this), we went back and forth at finally agreed that I would pay $20000. $2000 up front and $500 a month till it is paid. I figured I was being raped but I wanted this over and if they got the full $50K it would kill me.

So the DAY this is all over… the DAY… I get a call from my old tax lawyer. It turns out that IRS is auditing me for the last 6 years. Yes, my drugs years is part of that and of course, that is going to be a horror story all by itself. So I had to hire a lawyer, a CPA firm and the tax lawyer to deal with this and in the end, that alone will cost thousands of dollars.

In the meantime, I took on 2 new sponsees recently and I can tell you, independent of me, all of them are having a hard time. ALSO my sister is fighting with my other sister over control and appreciation and they want me to take a side and pounce on the other one. It’s ugly. In the meantime, my foot issue went from good to very bad and I am in very bad pain all the time. This happen to start when all the pressure of this other stuff happening so I think there is a connection.

Then, to put the freaking cherry on top, I am dealing with the “mother of all issues” in my company. I cannot disclose it but suffice to say the problem all by itself is enough to make me want to use but not just use.. kill people in the process. I am not going to lose my company but I think the problem is so bad that I may not be able to fix this and people will lose their jobs over this. At the same time, people are climbing in from everywhere right now asking me for a job.

I feel sick. I am weak. The meds are making me feel funny. Not high, but weird. I feel a little out of control. I need to sleep. I feel like I am in another planet.Everything is looking a little bleak right now. Worries are coming up but not fear as much.  I am a little confused right now, like I have been spun around real fast a lot and then let go.Normally I do not think I would have gotten through any of this right now and still stayed alert and mostly positive.

But here is the real weird part. I am still okay. I have never ever had so many bad things come down on me at one time but I am okay. What is happening to me. I am accepting what is happening. I am living in the moment. When things seem more than what I can handle I am asking for help. I am turning to experts. I am doing what they are saying. I am forgiving people when I should be shooting them dead. Something weird is going on with me. I wonder if this is what they call recovery. True recovery. The type where you live it privately and don’t preach about it. I am on another planet and I don’t know the name of this one.

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We’ll I better take this test because I need someone else to tell me I have some sort of problem so I can feel not responsible for all the crap I have done in my life. I am hoping to have someone explain away my past. How awesome is that? So here is the test… hope you score as well as I did!

1) Have you ever been accused of making sense? [Y] [N]

2) If you have a pet, does it have a weird name? [Y] [N]

3) Have you named one of your kids a weird name like Moonglow or Boing? [Y] [N]

4) Have you been high at work more than 10 times and do you recall those times with a smile? [Y] [N]

5) Is “snow” cold? [Y] [N]

6) Is “ice” cold?? [Y] [N]

7) Is “skiing” an event you do outside in the snow? [Y] [N]

8.) Does sex require being high in any way? [Y] [N]

9) Has someone said to you to try something that you had no clue what it was and you did it anyway? [Y] [N]

10) Where the best friends in your life the ones which you were most ashamed to introduce to your parents? [Y] [N]

11) Did you ever have to stop and ponder if you were too high for a hot tub? [Y] [N]

12) Did you ever use to make driving more fun? [Y] [N]

13) Have you ever pawned anything to make ends meet and by ends I mean food, rent and drugs but the drugs was required so that could not go but you would think maybe the food and rent could but you pawned anyway? [Y] [N]

14) Did #13 above make sense to you? [Y] [N]

15) Have you ever said this in anger to anyone.. “I was NOT sleeping” ? [Y] [N]

16) Can you think of at least 3 places you can hide drugs and never be seen? [Y] [N]

17) Is one of the ones from above a place right in front of those idiots noses? [Y] [N]

18) Have you ever felt  you were being watched by your neighbor to the point were you had to cover your windows all the time? [Y] [N]

19) If CSI crime labs combed your car right now, would you be worried? [Y] [N]

20) Do you know the price of pot?? [Y] [N]

Okay so I failed all those but I figure if you actually read them then you already know and just want someone to say you are as well. Got yah.

Anyone else have some good ones that was missing from this list? Post them in comments. Can’t wait to see what you say…

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Maybe you have heard this and maybe you are just a little tired of it too:

I’m Joe and I’m a filthy junkie and wino.

I have been coming to meetings for 3 weeks and I’m on my 7th step

I love NA. This program is awesome and is the best thing that every happened to me. It’s awesome I’m telling you. So incredible it changed my life, my friends life, my dogs life and my pet rocks life. Awesome awesome awesome. I think I may explode.

When I leave the rehab I know I will go back out and use.

All you need is God. I found Jesus and when that happened my life turned around and if it wasn’t for this program I wouldn’t find Jesus.

I have 12 years clean! (… and this is the first time you have ever seen this person)

Let me tell you how to work this step…

God grant me the courage to change my serenity, the wisdom to do the things I can and the acceptance to know the difference.

Just for today I will try to get a better spectrum on my life

Smoking Pot is not using so I still have my clean time.

… anonmimity or anomomity or anonomousity… or anomity

Does any of this sound familiar?

Now some people who have been around the rooms feel newcomers should sit down and shut up and listen. Others feel that newcomers, being the most important person at any meeting, should talk away.

I personally feel that new comers should share and say anything, no matter how crazy, at any time, to anyone for any reason. At the same time, it takes a lot of patience to listen to that stuff. When I first started coming around I am sure I sounded like an idiot and I can tell you right now, I STILL sound like an idiot.

The problem as I see it is that the newcomers are mixed with the “almost new comers” and those people are dangerous. New comers are usually just scared. Almost new comers are usually a bit pompous. “Been around a few days” addicts are now messed up but in a whole new way. “Dinosaur” addicts are usually very sweet people but you never see them much.

So you have to go from scared to crazy before you get to serene. Got it.

Oh yah… can anyone tell me whats WRONG with the lines new comers use? Grab a line above and tell me what’s wrong. Unless you are a new comer and then “everything is as it should be”

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First, yes I know I am going to piss off a bunch of people and if you think I care well you would be wrong. I had a discussion with someone the other day about relapses and shared my opinion and this person thought I was a bit radical. So here it is and if you don’t agree why not just comment on this point. I PROMISE I will not strike any comment, positive or negative but if there is a delay in posting that’s just my spam filter and you will see it once I approve it.

I do not have a defined perfect definition of a relapse. To me a relapse is where a person makes a single decision to use and then proceeds with multiple decisions to continue. They then use with the intention of getting high or altering their mental space.

CASE STUDY #1 – the case of the drama junkie

Presented to me was this person who relapsed over and over. He has been in the program for about 15 years and never has been able to get more than a few years. The last time he used it was having a sip of booze. Then he felt bad and called someone. Then he drank a few more sips. Then he called someone again. Then he finally drank a lot and used some drugs. Why?  Because he has been taught two things… 1) That ANY amount of anything is a relapse even if it is a tiny bit and 2) If he does fail everyone will give him attention and love and support and over flowing hugs. Because he has a low self esteem he knows all he has to do is “press the recovery button” and here comes the love. He is not relapsing. He never got clean in the first place and my guess has not worked a step four correctly in his life. He is still using his drug of choice… people.

CASE STUDY #2 – the case of the pill popping pain person

Presented to me was this suffering addict who has a very bad long term back injury. Sometimes the pain gets so bad that he goes out of his mind. The relentless pain won’t let up at times and literally turns this normal happy person into a scared but frustrated addict. The other day he took a pain pill early because the pain started and it just would not stop. Because he took it crushed to get the the drug in him faster, he was told he relapsed. He knows there is little hope to get this pain to go away yet he also cannot live in total abstinence. He knows the program is clear about taking prescription medicine is okay as it is ordered. Yet he is told that at times he takes a little too much. He never takes more than what he thinks he needs to knock out the pain yet it is more than what the doctor ordered at times. He is in a loop of guilt imposed on him by members in the program yet he cannot shake the fact that he simply cannot live with constant pain just to say that he is clean.

This is not a relapse to me. Again the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is if they CAN help the person. Unless they have personal experience with the problem they need to butt the hell out. There are plenty of addicts who manage to live and stay clean with pain. If they can’t help then they need to help this person find someone in the program who can to the best of their ability.

In this case, going 10 miles over the speed limit is okay if you are rushing to the hospital… no matter what the sign on the road says. It’s not a ticket but you can bet there is some cop who wants to give you one.

CASE STUDY #3 – The “just in case it gets worse” addict

Headaches… we all get them. Fatigue happens to us all. Having 50 Vicodin in your drawer at home in case you need to use 1/2 of one or a full one is crazy thoughts. If you stockpile pills and you have no pain then you are pre-lapsing. You are just waiting for the trigger. Presented to me was this guy who had just such a stash and every now and then when he felt a little pain or a start of a headache he would take one. He protested over and over how he hated the effect and how it always gave him a headache when it was over. He explained that he is like a boy scout and always like to be prepared in case of disaster. My answer… take just one of those pills and you relapsed. His issue was he was never 50 feet away from his disease and he had nothing standing in between him and his impulses. He was right on the edge every moment and he was just looking for the trigger. If he uses… he relapsed.

CASE STUDY #4 – “But it was my cousins wedding”

Presented to me and several other people is the case of a lady who, at her cousins wedding, shared a toast of champagne. It was just a swig and nothing more. Not even more than a gulp. Her sponsor told her she relapsed. The next day she drank more. In a few days she was back out there. Did she relapse? In my book yes because she is still out there. When she first took the sip did she? Hell no. Sponsors words carry so much weight to sponsees that the very statement that she relapsed caused the relapse. It could be she has another addiction.. her sponsors words. She maybe incapable of her own judgements.

When I became a sponsor it was not because I got a PHD in recovery. There was no diploma. I did not get knighted to the “Royal Order of NA”… and neither did anyone else! So here is the deal… ask YOURSELF if you relapsed. Look at your habits. What is your intentions? What did you do after the “first one”? Are you still using? Don’t get one opinion get several and don’t look for people to co-sign on your crap either.

How we as a fellowship and sponsors handle relapse questions could KILL someone.

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Today is my birthday and if you dear readers will allow me, I would like to share some observations of recent. No they are not profound and you probably will not get much out of them but at times I like to think that I am very wise or profound and because this is my birthday I am going to justify my bad behavior with that.

1) You know why people look happier in pictures then they were at the time of the real event? Because we are told to smile. Something we have to be TOLD to do. I think that’s weird.

2) There are people who live every moment of their life in pain. Every single second. Something that has gone wrong with they nervous system and they are in constant pain at some part of their body. I know. I was just diagnosed with this. Its called CRPS. I didn’t know really how till I had to do it. The answer in case you want to know is that at some point the lower level pain impulses are tolerated as just there and live with it” stuff and the high end spikes is “stop everything you do and react” stuff.  The depression comes in as well as anger when it spikes.

3) Do you know that NA has a chatroom? Yup. It’s the NA chat room

4) Want to instantly be the big man on campus in the rooms? Go to the NA.org website and purchase a black keytag and a 25 year medallion. Now of course be smart. If you are 26 years old, try and get a date a little early.

5) Clean time getting you down? Hate to lie? (yah right) Okay so when did you start using? 12? 13? 15? You can say you were clean for those many years. Well it’s not lying. You can say “I was clean for 13 years, then I relapsed”. It’s not only dramatic… action packed with a back story… but the relapse could be when you were addicted to the epidural your mom had with the delivery.

6) Why does AA call their book the “big book” while NA calls it the “basic text”. Someone has an attitude if you ask me.

7) If the traditions are not negotiable then all the rest is because they didn’t say that. With that being said, if you want to liven up a meeting (in your head…) substitute a few words in the “how it works” and it will keep you laughing in your head the whole meeting. Example:

If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make banana bread, then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the ingredients that made our recovery tolerable.

1) We admitted that we were powerless over bananas, that our lives became unmanageable.

2) We came to believe that a power greater than prunes could restore us to regularity.

3) We made a decision to turn our recipes and our ovens over to the care of Betty Crocker as we understand her.

… and so on…

8.) Why do we sing “happy birthday to you” in front of a cake that is on fire? Doesn’t seem to really bring back the original event symbolically. Would it be more appropriate to push you through a small window tied to a rope while everyone screams on the top of their lungs? I think it would be closer to the mark.

9) This part needs to be changed.. “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using”. I think it should read “not stop” using. Think about it.

10) If you think you are going to get great wisdom out of every one with clean time look at their jobs. Now think again. I have seen people follow advice from a greens-keeper like lemmings off a cliff. Don’t give advice, share your story.

11) Want to stop using? Stop. Turn away. Walk away. Don’t hang out with the people who won’t let you do that or makes you feel bad if you did. Or not. Just don’t come crying to me if you simply will not do anything to stop.

12) Sex is NOT something owed to you. Your birthday does not make it a requirement. Unless of course you work in the porn industry and you don’t have the day off. Then just ignore this.

Have a great Labor Day weekend.

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I have learned so much about recovery yet I have so much more to learn. My grandfather told me that I needed to learn something new everyday. He was so right.

I spent 3 days this week with my sons at my ex-wife’s treatment center for “Family Week”. Being the addict that I am I thought I wouldn’t learn anything from the educational part of the program because I was sure I knew everything about the disease. Well I was wrong. The doctor in charge of the program is an Neurologist and recovering alcoholic with 30 years complete abstinence from all drugs. I knew addiction was a disease, but this was a hard concept for me to grasp in early recovery. It was good to hear the science behind this statement. Something is a disease if it can be genetically past on. He referenced many studies linking addiction to genetics. The genetic deficiency past on form one generation to the next is a variant form of the gene for the dopamine D2 receptor. Hopefully this helps someone understand that we have a disease and not a moral deficiency.

The second day we read a story, maybe it was more of a parable, about an person who is on a bridge with a rope tried around their waist. They asked someone who was on top of the bridge to hold the other end of the rope tightly. Once the rope was being held tightly they jumped off the bridge almost pulling the other person with them. The person holding the rope keeps asking the one who jumped to try to climb up the rope but they refuse. The person holding the rope is struggling to keep them from falling any farther, but they get to the point where they have to make a decision. If they keep holding the rope they will go down with the person who jumped, but if they let go they will feel responsible for the jumpers demise. Either decision they make will have haunt them forever. Eventually they are too tired to hold the rope any longer and decide to let go. The jumper falls into the river below and is taken downstream by the current. Eventually after struggling they make it to the bank of the river and they survive and realize they are strong enough to keep going.

In the story the addict was the jumper and the person holding the rope was a family member. Only by letting go of the rope were both persons able to go on and have a satisfying life.

We must love the suffering addict, but they are responsible for their own recovery. There is nothing we can do to get them to recover. It is a decision they must make for themselves.

The third day we were in a small group with 2 other families. We were all given an assignment to write a letter to our loved one who had still been suffering from active addiction until recently. My boys got to tell their mother the affect that her using had had on them and I got to do the same. It was an emotionally draining experience for us all. I’m hopeful that she will continue to work a program of recovery and that she will be able to be the person her Higher Power intended her to be.

I was reminded that when I am suffering I need to reach out for help. If I don’t ask I will not get what I need. No one can read my mind. This was maybe the most valuble lesson. This reminder came to me from another recovering addict when I was sharing my pain with him. Thanks Rick.

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