It’s so hard to see so many people losing it lately. It seems that everyone I know has their addiction in full swing. Relapses left and right. People in such pain. It’s hard to bear really. What I have grown to see is there is this ugly side to the program. I just don’t get it and I’m not trying to be a jerk about this either. Let me explain…

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First, I dont get all the people trying to pick up on other people in the program. It’s like a shark tank and someone thru in some chum. Someone is screwing someone or on the make. People playing people. Some innocents have no clue. I have even seen a couple guys go after other guy. What’s up with that? I have seen one guy come out who didn’t want to come out only because he was trying to fit in under pressure. That’s just not right. The majority of the people in the program is straight and the program says it doesn’t matter about your sexual identity but that still gives no-one… straight gay or otherwise the right to hit on people in the meetings. Period.
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Then there is the ones who relapse over something stupid. You know what? I go to meetings almost everyday and it’s the very same guys who don’t share, or if they do, don’t share whats really going on, and then show up late and leave early. It’s like having a bad job that somehow you have to do. I like showing up early and when i share, baby jaws are gonna drop! See what I have found is the dirty little secrets inside turn to cancer. That cancer grows and you take drugs to make it not hurt. Screw that. I’m telling on myself.
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I also like the one’s at the meetings who are everyone’s friends EXCEPT newcomers. Kills me. They just seem to forget what it’s like at first. Man that pain was so bad and I felt so alone and ugly. I just wanted to die. Yah, I’m not pretty. Yah, I’m not young. Yah, I’m not a snappy dresser or have a big bulge for people to stare at. My ass is fat. My hair is old and gray. I wear ugly glasses and I think I don’t have a chin. So there is no reason to hug me. Hug the cute ones. Talk to the guys who look like they are on the first string of a baseball team. Guess what people. I’M STILL CLEAN. Why? Because some people didn’t look with their eyes. They looked with their heart. They made miracles happen.
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You want a good 4th of July and you wanna do it clean? You wanna have a fourth of July to remember? Well do this… find a meeting and hug an ugly. Talk to a person who is falling asleep. Laugh with a person who’s head is down… not at the person. Make some fireworks in your life and set them off. I bet this one time, you will stay clean too. …. and turn off those damn cell phones in meetings… who the hell wants to see you text? <this last message was an extra because well I’m a little cranky today.
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I guess all I had to do is look hard enough to see that I have been sick for a long time. The longer I stay clean the more memories of evidence of my addiction comes up. Here is my recent jolts to reality
 

When I was a young I was walking down the street in busy Chicago on my way to school and thought it would be fun to walk a block with my pants off. Yes, it was a busy street. Yes it was light out. No, I was not wearing underwear. Why? Who the hell knows. Guess I wanted the rush of doing something bad so much I was willing to risk everything. No, I wasn’t thinking of that at the time.
 

When I created a yahoo profile I have not used in years I used a picture of vicodin as my avatar.
 

I had a cross on the wall in my room growing up and it has a sliding compartment for holy water and I ditched the holy water and stashed my cocaine in there.
 

A bad date was going out to somewhere with someone and just going home. A good date was getting high, getting my date high or drunk and manipulating everything. I wasted so many good times playing like I ruled the world.

 
I drove through the upper panhandle of Texas – the entire panhandle – naked, wasted and doing 80 MPH.
 

I would keep track of all the drugs I have not used to date, make a list, and try to get a hold of the ones I didn’t use yet.
 

I told this nun at my grammer school that I drew this picture, which I didn’t, just to get the rush of everyone in the class saying that I was an incredible artist, only to be asked to do all the posters for the rooms for Xmas. I couldn’t and had to ask my father to do it which he then beat the crap out of me, and made me pay a very high price later. If you read my blog you would know what the price was.
 

OHHHH I could go on and on… the evidence is all there. I just needed to look for it and the sad part is that at one point I actually questioned if I was an addict. Guess it took me a while for my brain to remember these things so there would be no question as to the answer I need. Recovery.

I think its befitting that on my 1 year, 1 month and 1 day I share with you my thoughts of the 1st step and what it means to me.

“We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.”

“WE”
Notice that the word is not “I”, rather we. This states that there is more than me. So many times I tried to convince myself that my problems are unique. Example would be that I am having legal problems right now and that this is unique. Like they built the courts, hired the judges and created a whole legal system just for me right? No, in our addiction as in life, no matter what we think, we are not alone.

It is also befitting that the first word in the steps is “we”. This implies fellowship rather than isolation and shame. Understanding the first step comes from the fact that no one person who seeks recovery is alone. We share with each other and draw our hope in the program and each other.

“ADMITTED”
An admission is the truthful stating of a fact that we believe. The opposite is lying and this is important because honesty is a spiritual principal of the first step. Admission of anything about ourselves is liberating because at that point we can start the process of recovery.

Admission also has one more spiritual principal with it. Willingness. When we admit something we are stating the not so obvious but absolutely truthful belief in something. This means we searched for the truth and int he process of our admission became willing to do something about it.

Lying has an ugly counterpart. Denial. We have lived so long denying the true nature of our lives and our disease. We denied that we harmed others and most of all harmed ourselves. We want to believe that we do not have this disease and that if we can just stop using drugs that our lives will be normal. But what is normal? We are still addicts and the drugs… well that is just an escape, and when we sober up, we still are addicts.

“WERE”
Notice that the word is NOT “are” but rather “were”. That’s past tense – not present. We were powerless but now, through NA, we can get a better perspective on our lives. We can live and enjoy life, maybe for the first time. We were powerless but we are not now. We have each other. We will learn about our Higher Power and we will have a program that builds our lives, not destroys it.

“POWERLESS”
This is not an act or weakness rather an act of strength. I cannot raise a mountain with my hands, do miracles no matter how much I think I can, or change the natural flow of life. I cannot save someone from doing bad things, cannot control the way people think, cannot stop a person from hurting me. Most importantly, because I admitted that I have a disease of addiction, that I have no miracle pill to take to get better. I cannot reason myself through getting better. I am an addict and I have the disease of addiction and all the bad press on this, all the social phobias, all the negative comments from loved ones, the courts, the counselors, even a loving cat or dog is not going to remove this from me. This is in me as is a part of me as much as my blood is a part of me.

In a way there is joy to be found from being powerless. Not the joy that comes from saying “since I am so powerless I can act anyway I want!” rather “since I am so powerless, I, of my own free will and with the best of intentions and desires, cannot remove the disease from my brain and must learn to adapt and find a new way of life”

This gives me great joy because it helps me cope with my past issues. I did not admit anything before and I really thought that is how people live. In misery and confusion. Homeless and destitute and only the “lucky ones” have million dollar jobs and homes.

I am not a failure. I am a recovering addict. The more I learn of my powerlessness, the cleaner my life gets and the more joy comes into it.

“LIVES HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE”
There is so much evidence of this in my life. Notice the way this sentence sounds… “had become”. It didn’t happen overnight because my disease was not a car accident that just “happened”. This means, it took years, not days for my disease to progress to the point where I could no longer hide my unmanageability from the world. Some people show me today (my legal issues from my past) how unmanageable my life had become.

The problem is clarity. Seeing my actions and my associations of the past as unmanageable acts. Seeing my escape from my issues with the use of any means possible, sex, drugs, gambling, drinking, excessive work, lying, manipulating and more was just the symptoms of addiction and that if I did not stop, the final act of unmanageability would have been death by my owns means.

Death has two forms. Physical death and spiritual death. We know about physical death but spiritual death is faster and more hidden. We can hide the emptiness inside and mask it so well. We cannot manage the part of our being that is dead inside. We can try to resurrect what was there and then build a life. How insane is it to try and manage an empty soul? We tried and found that we can build a life out of drugs and drinking. We also found that the beast we created requires non-stop feeding.

HOPE
When we admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.  Without a full understanding of this step, and how the disease effected and still effects our lives, we cannot recover. We no longer can lie about this. The evidence is clear. We can start the process now of creating a life worth living. There is great hope because we can see that others, thousands of people, have done it from places in their lives that was dark and lonely. If they can do it, so can we and most importantly SO CAN I.

“JUST FOR TODAY, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs”. 

Step one gives us freedom to start living life again as it was meant to be, not how we tried to make it to be. I am elated to live step one in my life because the miracle of the program is this means that no matter what, I do not have to use and now I have a way to LIVE!

I cannot believe I have made it this far. People like Immi always have been there and I am very honored for all the support.

For those of you who are new to recovery, keep trying. It is hard. I wanted to offer up to the newcomer what my life is like one year later, the good and the bad and what it was like at my one year anniversary. I don’t ever want to forget this time. I already shared with you what was going on in a couple posts before but I have not been totally honest.

One week before my one year, an old employer was trying to reach me because he was going to press charges for things he thinks I did when I worked for him. My left eye was blood red and I was in great pain. I went to the doctor who said that I may lose my vision. I al ready deaf in one ear and the hearing is not so hot in the other. I was scared beyond belief. Just when I thought it could not get worse I got a hemmoroid. In one day it blew up to the size of a walnut and burst. This was making me sick as well. My lawyer required every penny I had in savings and the prospect of being locked up looked very good. I was having dreams of relasping and even though I had a year clean I wanted to through it all away. Oh, also I had problems at work getting things done and since i am paid on results… that slowed to a crawl as well.

So let’s summarize shall we? In a matter of a week, I was going blind, almost deaf, bleeding out of my ass, in pain from sitting down, failing on the job, being attacked from my past, broke financially, and the futre looked like I was going to be locked up. Yah, I think I have it right.

I took a newcomer friend to my meeting and tried to keep a positive attitude because I know he needed to see that NA works right now. My head had trouble concentrating. At the meeting I was going to get my key tag for one year and my medallion. Some other loving and caring addict brought a cake and balloons for me and my sponsor gave me the medallion. It was wonderful and made me feel so special. Many addicts prayed over the medallion as it passed around the room and I cherish that now as my strenght and whenever I was feeling horrible getting over my issues, I would hold onto the coin hard as if I was trying to suck the positivity out of it.

My eyesight has gotten better but I will know in two weeks if indeed I will lose the vision in the eye. I have gotten paid since then so I have a few dollars now, but not much. The hemmoroid shrunk and stopped bleeding and now is much better but not gone. I am meeting with my attorney tomorrow to hopefully find out what will happen with my future. I am okay today. I am somewhat serene.

I can tell you this and I mean this with all my heart. If this happened one year ago I would have either killed myself, ran or drugged myself into death. NA saved me once again as it has over and over. I don’t know if YOU think it will work but it has worked for me.

I never thought I would say this… but I see a very small, very faint light at the end of this dark tunnel. Don’t know if that’s a train coming to run me over or the bright future I have to look forward to but either way, I am willing to go forward. I think, and I am not sure of this, that is called HOPE. That’s new to me.

5 1/2 hours and counting. Then I will have one year clean. I have been having a hard time lately and I wanted to let anyone know who is new to recovery to know that you do not have to use and I am going to explain to you why.. even if you want to use… and why you need to go to NA like right away.

As I said, life has been hard lately. I have been contacted by someone from my past who would like to cause me a great deal of harm. Not a little. A lot. This person was effected by my using and feels very strongly that I owe massive amends and whats more, if not amends, then simply to hurt me would be a good solution. This person is serious and will not stop. This person wants to have me in jail if they cannot hurt me personally. Bottom line, this is freaking me out.

From the moment of the contact recently I have felt scared. I do not want someone to feel that way about me and worse, act on those feelings. I feel like I have to look over my shoulder and each car that pulls up, my paranoid mind feels like they are coming to kill me. I cannot work correctly. I cannot eat correctly. I cannot function correctly. I am in the grip of amazing fear and the thoughts of losing what little I have left, including my life has me dead in my tracks. I cannot hide. I cannot run. I feel cornered in lifes cage waiting for this massive arm to pick me up and whack me.

All this stress has taken a physical toll on me as well. My blood pressure is extremely high, my eyesight is blurry and one eye is red, and I have other “male” issues going on as well. I keep thinking how even though I want to live (which is a new one for me if you read my past), I know death would be a relief.

So this is what a year does right? Fear? So what’s it all worth? To live in the hell of my mind and the torture I put myself through is actually much worse than what really happens but that makes no difference.

So here is what is different and why NA works for me. When this all started I called my sponsor because to be honest I was going to use. Like any addict, reality is way too hard and I want to escape to a mental place where I can accept everything. I saw a show on TV that shows that if you did Meth like me for years, it attacks the endophins and it could take 10 years for this problem to correct in my brain. This means that even under the best efforts of everyone in this world, I am not going to FEEL okay.

So I have to face a challedge… use and screw this period of time while my body heals itself or deal with all that life has to throw at me clean. The desire to simply pick up and get this pain gone is way beyond normal. A non-addict may not get this.

So I told my sponsor who did something extra-ordinary. He started the “protection program”. He asked me to come over and he went to meetings with me. He called another addict which I love more than drugs (yes it is possible) and the 3 of us hung out. Between the two of them, they saved my life that night. The next day my sponsor kept me safe. We went to meetings and we hung out and the same was true the next day. He even texted me to make sure I was okay.

The last 24 hours has been very scary for me. I have been almost paralized in fear and then free thinking back and forth to the point when I am physically tired. Then last night an addict and I sat outside a meeting and we spoke as it rained. This guy I respect so much and he seems to know what to say and how to say it. His ‘word bullets” was able to pierce my thick skull. He gave me peace for a while.

A little while ago another addict called me from his work. He just had a new baby and I cannot imagine how hard this must be for him right now but in the midst of this he called me. He just wanted to see if I was okay. I wasn’t at the time but hearing his voice was like suddenly I was hearing from my brother. Now understand, my own flesh and bones brother does not get along very well so saying that means he is like the brother I never had and reached out with love like one. He is another one of my heros.

See, I kept reaching out. Non-stop. I kept telling people I was in very bad trouble and look at all the people who reached out to see what they can do. I NEVER EVER had that when I was using. Ever.

So if you are new, you just have to keep going to meeting and at some point people will see you are serious about recovery and whats better they will want to hang with you and get to know you. Yes, I know it isn’t easy at first. You don’t feel very loved right now. But it will happen and you will have the love of this fellowship in time…  just give it time and don’t use.

I am still in a bad place for sure. Things still look bleak but I am grateful. It’s hard to use when so many people love you. Hell, I am surrounded by happy people… normal people… addicts and non addicts who seem to genuinely care about my life now. I guess it was easier to use when I thought no one did. I’m glad I stuck around long enough to find out what it feels like to have people who want you on this earth.

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Boy is that an understatement. I am an addict and my addiction is in full swing right now. I have been told that when you are coming up on a year clean, it is a very hard time but right now seems to be in crisis mode for me.

This trip has been real hard on me. I still have another week here and I cannot tell you how much I want to go home. As I type this from my hotel room, minutes before I head to a meeting, I just am falling apart. I have gained about 15 pounds since I have been here and that is no joke.  I am over eating to the point of me getting sick from it. It is causing me to feel real uncomfortable and hard to move around and worse, hard to sleep. The more i try and stop, the more I am compelled to eat.

I have to tell on myself right now. I have had thoughts of using and these thoughts are getting harder each day for me to resist. All the signs of a relapse are there. I am losing interest in going to meetings and I have been going to 4 a week. I am just not getting anything out of them lately. Also, all my friends are back home and although some people have reached out to me here I am distancing myself from them because I am going home in a week and don’t want to have to maintain a long distance friendship.

I am working twice as hard, twice as fast and using every tool I know to make things work. Work is going good because of it and I am now acting compulsive about work.

At night, I have been driving around parts of town I should not and although I have been not connecting with anyone, I feel it is a matter of opportunity. I already have plans to go to Vegas this weekend. I know that by going to Vegas I will have at least some time staying busy but if I don’t do that I know I will get myself in trouble.

I miss all my buddies back home. Guys you just have no idea what it means to see your face when you are down. One of my traits is not to tell anyone I am hurting or not safe but just hang with them and smile or just do small talk. It works, I don’t use and the desire goes away. Calling me on my cell doesn’t work for me although I like to hear from people I know, I hate talking on the phone. Hate it. I miss people I never thought I would miss. I have not been able to let my guard down this trip.

Knowing what I like to do, which is about every vice there is, I am starting to want to fall into my old patterns to somehow feel like I could get back on track on my life even if it’s the wrong track. Right now, I feel like I am derailed.

Does anyone know I am alive? Will it matter if I am gone? If I go back to using at least I won’t mind anything. Meth sounds real good right now. Real good. I wonder where I could get some out here?  I heard X makes you feel good. So what if I stopped going to meetings. I can handle it. I know that I cannot use successfully but what if I don’t want to be successful at it? Being a loser is much easier than working at being a winner. Winning takes work and I’m a slob at life and much more. So here is the plan….

I am going to go to this meeting tonight. Might be good. I’m gonna shut up at the meeting. This guy who I am meeting is a friend of my sponsor so I want to look good right now and he seems like a good guy too. So after the meeting, I am probably going to get something to eat with these guys and them late tonight I am going to come back to my room and then think. Probably will go for a little drive after.

Tomorrow I’ll wake up and head to Vegas. Do my thing and drive back that night. Who knows. I will see how bad I can screw up my life in 48 hours. Damn. I was so close.

Hey, Higher Power, I know it’s a holiday for you because you have this whole Easter gig, and people are taking a lot of your time right now with all this praying and stuff but if you have a moment, can you help me? I think I need it. My addiction is not on holiday and there is no celebration for me. I have lost whatever control I thought I had. My self respect for being this fat and out of control is at a very low point. I turned all this over to you but each day I am more out of control then the last and I can’t see how you are helping me at all. Maybe you are not right now because people are taking a lot of your time. But if you can just look this way you will see a guy who really doesn’t want to lose it but I just can’t stop this path right now and I have no idea how to slow it down. Thanks. It’s me, Rick by the way… a messed up complusive and weak addict.

Still in California and today my boss said I will be out here till the 17th. That means I will have been out here for 4 weeks. I need to get some thoughts out of my head because I know from history if I don’t I will get sick in my head.

When i first got out here I was so happy to finally have some alone time but now that I have it, I am very lonely. Although it is murder back in Chicago living at home and dealing with the lack of privacy, I find that being here all alone makes me feel very sad at times. Sure the people at the office are nice and I really like talking with them during the day but when the day is done and I am all alone with myself, I find that living in a hotel and being by myself is very uncomfortable.

I tried using this time to work on my 4th step and started working on the people I have resentments but I keep drawing a blank. I get a few people come to mind but then I hit a wall. Although I have time to go to a meeting I just don’t feel motivated. I went to 3 meetings last week but this week so far none. I have to say I like the meetings out here but I miss all my friends at the meetings back home a lot. I do have a NA friend here but he lives in San Diego a bit of a drive. I really like him a lot. He is fresh back in recovery. This guy is half my age but has the warmth and sensitivity of someone twice my age. I just know that at some point I will go back and he will still be here. I really like the time I spend with him. I guess no matter what I am all here by myself.

My computer started failing. All the USB ports are dead. I can only fix it when I get home so I have to live with a messed up computer, which I use all day long, for a couple weeks.

Something is wrong with my left eye. It’s red all the time and I use drops to make it white but i think something is happening with it. Again, help is weeks away.

Business is down and the pressure is up. I am here to see what I can do and I feel like the world is on my shoulders. I know that my family back home will probably be all over me for accepting to be out here for a few more weeks. I have to agree with them really.

I didn’t do my taxes yet and now I am going to be late because I have no access to what I need here. I was going to do this when I got back this weekend but now, it will be late. I am feeling I failed again.

All in all, I am not in the best place. I have to go to a meeting I think so I don’t isolate right now. I already am. I am not feeling like using but I am feeling a little bit uneasy. I am hoping to get business up so I can get my friend Jim here because not only will it be good for him, but I guess good for me too.

All in all, as I approach a year clean, I can now see how easy it is to lose it all. I know what I need to do. I just need the willingness to do it. I pray for a better day tomorrow.

 
Ricks 2009 Predictions

1) I see a derailment of a train – passenger one not freight. People will someone blame the government for the accident.

2) West Coast has another mega earthquake this year. This one is felt very far away so it’s not localized to California. What makes this one different is there is warning it will happen before it happens.

3) US Mail service will drop to 3-4 days a week.

4) A mathematical calculation made this year will be the break though to figuring out how to travel across vast parts of the universe in days instead of years. There will be talk about how we plan on sending something in space to a distance part of the galaxy in days but we will not be able to confirm it in our lifetime. People will give up hope of space travel.

5) 3D TV will be rolled out as the next generation TV. Amazingly affordable too. This one innovation will open the Hollywood up and technology up to many different new companies. Laptops and computers will be the first to use this new technology and we will see by 2010 Holidays this in stores.

6) People will be able to send electric impulses to other humans with the aid of something they wear on their wrist. The purpose? To power up small devices and store this energy to share. Something about walking power adds juice to the battery. Clothes will add this feature. Funny part…  people are doing this to be “green” but it proves to be a fad.

7) Nevada will experience a fire unlike it has ever seen before. Vast areas will be lost and tourism to Las Vegas will be hurt badly for about a month as people are afraid to go there.

8.) Canada will seek the protection of the USA when it falls under attack. This request will come from England. America responds but opens its borders to Canadians to expand its trade under an agreement to help. China will respond to this as an act of aggression and force America to pull back aid.

9) Tilapia consumption will increase because it will be discovered that there is a chemical in this fish that cures a mental illness.

10) Gay rights leaders will have to deal with the issue of a new serial killer who is worse than Gacy. What is worse is the fact he is well known already. The public will decry the crimes until a great straight leader defends gay people to the point to changing laws as the only way to stop this in this in the future.

Bonus prediction….

Right under Americans feet will be found a valuable mineral in such vast quantities and the President enacts a law that only individuals and small companies can mine it, not large companies with foreign support, because of this economy. This strangely causes a “gold rush” of sorts not seen this century as hundreds of thousands of people who are unemployed become self-employed. The taxes alone on the sale to other countries recovers the national debt to a manageable level.