Change… ain’t it a bitch. Clean time 3 years 18 days
I ’m Rick and I’m an addict
Two friends. Both with relationship problems. Both have wives deep in addiction. Both guys I love with all my heart and both suffering so badly to accept the things they cannot change. I think relationships are the hardest thing to accept because you are forced to accept that another person is going to do what they will do no matter how much manipulation is done.
I once saw this movie “Saving Private Ryan” and in this movie this solider had another pinned to the ground and a knife slowly being pushed into his chest. As the the knife moved closer and closer in the body the one solider pushing the knife in kept whispering “shhhh” to tell the guy to calm down because he is being killed and there is nothing to do but die. Sad but I imagine that’s what it must feel like. Helpless. Painful. No mercy. No letting up. Surrendering to what is happening. Accepting the death that is in process. Horrible.
The part that seems the hardest is not the leaving of the relationship but rather dealing with the contradictions that the relationship brought. During the relationship certain words were said, certain promises made. These were made in an attempt to show loyalty and devotion. Since guys are so passionate in nature and so protective of their hearts, once words are said and feelings felt, they cannot be unspoken and they cannot be unfelt. They become part of who you are in a way define your character. How can you go against this? This contradiction is nerve racking and paralyzing. In some relationships it will cause a person to stay in a bad partnership because just acknowledging the feelings have changed is too painful. Waiting for the other partner to die with the little secrets and truths and not realizing that they are dying faster inside.
When the pain of what is happening both with the other partner and within themselves is greater than the ability to deal with that pain, things will change. But change to what? Walking away from something and undoing the entire infrastructure of the marriage takes time and with each action is like the knife slowly being pushed closer and closer to the heart. Joy cannot be found. Where is hope? Is life all about losing what we gain and what does all this say about me as a person. How can I go on with not being stable? So many questions yet there is a solution.
Life is change. If we allow our Higher Power to raise us up to more than what we think we are, we will realize that our value is not where we were but where we are going. Each experience, each pain, is the stairs we use to reach our Higher Powers love and care. The road to Joy is not one blissful experience after another, but rather the life experiences, both good and bad that strengthen our soul and our real character and allow us to get closer to our Higher Power so we can lay our burden in front of him and ask for mercy. We get this mercy every single time but it requires something. Either you are going to SAY you believe in a loving and caring Higher Power or you are going to LIVE with a loving and caring Higher Power. This requires a change in how we deal with the OTHER relationship. The one between us and our High Power.
Courage is found when you have something stronger than you standing in front of you clearing your path. Joy is found in walking life’s path without fighting. Peace and Serenity is the gift we are offered. We are NOT what we said in the past to anyone. We are NOT what we did in the past. Living Just for Today… as you are, with faith and willingness to allow a Higher Power to show you what Joy he has in store for you once you surrender to your fears and embrace the next step in your life. Joy.
Rick,
I was meeting with my wife’s counselor yesterday, and behind the counselor was a book shelf. I could read some of the titles, but the one that stood out the most was a book titled “Courage to Change”. I explained to both my wife and her counselor that staying together is by far the easier path to follow.
The first day my wife went into treatment I was so overwhelmed that when I was in a fast-food drive thru after work picking up dinner I began to cry. The thoughts of all of the responsibility of being a single parent of 4 children was crushing.
Thank God for this fellowship. I went to a meeting that night and shared I was then able to better cope with my situation. I must remember to be grateful for being clean, my children, and the love of my family (both NA and my parents and siblings).