Just a few…
G uest Post submitted by James…
So the other day I told my sponsor that I started drinking on occasion. He thinks I am insane… which I might be. He told me that I’m not in the program and that if I come back I should find another sponsor. That he didn’t do me right. I don’t think I can swallow that, I didn’t do myself right. My actions are not related to his words. Now I will say that under the influence I did some things that I’m not proud of, but at the same time they weren’t disastrous to my life… Okay very close especially if I took it a few steps further, but I stepped back. I also did a little sneaking around not to get drunk, but more to vent about some shit that was really pissing me off. One thing lead to another and we ended up getting a little over our heads. Twice this happened but on separate occasions. I tried to explain my actions to one of the people I had harmed but it didn’t go over very well. Then I think at the same time people do crazy shit all the time when they are clean so did this happen because of a few beers? Did my spiritual principles go out the window? Alas now I am sitting here debating on how these few drinks have affected these past few months. I have more confidence; I am willing to stand up for what is clearly right. I know that I have more abilities than am given credit for and am more than ready to fight for it. But at the same time I look at what I lost. I have no sponsor, that one person I thought friendship would last with. He said the relationship wouldn’t change, but it clearly has. It’s obvious to me. I also feel alone, well I felt alone in the program, but now even more so. I have no one to vent to… no one to share my thoughts with. I try to talk to him and more often than not I get this vibe of negativity. So was it all about the program? I knew I harmed him in more than one way but apologies were made or attempted. I don’t really miss the program but I do miss my friend. Maybe it will just take time or maybe it’s over…
mustard seeds. (potty mouth sorry)
G uest post by Madzora…
today has been the hardest day for me to stay sober since i got sober almost 16 months ago. today it took everything in me and everything outside of me to keep me from saying fuck it. today i wanted to run away and never look back. today i almost didnt care. today it almost didnt matter that im looking at ten years of prison if i fuck this up. today was almost the day i lost it. my back hurts worse than it has ever hurt. i have scoliosis and blah blah blah and legit issues ok but last night it felt like i was having fuck back labor. if i didnt know any better id think i was about to pop out the fourth in my litter. i cried walkin thru the hallway and no one has any sympathy for someone whose fucked up as much as i have. for someone whos drug of choice was pain pills, any complaint of pain is just dope seeking behavior…so, i cried and i tried to sleep and i kept waking up and all i knew to do was pray. over this last week the whole mustard seed thing has been brought to me from several different people, in different ways, and its been stuck in my head. so i prayed…. god and i spent alot of prison religion time together but i often forget Him during my daily routine .so id wake up and id just pray. because i had work today and i didnt know how i was gonna make it. so i held onto that damn mustard seed and this morning, i could move a little better. ok so u dont need 8 pages of my complaints…but i had many many things to do today…so i went to see my counselor for a monthly one on one thing and i got there a little early so i went in to the front desk lady, whom i love, and i asked her to pray with me and she held me and prayed and i cried and i left and every fucking step hurt and i just kept thanking god that i could walk. i went to my dumbass one on one thats really not so dumbass but today everything is dumbass, and then im hobblin the 4 or 5 blocks to the transit center cuz i gotta catch the bus to work, in that neighborhood white girls with big asses are a hot commodity so i had 4 guys pull over offerin to give my gimpy ass a ride. mmhmmm a ride. hey guys, just cuz a chick is hobblin down the street she is not a crackhead prostitute. so anyways i call my sponsor and im tellin her that im ready to say fuck it. that one pain pill would make this all go away! and shes tellin me im an idiot and she loves me. and sometimes thats what a girl needs to hear. and i call my stephie d and im tellin her the same things and shes tellin me shell kick my ass, and im tellin her about the guys who are trying to pick me up from the bus stop. and theyre offering me drugs…and i just keep calling people because thats what they tell me to do, and i dont fucking get high. but i still want to. so ive got a couple hours to kill before work and i decide to go to a damn meeting because its somewhere to fucking be and thats what they tell me to do. and i dont get high. and i love that shitty ass place and that stinkin dog and those fuckin weirdos, i really do, because i belong there, and i still feel i belong nowhere…and i still want what they have. so then theres lunch with anthony which was in his own words “the worst part of his day” even though i didnt do anything but not respond to a text message quickly enough because i turn my phone off during the meeting. so my response was “whatever” because i dont have it in me to fight today…and then… then i really really want to get high….so work. my stupid fucking job that im so determined to keep and i dont even really know why im so determined to keep. its so fucking dirty and so fucking strenous and so fucking hard, and yes i love my damn dogs there and yes my boss is pretty cool most of the time but why am i killing myself to keep this fucking job. you cant not not be able to walk and do what i do. you have to bend and i use to go out of my way to not bend… SO why cant i just walk out. why cant i just fucking call in. since when do i give a shit about stuff like this. this is too hard some days. i dont have to keep this job, and yet i cant quit. i need to prove to myself that im a normal girl and i can hold a job and i can get thru it. so i work, and lo and behold theres some doggie pain medicine hanging out that i have stolen a few times from vet clinics…just sitting there. and i cry. and i thank god that i dont have to fucking take it. and i want to so bad, and no one would know and its right there a whole bottle. and i cry some more and i take wolfie outside and i throw the stupid ball and i clean the stupid rooms and i keep walking past the stupid bottle and i am scared to touch it…i put a fucking feeding bowl over it and i thank god again. and im picturing a dumbass mustard seed and im wondering what the fuck does it grow into, and im coming up with inventive ways to clean cages that require less movement… and im wearing a stupid icy hot patch and i just make myself keep moving…and every step is like a fucking mile and i dont want to do it anymore. and i drink some stupid coffee and i take some stupid excedrin and i dont get high. and i get off work 87 hours later, and anthony is driving me home and every bump in the road is like a fucking stab to my sciatic nerve and im crying my eyes out and hes chooses to ignore me. and save your fuck anthony comments cuz had he done to me all that ive done to him, i wouldnt even know his name anymore, but still fuck im crying and i had had plans to go to the movies with my cousin tonight…and they fell thru, and i gotta tell you, that addict brain in me was saying well you could pretend thats where you were going, anthony doesnt know it fell thru, and you got paid yesterday jenn, just go get a few you have to work the next two days, just buy 3, 4, ok 6 and then youll get thru it, and im fucking crying some more and still hes ignoring me and i just want to be held. ok so i just want to be held by a loracet more than anything, and the fact that he can be so cold is fucking with my brain too and the devil is telling me to go for it…so i start texting people. cuz i need to talk but i cant talk cuz im crying. and i talk to my sister brookie whose been babysitting my badass little kids for 2 days, and i dont fucking get high. and i dont pretend to go to the movies and i dont call those numbers that are burned into my brain. i get in the tub and i cry some more. and i turn the water so hot it almost hurts, and now now im on the couch writing about all this dumbass shit because they say talking about shit honestly takes the stupid power out of it and brookie put my stupid icyhot patches on, and i took some more stupid excedrin and im holding on to those dumbass mustard seeds because theyre all i got. and i didnt get high today. but i want to.
Ode to Addiction
G uest post by Junior…
So I sat down and did a little stream of consciousness and this is what I came with… Am i still sick? Well I’ll let you be the judge of that.
Those trips
Those dips
The smoke
The toke
I miss your prick
I miss your nod
Feeling like God
And I miss you …
Years since I’ve been away
No longer shall we be astray
To return to those loving days
When I lived in your murky glaze
The haze shall return
As I’m feeling burned
Because I miss the smell
Of that spoon you churned
That distinct taste
When through my arms you raced
Into my head
As those fears I shed
My life was in its place
Everything was in its right place…
Did you relapse yet? Don’t know if this is appropriate to post here but I figured I would give it a shot. This is from the mind of a recovering addict with a few years under the belt. Just another reason why they tell you to keep coming back!
OPENMINDEDNESS AND WILLINGNESS by Tim
C lean Time 3 years, 7 months , and 5 days.
I have learned so much about recovery yet I have so much more to learn. My grandfather told me that I needed to learn something new everyday. He was so right.
I spent 3 days this week with my sons at my ex-wife’s treatment center for “Family Week”. Being the addict that I am I thought I wouldn’t learn anything from the educational part of the program because I was sure I knew everything about the disease. Well I was wrong. The doctor in charge of the program is an Neurologist and recovering alcoholic with 30 years complete abstinence from all drugs. I knew addiction was a disease, but this was a hard concept for me to grasp in early recovery. It was good to hear the science behind this statement. Something is a disease if it can be genetically past on. He referenced many studies linking addiction to genetics. The genetic deficiency past on form one generation to the next is a variant form of the gene for the dopamine D2 receptor. Hopefully this helps someone understand that we have a disease and not a moral deficiency.
The second day we read a story, maybe it was more of a parable, about an person who is on a bridge with a rope tried around their waist. They asked someone who was on top of the bridge to hold the other end of the rope tightly. Once the rope was being held tightly they jumped off the bridge almost pulling the other person with them. The person holding the rope keeps asking the one who jumped to try to climb up the rope but they refuse. The person holding the rope is struggling to keep them from falling any farther, but they get to the point where they have to make a decision. If they keep holding the rope they will go down with the person who jumped, but if they let go they will feel responsible for the jumpers demise. Either decision they make will have haunt them forever. Eventually they are too tired to hold the rope any longer and decide to let go. The jumper falls into the river below and is taken downstream by the current. Eventually after struggling they make it to the bank of the river and they survive and realize they are strong enough to keep going.
In the story the addict was the jumper and the person holding the rope was a family member. Only by letting go of the rope were both persons able to go on and have a satisfying life.
We must love the suffering addict, but they are responsible for their own recovery. There is nothing we can do to get them to recover. It is a decision they must make for themselves.
The third day we were in a small group with 2 other families. We were all given an assignment to write a letter to our loved one who had still been suffering from active addiction until recently. My boys got to tell their mother the affect that her using had had on them and I got to do the same. It was an emotionally draining experience for us all. I’m hopeful that she will continue to work a program of recovery and that she will be able to be the person her Higher Power intended her to be.
I was reminded that when I am suffering I need to reach out for help. If I don’t ask I will not get what I need. No one can read my mind. This was maybe the most valuble lesson. This reminder came to me from another recovering addict when I was sharing my pain with him. Thanks Rick.
The only constant in life is CHANGE!! by Tim (Clean time: 3 yrs, 6 months, 21 days)
A s of Monday my 20 year marriage ended in divorce. It was of my doing. I hate this F#?CKING disease, but I love the addict. My wife, now ex, couldn’t stop using no matter what the consequences. She now has about 75 days clean and I hope she has finally figured out that the only way to stay clean is to put her recovery before EVERYTHING else. I wanted so bad for her to stop, but she didn’t seem to have the desire. I kept thinking that one day she would be arrested with our baby in the car going to score or that my older kids would come home from school only to find her dead from an overdose. Those things would certainly be more traumatic to our kids than a divorce. The thing I want more than anything is for her to stay clean, but only the addict can make that decision, no one can make it for them. After four times in treatment she certainly understands the disease.
I now have the kids and the house and some extreme financial burdens. I know I must continue to work my program and continue to change. I have made it through her continually using, lying about her using, and stealing our money to buy more and I didn’t use. I have made it through the divorce and by practicing spiritual principles I have no regrets. I am praying to have my resentments toward her removed. I hate lawyers and I have many resentments toward the prick she used.
I am grateful for so many things in my life. Especially for the fellowship of NA and the true friends I have found. My sponsor came to support me at court (not his job, but I was blessed and comforted that he was there), and I have many other recovering addicts that keep checking on me daily.
I continue to grieve my loss of this long term relationship, but I know my Higher Power is ALWAYS there for me. He doesn’t ever shut a door without opening another one. I am still not sure what His plan is for me, but I do know what it isn’t. I will continue to pray for His guidance and I know if I remain open minded more will be revealed.
I love you Rick and am proud to call you a friend. You have touched my life and I hope in turn I have touched yours.
Just for Today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
I am an addict Clean time 12 days
H i, my name is Rick and I am an addict. I hope that by sharing my journey out of addiction that one day someone will drop by my blog and find something that helps them.
This blog is going to be direct and very intimate. I am going to share with you my innermost secrets and thoughts. Maybe my life will find some meaning when shared. We will see.
