Relapse or not? Clean time 3 years, 4 months, 11 days
I ’m Rick and I’m an addict
First, yes I know I am going to piss off a bunch of people and if you think I care well you would be wrong. I had a discussion with someone the other day about relapses and shared my opinion and this person thought I was a bit radical. So here it is and if you don’t agree why not just comment on this point. I PROMISE I will not strike any comment, positive or negative but if there is a delay in posting that’s just my spam filter and you will see it once I approve it.
I do not have a defined perfect definition of a relapse. To me a relapse is where a person makes a single decision to use and then proceeds with multiple decisions to continue. They then use with the intention of getting high or altering their mental space.
CASE STUDY #1 – the case of the drama junkie
Presented to me was this person who relapsed over and over. He has been in the program for about 15 years and never has been able to get more than a few years. The last time he used it was having a sip of booze. Then he felt bad and called someone. Then he drank a few more sips. Then he called someone again. Then he finally drank a lot and used some drugs. Why? Because he has been taught two things… 1) That ANY amount of anything is a relapse even if it is a tiny bit and 2) If he does fail everyone will give him attention and love and support and over flowing hugs. Because he has a low self esteem he knows all he has to do is “press the recovery button” and here comes the love. He is not relapsing. He never got clean in the first place and my guess has not worked a step four correctly in his life. He is still using his drug of choice… people.
CASE STUDY #2 – the case of the pill popping pain person
Presented to me was this suffering addict who has a very bad long term back injury. Sometimes the pain gets so bad that he goes out of his mind. The relentless pain won’t let up at times and literally turns this normal happy person into a scared but frustrated addict. The other day he took a pain pill early because the pain started and it just would not stop. Because he took it crushed to get the the drug in him faster, he was told he relapsed. He knows there is little hope to get this pain to go away yet he also cannot live in total abstinence. He knows the program is clear about taking prescription medicine is okay as it is ordered. Yet he is told that at times he takes a little too much. He never takes more than what he thinks he needs to knock out the pain yet it is more than what the doctor ordered at times. He is in a loop of guilt imposed on him by members in the program yet he cannot shake the fact that he simply cannot live with constant pain just to say that he is clean.
This is not a relapse to me. Again the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is if they CAN help the person. Unless they have personal experience with the problem they need to butt the hell out. There are plenty of addicts who manage to live and stay clean with pain. If they can’t help then they need to help this person find someone in the program who can to the best of their ability.
In this case, going 10 miles over the speed limit is okay if you are rushing to the hospital… no matter what the sign on the road says. It’s not a ticket but you can bet there is some cop who wants to give you one.
CASE STUDY #3 – The “just in case it gets worse” addict
Headaches… we all get them. Fatigue happens to us all. Having 50 Vicodin in your drawer at home in case you need to use 1/2 of one or a full one is crazy thoughts. If you stockpile pills and you have no pain then you are pre-lapsing. You are just waiting for the trigger. Presented to me was this guy who had just such a stash and every now and then when he felt a little pain or a start of a headache he would take one. He protested over and over how he hated the effect and how it always gave him a headache when it was over. He explained that he is like a boy scout and always like to be prepared in case of disaster. My answer… take just one of those pills and you relapsed. His issue was he was never 50 feet away from his disease and he had nothing standing in between him and his impulses. He was right on the edge every moment and he was just looking for the trigger. If he uses… he relapsed.
CASE STUDY #4 – “But it was my cousins wedding”
Presented to me and several other people is the case of a lady who, at her cousins wedding, shared a toast of champagne. It was just a swig and nothing more. Not even more than a gulp. Her sponsor told her she relapsed. The next day she drank more. In a few days she was back out there. Did she relapse? In my book yes because she is still out there. When she first took the sip did she? Hell no. Sponsors words carry so much weight to sponsees that the very statement that she relapsed caused the relapse. It could be she has another addiction.. her sponsors words. She maybe incapable of her own judgements.
When I became a sponsor it was not because I got a PHD in recovery. There was no diploma. I did not get knighted to the “Royal Order of NA”… and neither did anyone else! So here is the deal… ask YOURSELF if you relapsed. Look at your habits. What is your intentions? What did you do after the “first one”? Are you still using? Don’t get one opinion get several and don’t look for people to co-sign on your crap either.
How we as a fellowship and sponsors handle relapse questions could KILL someone.
Birthday sex is not required but appreciated. Clean time 3 years, 4 months and 4 days.
I ’m Rick and I’m an addict.
Today is my birthday and if you dear readers will allow me, I would like to share some observations of recent. No they are not profound and you probably will not get much out of them but at times I like to think that I am very wise or profound and because this is my birthday I am going to justify my bad behavior with that.
1) You know why people look happier in pictures then they were at the time of the real event? Because we are told to smile. Something we have to be TOLD to do. I think that’s weird.
2) There are people who live every moment of their life in pain. Every single second. Something that has gone wrong with they nervous system and they are in constant pain at some part of their body. I know. I was just diagnosed with this. Its called CRPS. I didn’t know really how till I had to do it. The answer in case you want to know is that at some point the lower level pain impulses are tolerated as just there and live with it” stuff and the high end spikes is “stop everything you do and react” stuff. The depression comes in as well as anger when it spikes.
3) Do you know that NA has a chatroom? Yup. It’s the NA chat room
4) Want to instantly be the big man on campus in the rooms? Go to the NA.org website and purchase a black keytag and a 25 year medallion. Now of course be smart. If you are 26 years old, try and get a date a little early.
5) Clean time getting you down? Hate to lie? (yah right) Okay so when did you start using? 12? 13? 15? You can say you were clean for those many years. Well it’s not lying. You can say “I was clean for 13 years, then I relapsed”. It’s not only dramatic… action packed with a back story… but the relapse could be when you were addicted to the epidural your mom had with the delivery.
6) Why does AA call their book the “big book” while NA calls it the “basic text”. Someone has an attitude if you ask me.
7) If the traditions are not negotiable then all the rest is because they didn’t say that. With that being said, if you want to liven up a meeting (in your head…) substitute a few words in the “how it works” and it will keep you laughing in your head the whole meeting. Example:
If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make banana bread, then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the ingredients that made our recovery tolerable.
1) We admitted that we were powerless over bananas, that our lives became unmanageable.
2) We came to believe that a power greater than prunes could restore us to regularity.
3) We made a decision to turn our recipes and our ovens over to the care of Betty Crocker as we understand her.
… and so on…
8.) Why do we sing “happy birthday to you” in front of a cake that is on fire? Doesn’t seem to really bring back the original event symbolically. Would it be more appropriate to push you through a small window tied to a rope while everyone screams on the top of their lungs? I think it would be closer to the mark.
9) This part needs to be changed.. “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using”. I think it should read “not stop” using. Think about it.
10) If you think you are going to get great wisdom out of every one with clean time look at their jobs. Now think again. I have seen people follow advice from a greens-keeper like lemmings off a cliff. Don’t give advice, share your story.
11) Want to stop using? Stop. Turn away. Walk away. Don’t hang out with the people who won’t let you do that or makes you feel bad if you did. Or not. Just don’t come crying to me if you simply will not do anything to stop.
12) Sex is NOT something owed to you. Your birthday does not make it a requirement. Unless of course you work in the porn industry and you don’t have the day off. Then just ignore this.
Have a great Labor Day weekend.
OPENMINDEDNESS AND WILLINGNESS by Tim
C lean Time 3 years, 7 months , and 5 days.
I have learned so much about recovery yet I have so much more to learn. My grandfather told me that I needed to learn something new everyday. He was so right.
I spent 3 days this week with my sons at my ex-wife’s treatment center for “Family Week”. Being the addict that I am I thought I wouldn’t learn anything from the educational part of the program because I was sure I knew everything about the disease. Well I was wrong. The doctor in charge of the program is an Neurologist and recovering alcoholic with 30 years complete abstinence from all drugs. I knew addiction was a disease, but this was a hard concept for me to grasp in early recovery. It was good to hear the science behind this statement. Something is a disease if it can be genetically past on. He referenced many studies linking addiction to genetics. The genetic deficiency past on form one generation to the next is a variant form of the gene for the dopamine D2 receptor. Hopefully this helps someone understand that we have a disease and not a moral deficiency.
The second day we read a story, maybe it was more of a parable, about an person who is on a bridge with a rope tried around their waist. They asked someone who was on top of the bridge to hold the other end of the rope tightly. Once the rope was being held tightly they jumped off the bridge almost pulling the other person with them. The person holding the rope keeps asking the one who jumped to try to climb up the rope but they refuse. The person holding the rope is struggling to keep them from falling any farther, but they get to the point where they have to make a decision. If they keep holding the rope they will go down with the person who jumped, but if they let go they will feel responsible for the jumpers demise. Either decision they make will have haunt them forever. Eventually they are too tired to hold the rope any longer and decide to let go. The jumper falls into the river below and is taken downstream by the current. Eventually after struggling they make it to the bank of the river and they survive and realize they are strong enough to keep going.
In the story the addict was the jumper and the person holding the rope was a family member. Only by letting go of the rope were both persons able to go on and have a satisfying life.
We must love the suffering addict, but they are responsible for their own recovery. There is nothing we can do to get them to recover. It is a decision they must make for themselves.
The third day we were in a small group with 2 other families. We were all given an assignment to write a letter to our loved one who had still been suffering from active addiction until recently. My boys got to tell their mother the affect that her using had had on them and I got to do the same. It was an emotionally draining experience for us all. I’m hopeful that she will continue to work a program of recovery and that she will be able to be the person her Higher Power intended her to be.
I was reminded that when I am suffering I need to reach out for help. If I don’t ask I will not get what I need. No one can read my mind. This was maybe the most valuble lesson. This reminder came to me from another recovering addict when I was sharing my pain with him. Thanks Rick.
The only constant in life is CHANGE!! by Tim (Clean time: 3 yrs, 6 months, 21 days)
A s of Monday my 20 year marriage ended in divorce. It was of my doing. I hate this F#?CKING disease, but I love the addict. My wife, now ex, couldn’t stop using no matter what the consequences. She now has about 75 days clean and I hope she has finally figured out that the only way to stay clean is to put her recovery before EVERYTHING else. I wanted so bad for her to stop, but she didn’t seem to have the desire. I kept thinking that one day she would be arrested with our baby in the car going to score or that my older kids would come home from school only to find her dead from an overdose. Those things would certainly be more traumatic to our kids than a divorce. The thing I want more than anything is for her to stay clean, but only the addict can make that decision, no one can make it for them. After four times in treatment she certainly understands the disease.
I now have the kids and the house and some extreme financial burdens. I know I must continue to work my program and continue to change. I have made it through her continually using, lying about her using, and stealing our money to buy more and I didn’t use. I have made it through the divorce and by practicing spiritual principles I have no regrets. I am praying to have my resentments toward her removed. I hate lawyers and I have many resentments toward the prick she used.
I am grateful for so many things in my life. Especially for the fellowship of NA and the true friends I have found. My sponsor came to support me at court (not his job, but I was blessed and comforted that he was there), and I have many other recovering addicts that keep checking on me daily.
I continue to grieve my loss of this long term relationship, but I know my Higher Power is ALWAYS there for me. He doesn’t ever shut a door without opening another one. I am still not sure what His plan is for me, but I do know what it isn’t. I will continue to pray for His guidance and I know if I remain open minded more will be revealed.
I love you Rick and am proud to call you a friend. You have touched my life and I hope in turn I have touched yours.
Just for Today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
New feature… this is for YOU
I ’m Rick and I’m and addict
Every now and then I will add a post like this for the sole purpose of allowing you guys to post comments, not on MY post, but of what is going on in your day. If you want to be a regular blogger with this site, just email me at rick@reconstructingrick.com and I will see to it you get the back end ability to create your own posts. Hope this catches on. Thanks!
Happy 4th of July. Clean time 3 years, 2 months and 5 days
I ’m Rick and I’m an addict
I hate when I get in these moods. It’s that mood that causes me to lose interest in work, people, places of fun, movies, meetings, and just about anything BUT at the same time I’m not depressed at all.
So what’s driving me crazy? Well I am not that thrilled with the fact that I am not sleeping that well mostly because I eat too much and eat late. Maybe also because I feel once again I am just clicking away the days with out doing anything really exciting.
I need some excitement that is not going to cause me fear. Life goes on and I need to jump on that train.
