today has been the hardest day for me to stay sober since i got sober almost 16 months ago. today it took everything in me and everything outside of me to keep me from saying fuck it. today i wanted to run away and never look back. today i almost didnt care. today it almost didnt matter that im looking at ten years of prison if i fuck this up. today was almost the day i lost it. my back hurts worse than it has ever hurt. i have scoliosis and blah blah blah and legit issues ok but last night it felt like i was having fuck back labor. if i didnt know any better id think i was about to pop out the fourth in my litter. i cried walkin thru the hallway and no one has any sympathy for someone whose fucked up as much as i have. for someone whos drug of choice was pain pills, any complaint of pain is just dope seeking behavior…so, i cried and i tried to sleep and i kept waking up and all i knew to do was pray. over this last week the whole mustard seed thing has been brought to me from several different people, in different ways, and its been stuck in my head. so i prayed…. god and i spent alot of prison religion time together but i often forget Him during my daily routine .so id wake up and id just pray. because i had work today and i didnt know how i was gonna make it. so i held onto that damn mustard seed and this morning, i could move a little better. ok so u dont need 8 pages of my complaints…but i had many many things to do today…so i went to see my counselor for a monthly one on one thing and i got there a little early so i went in to the front desk lady, whom i love, and i asked her to pray with me and she held me and prayed and i cried and i left and every fucking step hurt and i just kept thanking god that i could walk. i went to my dumbass one on one thats really not so dumbass but today everything is dumbass, and then im hobblin the 4 or 5 blocks to the transit center cuz i gotta catch the bus to work, in that neighborhood white girls with big asses are a hot commodity so i had 4 guys pull over offerin to give my gimpy ass a ride. mmhmmm a ride. hey guys, just cuz a chick is hobblin down the street she is not a crackhead prostitute. so anyways i call my sponsor and im tellin her that im ready to say fuck it. that one pain pill would make this all go away! and shes tellin me im an idiot and she loves me. and sometimes thats what a girl needs to hear. and i call my stephie d and im tellin her the same things and shes tellin me shell kick my ass, and im tellin her about the guys who are trying to pick me up from the bus stop. and theyre offering me drugs…and i just keep calling people because thats what they tell me to do, and i dont fucking get high. but i still want to. so ive got a couple hours to kill before work and i decide to go to a damn meeting because its somewhere to fucking be and thats what they tell me to do. and i dont get high. and i love that shitty ass place and that stinkin dog and those fuckin weirdos, i really do, because i belong there, and i still feel i belong nowhere…and i still want what they have. so then theres lunch with anthony which was in his own words “the worst part of his day” even though i didnt do anything but not respond to a text message quickly enough because i turn my phone off during the meeting. so my response was “whatever” because i dont have it in me to fight today…and then… then i really really want to get high….so work. my stupid fucking job that im so determined to keep and i dont even really know why im so determined to keep. its so fucking dirty and so fucking strenous and so fucking hard, and yes i love my damn dogs there and yes my boss is pretty cool most of the time but why am i killing myself to keep this fucking job. you cant not not be able to walk and do what i do. you have to bend and i use to go out of my way to not bend… SO why cant i just walk out. why cant i just fucking call in. since when do i give a shit about stuff like this. this is too hard some days. i dont have to keep this job, and yet i cant quit. i need to prove to myself that im a normal girl and i can hold a job and i can get thru it. so i work, and lo and behold theres some doggie pain medicine hanging out that i have stolen a few times from vet clinics…just sitting there. and i cry. and i thank god that i dont have to fucking take it. and i want to so bad, and no one would know and its right there a whole bottle. and i cry some more and i take wolfie outside and i throw the stupid ball and i clean the stupid rooms and i keep walking past the stupid bottle and i am scared to touch it…i put a fucking feeding bowl over it and i thank god again. and im picturing a dumbass mustard seed and im wondering what the fuck does it grow into, and im coming up with inventive ways to clean cages that require less movement… and im wearing a stupid icy hot patch and i just make myself keep moving…and every step is like a fucking mile and i dont want to do it anymore. and i drink some stupid coffee and i take some stupid excedrin and i dont get high. and i get off work 87 hours later, and anthony is driving me home and every bump in the road is like a fucking stab to my sciatic nerve and im crying my eyes out and hes chooses to ignore me. and save your fuck anthony comments cuz had he done to me all that ive done to him, i wouldnt even know his name anymore, but still fuck im crying and i had had plans to go to the movies with my cousin tonight…and they fell thru, and i gotta tell you, that addict brain in me was saying well you could pretend thats where you were going, anthony doesnt know it fell thru, and you got paid yesterday jenn, just go get a few you have to work the next two days, just buy 3, 4, ok 6 and then youll get thru it, and im fucking crying some more and still hes ignoring me and i just want to be held. ok so i just want to be held by a loracet more than anything, and the fact that he can be so cold is fucking with my brain too and the devil is telling me to go for it…so i start texting people. cuz i need to talk but i cant talk cuz im crying. and i talk to my sister brookie whose been babysitting my badass little kids for 2 days, and i dont fucking get high. and i dont pretend to go to the movies and i dont call those numbers that are burned into my brain. i get in the tub and i cry some more. and i turn the water so hot it almost hurts, and now now im on the couch writing about all this dumbass shit because they say talking about shit honestly takes the stupid power out of it and brookie put my stupid icyhot patches on, and i took some more stupid excedrin and im holding on to those dumbass mustard seeds because theyre all i got. and i didnt get high today. but i want to.

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