So the other day I told my sponsor that I started drinking on occasion.  He thinks I am insane… which I might be.  He told me that I’m not in the program and that if I come back I should find another sponsor.  That he didn’t do me right.  I don’t think I can swallow that, I didn’t do myself right.  My actions are not related to his words.  Now I will say that under the influence I did some things that I’m not proud of, but at the same time they weren’t disastrous to my life… Okay very close especially if I took it a few steps further, but I stepped back.  I also did a little sneaking around not to get drunk, but more to vent about some shit that was really pissing me off.  One thing lead to another and we ended up getting a little over our heads.  Twice this happened but on separate occasions.  I tried to explain my actions to one of the people I had harmed but it didn’t go over very well.  Then I think at the same time people do crazy shit all the time when they are clean so did this happen because of a few beers?  Did my spiritual principles go out the window?  Alas now I am sitting here debating on how these few drinks have affected these past few months.  I have more confidence; I am willing to stand up for what is clearly right.  I know that I have more abilities than am given credit for and am more than ready to fight for it. But at the same time I look at what I lost.  I have no sponsor, that one person I thought friendship would last with.  He said the relationship wouldn’t change, but it clearly has.  It’s obvious to me.  I also feel alone, well I felt alone in the program, but now even more so.  I have no one to vent to… no one to share my thoughts with.  I try to talk to him and more often than not I get this vibe of negativity.   So was it all about the program?  I knew I harmed him in more than one way but apologies were made or attempted.  I don’t really miss the program but I do miss my friend.  Maybe it will just take time or maybe it’s over…

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