I think I can see a smile. Clean time 297 days
2 5 MILLION, 660 THOUSAND, 800 SECONDS. Can you hold your breathe that long? Seems like I have for that is the time I have been clean. Without a single drug. Without a single drink. Trying my best to recover. It just seems that all this time, I have been waiting to exhale. Waiting to feel okay. Death was going to be that exhale but get this… it might happen while I am alive.
So for those of you still holding your breathe like me, I want to share with you some things that have kept me clean. Again, it’s me not you but maybe it will help us both.
I gave up and I continue to give. Sounds simple but this little thought is MUCH more than I thought. Don’t know when it happened but I broke something in my mind to the point that it no longer functions right. I can’t make a good decision on a regular basis if I try. Sure, I can decide to have eggs in the morning verses a line of coke, but then go 5 more decisions ahead and you know what… I might have 1000 eggs! Wow. No way I can do this alone. Stop thinking you can too. If you wanna be stubborn go ahead. You will learn hopefully what I did.
After I gave up I found out that I was more lost than before. That feels pretty hopeless. So I had to find something bigger than me that can make decisions and take control but believing that this exists was hard. It took a lot but I started to believe that this was out there. I saw it in my NA friends hearts, my friends on this blog, and the unconditional love i get all the time. It’s there. I just had to start looking.
I finally found the one common thread amoung all of them… something I will call the spark of love inside. Sure on the outside was kinda rough but I started to see the inner person and in that person the divine light. This Higher Power for me became something much bigger and something I can now lay the blame for my life on…. JOKING!…. something that I can turn to, trust and allow to make those decisions I simply cannot make.
I still have losses. My ex-boss called me a theif and a liar the other day and a few more things. I didn’t steal from him but I did lie a few times. I tried to make amends but to no avail. I’ll let my Higher Power take control of that… NEXT!
One of my biggest and most loved friends, Brad, ran to California and I miss him so much you have no idea. I did not know how much I liked that guy till I could not see him. I started seeing him as a little brother. I tried to get him to stay because I know he would go back to using. I so want him him back just so I can build on my friendship with him and celebrate his life as he stays clean but he’s gone. I’ll just let my Higher Power deal with that. NEXT!
I worry if the work I am doing for my new job will produce results. If they don’t I am sure I will be fired and this guy is one of the best bosses I have ever met. I really like him and don’t want him to be disappointed because he is such a good guy. No results? I can’t control that. I think it’s another job for my Higher Power. Maybe he has other plans for me. NEXT!
Hey, this trusting my Higher Power works because I am not just saying the words, I’m really believing this. I am enjoying this. Hey, I actually cracked a smile over this. Maybe there is hope after all. I’ll just let my Higher Power decide. NEXT!
Whats happening now Clean time 9mths, 12 days
H ey everyone. I am in California. It’s late but I went to a meeting out here and I wanted to share what was different than the ones I go to in Chicago.
The one thing that is consistent between the two is that the message of recovery is strong in both. All due respect to my buddies in Chicago, but this meeting was incredible. First, the key-tags… They were direct and no catchy little words about them. “New to the program or coming back?” Some guys got up and then they asked the name of the person and shouted it to everyone. “30 days?” Same thing. Every key-tag given out was exactly the same. They skipped the year and 2 year tag entirely. Then after they went over it, they said that they do the year key-tags differently because they buy a cake with candles (the amount of candles is the amount of clean years). Then they sung Happy Birthday. It actually was kinda nice.
Then they did the readings (and I actually read one) to the approximate 120 people there. After you read one, they all applaud.
Then they read an entire step out of the basic text (one person does it) and then the chair speaks about the step. After that it is open to discuss the step but if someone is not sharing, the chair actually picks someone to speak. Not too voluntary. I think they pick people with some clean time cause it didn’t look to random.
Then at about 10 minutes before close, a couple guys got up to empty ashtrays (oh yes, they smoked and I was THRILLED) and thru out the coffee cups. After they got done, the secretary then went trusted servant by trusted servant, announcing what they did for the meeting and each had a moment of applause.
Finally the very end, the literature chair (yes they had a lit chair at a meeting) of the meeting called all the newcomers back up and handed them a welcome pack. I LIKED THAT A LOT. They guys seemed to really appreciate it.
The meeting closed with ONE PERSON reading the Just for today and then all of us got in a group hug and said the unity prayer. WOW.
So I have to tell you, I got a lot out of the meeting. It was clear that these guys are doing whever it takes to share the message of hope. I needed that meeting but I took out of it something I never want to forget and I hope all addicts who go to meetings here this….
No-one greeted me. No one hugged me. No one even asked my name. The statement the newcomer is the most important person at any meeting now had a VERY special meaning to me. I was the newcomer. All these people I never met. Some looked like the people back home. Some looked a bit tough. The place was in a LARGE hall which was very intimitating. It was only because I had been to so many meetings that I KNEW everyone in the room was family and safe. I sat next to a guy who had 53 days clean and he was a guy who also helped with the cleanup and guess what? At the end of the meeting he said hi to me and asked me how long I was clean.
My message today is that if you go to a meeting, and you are new to this, don’t fear. Everyone at the meeting no matter where, is going to help even if they don’t reach out. This is home away from home and I was very grateful to hear the incredible sharing that I heard.
For those of us with any clean time… PLEASE reach out to people who are new to meetings. If this was my first meeting, I probably would come back because of the welcome packet but it would have been hard if that was not there for me. Fact is, my addiction is coming back. I actually did somethings I am not too proud of out here so far. I NEEDED this meeting. I didn’t use. I’m still clean but I’m an addict and I don not know how to manage myself very well. I also tend, when I am scared, to go looking for trouble in some of the seedest places on earth. I found the place in LA.
For those guys back home…. guys THANK YOU for texting me reminding me that I am loved and cared for and you missed me. That is more than my own blood did. It’s funny, when you are in NA, your home is only as far as the nearest meeting and the your NA family loves you even when you don’t.
P.S. to Tom… got your meeting directory. You didn’t forget me and I will never forget you buddy.
P.S.S. – I got the account. Thank you Higher Power for trusting me with this new account.
Welcome Brad and some gratitude. Clean time 9mths, 8 days
I ’m Rick and I’m an addict.
First, I would like to welcome Brad to our family of writers. I met Brad at a meeting and have gotten to know this remarkable young man firsthand. He is an addict but more importantly he is one great guy. The thing I like about Brad is that he has a way to melt your heart when you talk about him. He is open and honest. He is aggressive and sincere. He is loved by so many people in NA but he still hasn’t realized how much yet. Early in his recovery he even started doing service work. When I was down recently, he called and used the very same words to me that I gave him when he was down. Even with that being said, he said it in a way that was “new” to me. If it wasn’t for him, I think I might have used on more than one occassion. You ever meet someone and you just know they are going to be a household name one day? We’ll to me, that’s what I see in Brad. It’s not a matter of “if”; it’s a matter of “when”.
I also wanna give a shout out to a few people to thank them for saving my ass recently. Immi… your one. You always comment on my blog and you always know what to say. I have never met you but I know the people who do know you are real fortunate. You have supported other bloggers on this site too. You are self-less in the the face of an addiction that is full of selfishness. You are one of my hero’s.
Tim, buddy, my little voice of reason. You called me after reading my blog and I tried reeeeal hard to give you excuses why I should use and you laughed at me. Your laughing at me was really laughing at my disease but the person inside knew you we’re offering your love and support. What a great dad you must be. When I was at the edge, you knew to call and save me. I didn’t feel like I was worth it. You felt otherwise. You rock brother and I am so lucky to have someone like you in my life.
Todd…. dude another one. Yah, you are strange. Yah, you are bent. Yah, you have also found a place in my heart because again, you listened and you gave me a reason not to use. I didn’t reach out to you, but you did to me. Although we only see each other now rarely, there is never a time at a meeting that I don’t wish you we’re there so we can laugh and bond. Wow I am lucky to have you as a friend.
To my blogging buddies Logan and Frank. Don’t leave. Post again. Frank, were are you dude? Miss your honest posts. Logan… I had someone read your prayer blog and they told me it touched their heart just when they needed it the most. You guys have a big impact on others lives. I appreciate you.
Patrick. Patrick. Patrick. Our friendship grows daily. We are now in BUSINESS together and we have shared some very private things that no-one will ever know but us. You have given me hope and strenght when I doubted everything. In time you will have more impact on people’s lives than I could ever dream of and your courage and laughter in the face of confusion places you solidly into my life. I see so much of me in you.
Finally, although I doubt he will ever read this or even know I said this… to Mike my sponsor. When I first started with you I thought you were not the right sponsor for me (see prior posts) but now I knew my disease just wanted to fight me and ruin the good people in my life. You are the reason why I have made it with your honesty. You save so many lives but will you ever know and be recognized for this? I love you and I am a better person because of you.
In the golden chain of recovery, each of these people, and a few people not mentioned here but you know who you are, are reconstructing Rick. This chain, forged by pain and love, is stronger than anything that can pull me down. I will grasp this chain and hold tight. I want to go up in life and you guys, each playing a link in that chain, gives me balance and hope.
Side note, I am going to Van Nuys California on Sunday for business for a few days. I hope to hit up a meeting there. Wish me luck. If I get this account, then life gets better fast.
I’m in a dangerous place, Clean time 9 mths, 6 days
I ’m Rick and I’m an addict
In all of my recovery I have never been more closer to using than I am right now. I know I am in trouble and I am very close to losing it all. I know I should call my sponsor but he is at work and is usually on voice mail because he is busy this time of the day. Probably should go to a meeting but I don’t want to hear about people whining about their lives (in all fairness it’s not like that all the time). I don’t want to call someone in NA because they actually might help.
I didn’t know this part about recovery and now that I know, I am not too happy about it. See, recovery gives you a clear sense of what is right and what is wrong. Maybe I should rephrase that. Recovery gives you a NEW sense of what is right and wrong. What was right when you are using is now clearly wrong when you are not. You have to learn how to think and live in todays world and no matter how old you are when you started recovery, it is just like learning about how to be an adult when you are a teenager.
I have found that when I feel I am taking advantage of people or I am lying, I get a sick feeling inside me now. I never had that before. I used to be able to con people. If I do that now I can’t even rest in a chair thinking about it. I go to bed with guilt. I wake up wanting to use.
I have spoken to my mother, sister, sponsor, friends and so on and everyone thinks I am making the right decisions. They think I am acting correctly. Yah, maybe but am I telling them what they want to hear to make SURE that they say I am doing things right or am I telling the whole truth? I think I’m a back stabbing jerk who has a problem hurting people he likes EVEN if they hurt him by situations SOMEWHAT out of their control. I am finding I am forgiving more and willing to bend more for others but at the same time I should also be good to them no matter what happens to me.
Do onto others as you would like done to you. Right? I seem to have re-written that line to read in my head…. Do onto others anyway you want, not in regard to their feelings or even ethics or morals, and they should always do you right. No, it’s doesn’t make sense.
I am in the middle or trying to work some very scary business deals. Probability of failure is about 75%. I have turned this whole matter over to my higher power and I know it will be done as it is suppose to be but my self will seems to be getting very confused with what I think is the will of my Higher Power. I know that it cannot be my Higher Powers will when I do things against people whom I like to get what I want. Why should my Higher Power make it work out for me? I don’t seem to be able to stop that stuff no matter how bad I feel about doing it.
See all I know is that if I had a big fat rail in front of me, I would not have any problems in the world. I would not care who I hurt. Funny how drugs gives you all the balls in the world. Being clean doesn’t make you a pussy but it does take away the false sense of greatness and power. I hate it because I know all it will take is just to say yes to something small. Like have a little drink or something. Maybe just pop a pill to chill me out. My clean time will be gone… oh well it’s overrated anyway…. and then I can just have a drink. Then with drinking again, I can just do a few more pills…. it’s not going to stop is it?
At times, I hate recovery. At times. I really don’t like being clean. I think it’s because I haven’t yet found out why I should be loved when I do things that cause people not to love me, and there is no consequences I should suffer no matter what spineless weak ass crap I do. Who the hell loves a vermin? More important is that maybe I am not convinced just yet that life without drugs and booze is better. Times like these don’t really prove that out.
Of course, maybe it’s because I’m an addict. That’s what my sponsor said one time. Who knows.
