Reconstructing Rick

It all kind of started about 4 days ago. An recent ex-employer from the past called and left a message on my mothers phone saying, “I wanted to let you know that some creditors are looking for Rick”. Now one would think that’s a nice thing for someone in the past to do right? Wrong! See it turns out I owe this guy an amends or sorts.

Without going into too much detail, this guy was very close to me and even though he was a boss, I loved him dearly but I also lied to him. He trusted me and I abused that trust. Not once but many times. Not only did this hurt him, but it also hurt the business and his family. I am sure he is dealing with some very ugly things from the period of time when I worked for him.

Now I am not going to say that he is a saint by any means The majority of the horrible things I did was really a decision between the two of us and I was the person who carried out the actions. He reaped the rewards. Our mutual foolishness caused me to get more into drugs and lose my friendship with him and my job (later a partnership of sorts). I lost everything and I mean everything. Everything I had. In the end, I walked away with not only much less than what I met him, but also physically hurt and mentally destroyed. Knowing what happened to him, he probably suffered badly as well but my guess, no way near as bad.

This does not in any way lessen my regrets for my part in what happened. No matter what he has done to me and no matter what I lost because of it, I harmed him. The pain in my soul is almost too much to bear. Now here is the funny part… I never felt this feeling while I was on drugs. This is a new one to me. I am starting to “feel” again and the emotions are both good and bad.

I just wish I had more happier new emotions first but it’s not the way my Higher Power wants to play it. Just when I had a really good day, not only did this call come in, but later that day I got sick for 3 days straight. My current job has suffered and so has my sanity.

I don’t know where I am going with this really. All I know is there is a pattern in my life that is standing out. Just when something good happens, almost immediately, something much worse happens. Before I would use this as a reason to use. Now I use it to pray… and worry non-stop that my past will catch up with me, get me arrested, and in the end I will have lost the only thing I walked away from my relationship with him… my freedom. If knowing in my heart that this is what will make him or his family have a better life, then I will not fight anything. I will not even defend myself or show anyone how my actions were caused by his actions. I will take the heat for both of us because the guilt and shame I carry says that maybe I should pay for all the bad things that happened, even if I did or did not cause all of them.

I have so many regrets in my life and I know when I get to the step where I have to make amends, this will be very hard but I trust my Higher Power will help me and I know that I am ready, not to fight or make excuses for my past, rather to lay down and ask forgiveness.

Yes, I know this blog is about addiction and you really didn’t come here to read a freakin movie review but I just saw Wall-e and I want to comment on it. So if you want the normal depressing shocking crap about my life, there is lots of other posts but if you want to read about my opinion of Wall-e then read on. Oh, I’m gonna ruin the movie for you so if you don’t want to know the end or anything about it… too bad.

First…. HEY DISNEY WRITERS!  Your typical movies are getting a bit predictable. In case you have been under a rock for your entire childhood, Disney movies go something like this…. Ugly guy meets cute girl. He’s a mess and she’s always sweet. He has low self esteem and always tries to get affection. In the end he does and they troll and beauty live happily ever after. I hate that kind of stuff.

So Wall-e is like this garbage compactor in the year 3100 or something like that. All the humans left the earth because they ruined the earth by not being “green”. Before you start puking, it gets worse. Wall-e has somehow gotten a hold of an old movie which he falls in love with the thought process of the characters… happy little humans holding hands. All he has on the earth as a friend is a cockroach. The humans are in space. They sent a probe to see if plants have started growing on earth and sure enough Wall-e found it and the probe found Wall-e in the process.

The probe is a girl robot, all shiney and clean. Her mission is to get the plant to the humans in space and then they will know it’s okay to return to earth. In the process, the two robots fall in love.

Oh, now let’s get to the fun part. The probe named “Eve” does get the plant to the humans. The humans are all extremely overweight and have not stood up in years. For that matter, they are all so disjointed that they don’t even talk to each other except through their communicators.

SO LISTEN UP DISNEY ASSHOLES! First, I don’t need your “green” crap thoughts thrust down my throat. Second, your robots are ugly and not appealing. Third, your fat humans are insulting to all overweight people on earth NOW dipshits, and finally… Fourth, Zippo lighters would not have the fluid in them 3000 years later to light (they show one lighting up several times in the movie).

Does this movie sound like crap? Yes? Congratulations! You just saved yourself the price of a movie ticket and more… your sanity. Wall-e is too heavy for kids and too stupid for adults.

My suggestion if you really want to see a good movie? Go see Hancock. Yes, the name does have the word cock in it which makes guys laugh, and it is a guy movie, but at least it’s good special effects and fun to watch and has a good story line except in the very very end, (for those of you who saw it, what the hell is wth the moon thing… they lose it at the very end didn’t they?)

P.S. Hey Disney… you expect to sell ANY Wall-e products? Who the hell wants a garbage disposal unit as a toy? I say, you’re all fired if I had my wish. Sometimes it’s okay to go to the movies by yourself. That way at least the people you know aren’t punching each other in the head to get those images out of their brains.

I never really thought I would get this far to tell you the truth. 73 days is important to me because the first time I tried to get clean, I lasted 73 days, then I relapsed. So in a way this is a special day for me because today now makes it equal to the longest time I have been clean in my life. If I make it to tomorrow, then that’s a record. Today is just equal.

This number must mean something in my life because this is not the first time 73 days has been important. This was also the number of days, (and I counted back then), I didnt think of anything else but working the streets. It was on this day I decided to see if I could get a real job instead of hustling. I think it’s best to share that story because maybe that is why I lost it the last time and I figure I better get it out of my system and see if that stops the repeating pattern.

For those of you who did not read about me selling my body as a teenager, just pop back to my older posts. Click on the tag, “whore”.

Being on the streets and selling yourself in LA is not a wonderful experience like TV makes it out to be. The real world is much darker than TV can ever portray. Picking up johns and taking them to a run down building or going to their room  or your pad is not pretty. Oh, you act strong, but every moment is terrifying. Not all johns are wimps. Some are peaceful, kind types but some are big violent types. The way I got through the experience, (and I want to point out that almost without exception all my new friend who was working the streets did as well), was to consider it a job. You detach from the fact that it’s a sexual experience and you treat it just like anyone else does… you go to work.

At this point, I was moved out the condemned building I was in when I first got to LA, and into a weekly motel room that I shared with another guy. One of the problems of being on the streets is if you get sick you have no one to take care of you and worse, no one cares. I remember that the day before I started feeling bad and sure enough, I was sick the next day.

Try to imagine being so sick that when your roommate brought a trick back to the room, you had to leave. As I sat ourside on the steps, sick and weak, my first thought was the trouble I was actually in. What if I didn’t get better? What if my sickness came from one of my tricks? Where would I go? What would I do?

When you’re sick you don’t think happy thoughts. You think you need to take some drugs, make yourself better and go out on the streets and make some money. I was too weak to stand and the thought of getting in someone’s car was impossible. That’s when I thought I needed to get a real job or at least try. I thought about going home and taking the abuse all over again just for the security of being at home. I thought of ending my life.

In the end, in a non-dramatic way, I just did a few lines and slept on the stairs for a while. I didn’t stop using. I didn’t go home. I didn’t kill myself. What did happen was I just hardened my heart.

The next day I was still sick but not as bad and I went back out and started “working” again. But before I got in the first car again, it was clear to me that this will end when either a miracle happens in my life or I die. When I hopped in the first car that stopped that day I stopped believing in miracles.