Reconstructing Rick

I’m Rick and I’m an addict.
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It’s so hard to see so many people losing it lately. It seems that everyone I know has their addiction in full swing. Relapses left and right. People in such pain. It’s hard to bear really. What I have grown to see is there is this ugly side to the program. I just don’t get it and I’m not trying to be a jerk about this either. Let me explain…

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First, I dont get all the people trying to pick up on other people in the program. It’s like a shark tank and someone thru in some chum. Someone is screwing someone or on the make. People playing people. Some innocents have no clue. I have even seen a couple guys go after other guy. What’s up with that? I have seen one guy come out who didn’t want to come out only because he was trying to fit in under pressure. That’s just not right. The majority of the people in the program is straight and the program says it doesn’t matter about your sexual identity but that still gives no-one… straight gay or otherwise the right to hit on people in the meetings. Period.
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Then there is the ones who relapse over something stupid. You know what? I go to meetings almost everyday and it’s the very same guys who don’t share, or if they do, don’t share whats really going on, and then show up late and leave early. It’s like having a bad job that somehow you have to do. I like showing up early and when i share, baby jaws are gonna drop! See what I have found is the dirty little secrets inside turn to cancer. That cancer grows and you take drugs to make it not hurt. Screw that. I’m telling on myself.
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I also like the one’s at the meetings who are everyone’s friends EXCEPT newcomers. Kills me. They just seem to forget what it’s like at first. Man that pain was so bad and I felt so alone and ugly. I just wanted to die. Yah, I’m not pretty. Yah, I’m not young. Yah, I’m not a snappy dresser or have a big bulge for people to stare at. My ass is fat. My hair is old and gray. I wear ugly glasses and I think I don’t have a chin. So there is no reason to hug me. Hug the cute ones. Talk to the guys who look like they are on the first string of a baseball team. Guess what people. I’M STILL CLEAN. Why? Because some people didn’t look with their eyes. They looked with their heart. They made miracles happen.
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You want a good 4th of July and you wanna do it clean? You wanna have a fourth of July to remember? Well do this… find a meeting and hug an ugly. Talk to a person who is falling asleep. Laugh with a person who’s head is down… not at the person. Make some fireworks in your life and set them off. I bet this one time, you will stay clean too. …. and turn off those damn cell phones in meetings… who the hell wants to see you text? <this last message was an extra because well I’m a little cranky today.
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I’m Rick and I’m an addict.

I guess all I had to do is look hard enough to see that I have been sick for a long time. The longer I stay clean the more memories of evidence of my addiction comes up. Here is my recent jolts to reality
 

When I was a young I was walking down the street in busy Chicago on my way to school and thought it would be fun to walk a block with my pants off. Yes, it was a busy street. Yes it was light out. No, I was not wearing underwear. Why? Who the hell knows. Guess I wanted the rush of doing something bad so much I was willing to risk everything. No, I wasn’t thinking of that at the time.
 

When I created a yahoo profile I have not used in years I used a picture of vicodin as my avatar.
 

I had a cross on the wall in my room growing up and it has a sliding compartment for holy water and I ditched the holy water and stashed my cocaine in there.
 

A bad date was going out to somewhere with someone and just going home. A good date was getting high, getting my date high or drunk and manipulating everything. I wasted so many good times playing like I ruled the world.

 
I drove through the upper panhandle of Texas – the entire panhandle – naked, wasted and doing 80 MPH.
 

I would keep track of all the drugs I have not used to date, make a list, and try to get a hold of the ones I didn’t use yet.
 

I told this nun at my grammer school that I drew this picture, which I didn’t, just to get the rush of everyone in the class saying that I was an incredible artist, only to be asked to do all the posters for the rooms for Xmas. I couldn’t and had to ask my father to do it which he then beat the crap out of me, and made me pay a very high price later. If you read my blog you would know what the price was.
 

OHHHH I could go on and on… the evidence is all there. I just needed to look for it and the sad part is that at one point I actually questioned if I was an addict. Guess it took me a while for my brain to remember these things so there would be no question as to the answer I need. Recovery.

I’m Rick and I’m an addict

Go figure this. I’m sponsoring other addicts in the program. After being asked countless times I finally said a solid yes to 2 guys and 2 other guys are in the beginning stages of us checking each other out to see if we are a match for the unique relationship.  There are two other guys right now that are using me as their temporary sponsor to get started in the program.

I thought I would share where I am in this because sometimes it’s important to get stuff out of my head. First, I have to share how much great it is to be a sponsor. Being much older than the guys a sponsor helps I think because I can bring some life experiences to the table as well as things that helped me in my recovery. Being a sponsor is a gift and it has a couple rules. One is trust and the another is honesty. The trick here is to not solve the problems of the sponsee myself but rather showing how to solve the problems and let them do it. It also carries with it a great deal of responsibility. This means that you have to be a man or woman of your word. If you say you will be there you will. If you say you will help, you do.

The trust thing cannot go with just a simple statement. I think a good sponsor is someone who is part of the sponsee like an arm or leg. Someone who knows the sponsee intimately to the deepest level and in turn they know you as well. This leap of faith to let someone in that much to your inner life frees you of your secrets that could destroy you. What is said to me and what we share together and experience together is just ours and no-one else’s. This gives my sponsees freedom to really say what’s going on. When I act insane, they know why and when they do, I understand why as well. This is 2 addicts helping each other out with one of those addicts having a little more clean time.

I am a STRONG supporter that any sponsor MUST have a very solid program or recovery and works it every day with no exceptions. Because of this I do H&I (hospitals and institutions), attend meetings every day, sponsor people, help at meetings, greet and get to really know new comers, share at meetings, hang around other recovering addicts and participate in conventions and events and most importantly vigorously work the steps and LIVE by the spiritual principals of NA. My sponsees must know that I know from experience what I speak and live. I take my recovery as the single most important thing in my life, second to none. I also know my sponsees are part of my recovery and therefore they come before everything else.

Of course I have to make sure I step out of the way and allow my Higher Power to work thru me and not me take control. What I have found is that at times sponsees can be draining and their issues very hard. I feel like sometimes I don’t know what to say or how to say it right. I think that’s a good thing in a way but they have to know that sometimes the delivery of the message is not as good as what the message is in fact.

The things that I find hard is two things…. why don’t my sponsees call? What is is that makes them so scared or unwilling to pick up the phone and call me?  Seems that each time I hear someone in the program relapse it’s usually because they knew it was coming and wanted it to happen so they didn’t try and stop it. If I am a part of them and they a part of me, then we help each other grow. This is why it is so hard. My sponsor at times connects with me and at others does not but almost all the time I call him.   I also don’t sponsor people like he sponsored me. I really make my sponsees work the steps as much as they are willing. He just kinda let me do it when I felt like it and I wish that was not the case.

So far, my sponsees are clean and none have relapsed. One is working the program hard and guess what… he is getting the biggest results! He was homeless, relasping, facing going to prison, penniless and his family basically disowned him. Today he has a place to live that’s great, been clean, jail is off the table and has just a few weeks of having to do some work, money in his bank account for the first time and has a job and most of all, his family is back in his life. Think he is gonna make it? I do. Calls me 2-3 times a day and HE is working the program cause now he understands the program.

My other sponsee has called me once. Has a lot of issues that are not being resolved. Has a lot of mental issues that he is lost on and is doing a lot of lying. He is not ready I fear. We will see.

Two other guys are meeting with me this coming week. Both of them are incredibly smart and talented people. Some people can out think themselves right back to a relapse. I have to test their willingness to stay clean and their ability to be honest.

The one tip I can give anyone who is a new sponsor is this (and this was told to me by a fellow NA brother whom I love and cherish with all my heart); don’t say yes to everyone who asks. There are some guys who simply want to say to their family that they have a sponsor but have no intention of being in a relationship with you for recovery. This can hurt YOUR recovery. When someone asks, have a sit down. Go over the expectations and most importantly tell him or her that you will not say yes for a couple weeks so you can see how things are working out between the two of you. After all, being someone’s sponsor is such a personal and intimate thing and not one where you jump into the situation.

I pray that I will be allowed to continue to sponsor guys. I pray my guys call me for once. I pray that they spend time listening and taking the suggestions and most importantly I pray that I have the courage to help them find another sponsor if I am no longer effective in their lives.  I pray that I can help them recover and in turn, help me.